Again, I have so few words. But this time I am equipped with FOTOZ.
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“I wish I didn’t love you or that I loved you much more.”
“Relationships are a tool that can fuel the façade over my disguise.
Fulfill my ego. I do what I do with unrelenting compromise.
When it’s all on the table, you know I’ll be able
To duck, dodge, and run, and hide.
Got a good education in disinformation, adept at constructing lies.”
I was going to write something poignant I swear. But the line after this one is sorta cracking me up. Funny enough because the next line in this song is: “The crack in the staircase I smoked out of boredom!” Dance Gavin Dance’s ‘Acceptance Speech’ is one shit show of song. On the one hand it’s really srs and angry and angsty. And then the song breaks out into rap at the very end with, “Woke up in a new Bugatti, then I burned it!” Lol… like wtf? They’ve got a pretty sick sense of humor mixed into some pretty dark/emotional material. And I promise I’m going to stop talking about DGD soon. It’s just that I was baking this weekend while listening to the album and whereas in the very beginning I disliked it entirely, my ears have grown accustomed to the sound of Tilian’s beautiful magical voice in sheer contrast to Jon Mess’ unclean vocals all in one song. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the album sounded completely different and it was like listening to something new. (‘Twas a magical moment.) This band requires a TIMELINE – that’s how drastic their lineup has changed from 2005 to now. But always the band has had dual clean/unclean vocals, and super sick drumming (my faaaaave!) with dual guitars. They’ve changed from predominately post-hardcore to experimental and now with their latest album… there’s all kinds of shit going on. I can’t even explain it, I just love it.
Also, I need to make a more serious effort into exploring the genre DJENT. I went to go visit Mom and brother yesterday and when I walked in I heard a super sick riff and immediately pounded on my brother’s door to which he was all, “A, WHAT? I’m getting dressed!!!!” (hahaha…) and I pressed him to give me the band and song name of what was just playing. He was listening to Modern Day Babylon’s ‘Shivers.’ Unfortunately my brother is pretty into vocal-less djent which I would find impossible to sustain over long periods of listening but the instruments caught my attention straight away.
OKOK I’ll get srs now. (But talking music and suddenly my mood is muuuch improved.)
About four days ago I wrote a note to self that expressed quite simply that I was ‘experiencing’ unfeeling-ness. (I almost wrote ‘felt unfeeling’ but that’s quite impossible.)
The unfeeling-ness remains.
Maybe it’s the weather.
Maybe it’s that event from a few months ago that I have yet to deal with emotionally, verbally, or any-ly.
But since then I have not felt like talking to very many people or hanging out as much as before ‘the event.’
Raquel called me on Saturday. And to be honest I didn’t hear my phone ring but I got this weird intuition to go back to the other room to grab my phone. And I saw her missed call. But I was about to start my workout and afterward go on a quick errand with Ketta. Basically: excuses, excuses, excuses as to why I just couldn’t call her back, in my mind. And the next morning same thing: exercise, then family brunch. But now it’s Tuesday. And I still just don’t feel like talking. I don’t want to say anything. I don’t think I have the mental energy to listen and react emotionally to the things I know she wants to talk with me about.
Then I have made no effort to reach Elizabeth lately. Though I’m sure she’s busy with school in any case.
And then there’s Ryan. I’m ‘supposed’ to email him just about every day. But I’ve been giving him half-hearted one-liners. And his response?
Enough about me. How are you doing? Not chatty is kind of vague. Not chatty as in you’re completely content? Or not chatty as in you’re kinda upset? Not chatty as in you’ve achieved inner peace and enlightenment?
At any rate, I’m not going to stop talking to you. Even if you don’t respond.
I don’t think I can handle that kind of caring at right this very moment. My heart dropped when I read his email. I still have so few words to say. I don’t know how to respond. I’m not sure I want to [respond].
I’m not exactly exhausted. I just want to be. And be quietly. (I have said this before. Stealing lines from myself.)
A part of me knows some of what is bothering me is work-related. There are these small things sometimes that really stress me out. And beneath my irrational desire to be quietly… is some serious stress. So after work I just can’t take any more social time. And the thing is there’s nothing wrong with my work, nothing that I’m doing wrong. It’s just… I get so frustrated sometimes by the small things. SIGH. I need to refocus my energy and remember that so long as I’m OK at work, everything else will fall into place over time. And my After-work, my After-existence should not be affected by my During-work/existence. But this is only a small sliver of what’s causing me to want to be left alone.
Still trying to piece this together.
