Liquids

What is a poet? An unhappy man who conceals profound anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so fashioned that when sighs and groans pass over them they sound like beautiful music.

As I drink a few small sips of coffee I have come to the sudden realization that the past two-three times I have had coffee in the last month was due to a serious need to be awake. I’ve been doing just fine with warm water and lemon except for once when it did not suffice. Otherwise, I’m no longer as inclined to drink coffee.

Something about pouring in the sugar and milk strikes me as very caloric. And maybe I’m being calorie-phobic here because when I worked as a manager I would frequently get a coffee from Starbucks (a tall or grande skinny something or other – but still!). However, I feel I have to adjust my caloric intake any where possible because I just sit at this desk for 8 hrs of my day. That’s very little movement whereas before I would literally be running from one end of the store to the other. And always standing, or walking around the store. The only time I sat was for my lunch break –  30 minutes. The amount of sitting I do now is … sort of sickening to me.

But coffee is starting to taste a bit poisonous to me now. And my cup is sitting in front of me, half full, and I don’t think I can bear to drink any more. I’ve associated coffee with a luxury I can no longer afford because of my lack of mobility. It’s not a treat, it’s a decadence.

The same can be said for alcohol. Since I no longer feel any strong desire to experience drunkenness I just get this feeling that I am consuming simple carbohydrates devoid of any true nutritional value. Maybe it’s the utilitarian in me that seems to be relinquishing “worldly pleasures.” If it is useless to me, it is banished from my body.

Yep… an hour later my coffee went to waste and I am left with this weird milk aftertaste.

Speaking of milk. I shall endeavor to make cashew milk! With cinnamon and vanilla. MOUTH WATERS.

My shopping cart on Amazon currently has raw organic cashews, goji berries, maca root powder, sprouted rice protein powder, and a nut bag. CHECKOUT.

On a different subject altogether: working on 2014 goals. The concrete kind. Not the vague, broad kind. Not sure if I want to post them publicly though.

Continue Reading

Detach-ment.

A child’s intelligent heart can fathom the depth of many dark places, but can it fathom the delicate moment of its own detachment?

Detachment is probably my new favorite film, or definitely up in the ranks. It’s become very clear to me that all manners of detachment are very near and dear to my heart. I think something can be said of expression sans expression – I just can’t express it.

I’m definitely crying just a little bit right now.

Feeling the catharsis of tears shed from pain not my own is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things in my life right now. I feel extremely blessed and grateful that I am able to generate some form of much-needed release (though I am fully aware it is escapist of me); I am able to FEEL despite detachment from my own problems. There is nothing harder to me right now than dealing with my own problems.

Y’know it’s funny, I spend a lot of time trying to not have to deal… to not really commit. I’m a substitute teacher, there’s no real responsibility to teach. Your responsibility is to maintain order, make sure nobody kills anybody in your classroom, and then they get to their next period.

Every line of this movie meant something to me. But I think it might lose its magic if I expressed just what it all meant. The unexpressed speaks so much louder.

I am money, I change hands like the dollar bill, that has been rubbed by a lamp; Then a genie appeared and cried loudly, with volume; But the tears were all for myself, and that’s where it all went wrong.

I don’t even know what to do next. Anything after watching this film would feel extremely inconsequential and inappropriate. I’m so moved by it that I’m rendered motionless, catapulted into physical paralysis via emotional catharsis. The juxtaposition is… well, I don’t really know.

An apt film for the current state of my slow-beating heart.

Continue Reading

Afflicted.

Still afflicted by the remnants of thoughts from “what purpose did i serve in your life.”

Why do you put your self esteem in the hands of complete strangers?
— Helena Bonham Carter
tumblr_mxkabvs2Yl1rzzi2co1_500

It’s like being in love: giving somebody the power to hurt you and trusting (or hoping) they won’t.

Marina Abramović, Rest Energy

“Maybe you don’t need the whole world to love you, you know? Maybe you just need one person.”

This line always gets me. Kermit said it himself, he’s not good at saying these types of things. He doesn’t like being vulnerable. He is when he has to, but most of the time he’s pretty closed off. This line means so much more when you take it into consideration. I don’t think we’re ever going to hear Kermit say the words “I love you” to Piggy.

Continue Reading

Saying This Once.

I feel like crying. I simultaneously know why and don’t know why.

It hurts to be alone. So you do anything not to be. And the things people make you do, the things people want you to do, you do. You do them so you’re not alone. And the things they make you do hurt just a little bit less than the hurt of being alone. Until finally you feel so used that the things they make you do begin to hurt more than the hurt of being alone.

And so you choose to be alone because it’s maybe the lesser of the two hurts after a while. But when the memory of the things they made you do begins to fade, you start to hate being alone. You start to hate the isolation again. And so you begin looking for ways not to be alone.

I’d do anything for you so I’m not alone. It almost sounds selfish doesn’t it? I’ll fix you if you fix me.

But the only way to cope is to decide not to feel anything at all.

Laid our foundation on a sink hole and then expected it to stay,
Move everything that made me want you in the first place
is what’s driving me away
And that eureka feeling doesn’t last long,
and everything you ever photographed is gone

And there’s no way I could ever stay away,
but you won’t even answer

The very thing that made me want you in the first place
is what’s driving me away
is what’s driving me away
is what’s driving me away

Continue Reading