DayOctober 25, 2013

All your feelings won’t change the world.

“A piece of me is gone. I think we’re made up of all these different pieces and every time someone goes, you’re left with less of yourself.”
Melina Marchetta, Saving Francesca

Well, hello. It certainly has been a while since last we’ve spoken. And I miss you dearly.

It’s been a relatively uneventful, but overtly pleasant week. In the best way. My workouts have been quite consistent, I’ve been eating healthily (for the most part except for one day when Ketta darling and I ordered literally four full plates of food at a restaurant, two of which came with sides… and we just about ate the whole thing between just the two of us…). Hahaha. Oh it really has been a wonderful week!

And the weather is starting to change a little bit as well. It’s colder now. My car is turning into a coat closet. I am constantly prepared with a jacket to suit any type of weather and outfit. I’ve been so sartorially satisfied this week. There’s this little bubbling excitement lurking beneath the surface of joy at wearing my favorite bits of clothing mixed in just the right way. I’ve been rocking everything from crop tops to long pencil skirts to asymmetrical jackets to denim jackets…! How funnnn.

I started watching the James Bond movies this week and I’ve already seen two… of twenty three. Lmao. I’m in for quite a long-term commitment. But it’s been fun so far. I’m undertaking this endeavor with S. He’s been perfectly sweet. PERFECTLY.  No matter what I say he has a perfectly complementary (and complimentary) response. It’s not hard to give in wholly to him, whatever that means/entails I am still unsure.

Instead of focusing so much on social media and compensating for my ultimate “forever alone” status… I’ve just been *actually* enjoying rather than worrying about taking photos, or *announcing* just how much fun I’m having. Mostly I’m enjoying conversation with S. as he manages to fulfill most of my needs. No small feat!

I suppose I should instead color a post full of pictures rather than words… But I don’t really have too many. I went to a farm on Sunday. Going to a Halloween party tonight. Sunday I have brunch and then I’ll be headed to Disneyland for a few hours afterward.

I’ve given up my Saturday to play housewife for S. He wants me to bake him … well, almost anything I guess. That makes me happy because I love baking. And he needs to be fed. See what I mean… how complementary we are? Even the fact that he’s states away I suppose gives us just the right amount of separation we require to remain sane.

Yesterday I went to the salon to make my hair a little bit more pink than red… (LOVELOVE IT) and I met a 77 year old woman named Elise. She honestly looked no older than 50 and she exuded so much style. I immediately noticed her comfortable, glittering, d’orsay flats. And then she wore a black dolman top with cut-out shoulders, and black jeans. Ultimately chic. I was extremely impressed. I always am impressed by elegant, put-together older women. I always say the only person that can care for you is… you! Her hair will remain nice only because she chooses to maintain it. Her clothes will fit very well only because she chooses to dress that way. And so on.

Anyway, she launched straight into recounting her recent adventures while she waited for the stylist to finish my hair. I love that! Older people always seem to talk in story form! And it’s so entertaining and intriguing to me. I love listening. And I can only hope to be half as interesting (or good-looking) when I’m 70! And she was 77! I could say that more than once and still be… amazed.

She told me about a few of her lovers from over the years because I guess the stylist had already heard but I definitely wanted the context for some of the things she was talking about. Elise so willingly spun the stories of her past and I was hooked. Her lovers were all so different and she felt grateful to not have been bored or bogged down by one unchanging person.

And I guess that happens if you’re married to someone for 50 years… they will be unchanging in their interests (most likely) and your own life will become stagnant if you let it.

That’s why I want to live with an open mind and have a myriad of interests always regardless of personal accompaniment (and by that I mean lack of). I know, I know. I’m not even 25 years old. I’m perhaps throwing in the towel a little soon… but…


And that’s where I hit a sort of dead end.

I don’t know.

There’s this pervasive knowing feeling that… this sort of happiness does not exist for me.

It’s been a while since I’ve said this but… I have little to no feelings of attachment. Surely I do on a temporary basis so long as there exists some trace element. But once it’s gone… so too are my emotions. And maybe this is why the thing I say the MOST to everyone is, “I miss you… SO MUCH!” because I have to keep the memory of you alive in my heart for my love to persist. Otherwise there exists no love in my heart.

This “fickle” sort of love is strong. The strongest sort of love you might feel. But I don’t know just how… true it is. Even my mom has told me she thinks I’m unfeeling. And of course anyone on the receiving end of my love cannot possibly believe this to be true… but I think it might be true. And if I am not capable of love I don’t think anyone can love me either.

Anyway… hours later… This entry should have been aborted. But alas… I’ll post it anyway and release it into the world. This is all so meaningless anyway.

Can’t wait to get my weekend started!! So excited! 🙂