Mutual Deceit

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“Relationships are a tool that can fuel the façade over my disguise.
Fulfill my ego. I do what I do with unrelenting compromise.
When it’s all on the table, you know I’ll be able
To duck, dodge, and run, and hide.
Got a good education in disinformation, adept at constructing lies.”

I was going to write something poignant I swear. But the line after this one is sorta cracking me up. Funny enough because the next line in this song is: “The crack in the staircase I smoked out of boredom!” Dance Gavin Dance’s ‘Acceptance Speech’ is one shit show of song. On the one hand it’s really srs and angry and angsty. And then the song breaks out into rap at the very end with, “Woke up in a new Bugatti,  then I burned it!” Lol… like wtf? They’ve got a pretty sick sense of humor mixed into some pretty dark/emotional material. And I promise I’m going to stop talking about DGD soon. It’s just that I was baking this weekend while listening to the album and whereas in the very beginning I disliked it entirely, my ears have grown accustomed to the sound of Tilian’s beautiful magical voice in sheer contrast to Jon Mess’ unclean vocals all in one song. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the album sounded completely different and it was like listening to something new. (‘Twas a magical moment.) This band requires a TIMELINE – that’s how drastic their lineup has changed from 2005 to now. But always the band has had dual clean/unclean vocals, and super sick drumming (my faaaaave!) with dual guitars. They’ve changed from predominately post-hardcore to experimental and now with their latest album… there’s all kinds of shit going on. I can’t even explain it, I just love it.

Also, I need to make a more serious effort into exploring the genre DJENT. I went to go visit Mom and brother yesterday and when I walked in I heard a super sick riff and immediately pounded on my brother’s door to which he was all, “A, WHAT? I’m getting dressed!!!!” (hahaha…) and I pressed him to give me the band and song name of what was just playing. He was listening to Modern Day Babylon’s ‘Shivers.’ Unfortunately my brother is pretty into vocal-less djent which I would find impossible to sustain over long periods of listening but the instruments caught my attention straight away.

OKOK I’ll get srs now. (But talking music and suddenly my mood is muuuch improved.)

About four days ago I wrote a note to self that expressed quite simply that I was ‘experiencing’ unfeeling-ness. (I almost wrote ‘felt unfeeling’ but that’s quite impossible.)

The unfeeling-ness remains.

Maybe it’s the weather.

Maybe it’s that event from a few months ago that I have yet to deal with emotionally, verbally, or any-ly.

But since then I have not felt like talking to very many people or hanging out as much as before ‘the event.’

Raquel called me on Saturday. And to be honest I didn’t hear my phone ring but I got this weird intuition to go back to the other room to grab my phone. And I saw her missed call. But I was about to start my workout and afterward go on a quick errand with Ketta. Basically: excuses, excuses, excuses as to why I just couldn’t call her back, in my mind. And the next morning same thing: exercise, then family brunch. But now it’s Tuesday. And I still just don’t feel like talking. I don’t want to say anything. I don’t think I  have the mental energy to listen and react emotionally to the things I know she wants to talk with me about.

Then I have made no effort to reach Elizabeth lately. Though I’m sure she’s busy with school in any case.

And then there’s Ryan. I’m ‘supposed’ to email him just about every day. But I’ve been giving him half-hearted one-liners. And his response?

Enough about me. How are you doing? Not chatty is kind of vague. Not chatty as in you’re completely content? Or not chatty as in you’re kinda upset? Not chatty as in you’ve achieved inner peace and enlightenment?

At any rate, I’m not going to stop talking to you. Even if you don’t respond.

I don’t think I can handle that kind of caring at right this very moment. My heart dropped when I read his email. I still have so few words to say. I don’t know how to respond. I’m not sure I want to [respond].

I’m not exactly exhausted. I just want to be. And be quietly. (I have said this before. Stealing lines from myself.)

A part of me knows some of what is bothering me is work-related. There are these small things sometimes that really stress me out. And beneath my irrational desire to be quietly… is some serious stress. So after work I just can’t take any more social time. And the thing is there’s nothing wrong with my work, nothing that I’m doing wrong. It’s just… I get so frustrated sometimes by the small things. SIGH. I need to refocus my energy and remember that so long as I’m OK at work, everything else will fall into place over time. And my After-work, my After-existence should not be affected by my During-work/existence. But this is only a small sliver of what’s causing me to want to be left alone.

Still trying to piece this together.

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