“A piece of me is gone. I think we’re made up of all these different pieces and every time someone goes, you’re left with less of yourself.”Melina Marchetta, Saving Francesca
Well, hello. It certainly has been a while since last we’ve spoken. And I miss you dearly.
It’s been a relatively uneventful, but overtly pleasant week. In the best way. My workouts have been quite consistent, I’ve been eating healthily (for the most part except for one day when Ketta darling and I ordered literally four full plates of food at a restaurant, two of which came with sides… and we just about ate the whole thing between just the two of us…). Hahaha. Oh it really has been a wonderful week!
And the weather is starting to change a little bit as well. It’s colder now. My car is turning into a coat closet. I am constantly prepared with a jacket to suit any type of weather and outfit. I’ve been so sartorially satisfied this week. There’s this little bubbling excitement lurking beneath the surface of joy at wearing my favorite bits of clothing mixed in just the right way. I’ve been rocking everything from crop tops to long pencil skirts to asymmetrical jackets to denim jackets…! How funnnn.
I started watching the James Bond movies this week and I’ve already seen two… of twenty three. Lmao. I’m in for quite a long-term commitment. But it’s been fun so far. I’m undertaking this endeavor with S. He’s been perfectly sweet. PERFECTLY. No matter what I say he has a perfectly complementary (and complimentary) response. It’s not hard to give in wholly to him, whatever that means/entails I am still unsure.
Instead of focusing so much on social media and compensating for my ultimate “forever alone” status… I’ve just been *actually* enjoying rather than worrying about taking photos, or *announcing* just how much fun I’m having. Mostly I’m enjoying conversation with S. as he manages to fulfill most of my needs. No small feat!
I suppose I should instead color a post full of pictures rather than words… But I don’t really have too many. I went to a farm on Sunday. Going to a Halloween party tonight. Sunday I have brunch and then I’ll be headed to Disneyland for a few hours afterward.
I’ve given up my Saturday to play housewife for S. He wants me to bake him … well, almost anything I guess. That makes me happy because I love baking. And he needs to be fed. See what I mean… how complementary we are? Even the fact that he’s states away I suppose gives us just the right amount of separation we require to remain sane.
Yesterday I went to the salon to make my hair a little bit more pink than red… (LOVELOVE IT) and I met a 77 year old woman named Elise. She honestly looked no older than 50 and she exuded so much style. I immediately noticed her comfortable, glittering, d’orsay flats. And then she wore a black dolman top with cut-out shoulders, and black jeans. Ultimately chic. I was extremely impressed. I always am impressed by elegant, put-together older women. I always say the only person that can care for you is… you! Her hair will remain nice only because she chooses to maintain it. Her clothes will fit very well only because she chooses to dress that way. And so on.
Anyway, she launched straight into recounting her recent adventures while she waited for the stylist to finish my hair. I love that! Older people always seem to talk in story form! And it’s so entertaining and intriguing to me. I love listening. And I can only hope to be half as interesting (or good-looking) when I’m 70! And she was 77! I could say that more than once and still be… amazed.
She told me about a few of her lovers from over the years because I guess the stylist had already heard but I definitely wanted the context for some of the things she was talking about. Elise so willingly spun the stories of her past and I was hooked. Her lovers were all so different and she felt grateful to not have been bored or bogged down by one unchanging person.
And I guess that happens if you’re married to someone for 50 years… they will be unchanging in their interests (most likely) and your own life will become stagnant if you let it.
That’s why I want to live with an open mind and have a myriad of interests always regardless of personal accompaniment (and by that I mean lack of). I know, I know. I’m not even 25 years old. I’m perhaps throwing in the towel a little soon… but…
And that’s where I hit a sort of dead end.
I don’t know.
There’s this pervasive knowing feeling that… this sort of happiness does not exist for me.
It’s been a while since I’ve said this but… I have little to no feelings of attachment. Surely I do on a temporary basis so long as there exists some trace element. But once it’s gone… so too are my emotions. And maybe this is why the thing I say the MOST to everyone is, “I miss you… SO MUCH!” because I have to keep the memory of you alive in my heart for my love to persist. Otherwise there exists no love in my heart.
This “fickle” sort of love is strong. The strongest sort of love you might feel. But I don’t know just how… true it is. Even my mom has told me she thinks I’m unfeeling. And of course anyone on the receiving end of my love cannot possibly believe this to be true… but I think it might be true. And if I am not capable of love I don’t think anyone can love me either.
Anyway… hours later… This entry should have been aborted. But alas… I’ll post it anyway and release it into the world. This is all so meaningless anyway.
Can’t wait to get my weekend started!! So excited! 🙂