Full Compliance

We’ll teach the orphaned children to act
To act in full compliance

I feel like I’m not completely here right now. There are so many things going on physically right before me and I feel like I’m only merely absorbing them without really fully experiencing them.

That’s how my “date” went last night.

I made it extremely difficult to even meet up with this person. Though truthfully I was sorta busy but not busy to the point where I put off the date for several days. Ugh. Just… ugh. 100% of me knew I didn’t really feel like doing anything with this person. Not even chatting or listening to his life story. Usually I’m so social and so into anything anyone has to tell me. But right now I’m seriously not in any position to listen to anyone.

He played this sort of “convincing” game the entire time. If I said anything, he’d say something along the lines of “I can totally do that” or whatever. He was trying to cater his “self” to my “needs/desires.” I was extremely bored by that. I’m much more captivated by the nuances of a complex person.

Good god someone help me. I have another date on Sunday with a different person. I just want to kick and scream and shout. But I know I’m not being *coerced* into anything. I just can’t stand the idea of not giving someone some of my time when they’ve requested it.

I’m sort of lost in my own thoughts. And I feel extreme confusion. I’m not able to properly see how I’m coming across. I’m only able to experience (and distantly at that) how I’m feeling. Alexithymia.

I feel so… out of tune with myself right now. The sensation is startling.

I didn’t eat dinner last night and I only just barely ate breakfast, about 3 hours later than usual. My mood just went from shitty to balanced. Funny how food just refuels. My mood is much improved.

I’ve got plans every day from tomorrow to Sunday. Except I just realized that I will again be in the general vicinity of J on both Thursday and Saturday. I should perhaps be grateful for plans but I’m not. I’ve never known a physical connection to be so difficult. And perhaps using the term “physical connection” is a tad obscure. When attraction mutually exists why cannot there be a mutual agreement to … be together in a physical capacity? Where does the physical disconnect stem from?

The weather is so strange today. It feels pretty good making lots of jokes at work today. It helps my mood.

I just want to listen to music endlessly until my ears bleed. It’s the only other thing I seem to want lately apart from wanting to be with J.

I am one capricious fucking bitch.


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