I’ve finished “what purpose did i serve in your life” by Marie Calloway. I think I want to read it again and write all over the book. I don’t think I want to explore my thoughts regarding the book in proper written form. It’s too “close to home” or too “relatable” for me to discuss so openly.

Now I have about one week to read my Book Club book… shit. I guess I really procrastinated on that one! I think I’ll have to hit the library tomorrow to really “step away” and get some reading done. It’s really the only way I CAN read. At home I have my laptop, my desktop, my iPad, and my Sony VAIO (in the kitchen). There’s always some pressing email, something to google, or some websites to peruse that detract from my reading time.

I watched Mandela yesterday and finished this morning. About to start All is Lost. I’ve now acquired Blue is the Warmest Colour (which I am certainly inclined to watch AGAIN), The Past, Spring Breakers, Nebraska, and Enough Said.

Got some good exercise in this morning as well. I’m on day 2 of a juice cleanse… but feeling pretty energetic. Yesterday I had a massive headache and felt pretty fucking hungry. Today I’m OK. Except the temptations of pizza and cake right in my face gave me momentary sadness like, “I’d rather eat a whole pizza and gain weight than be healthy” but the moment passed. Haha.

New hobbies… soap making and cashew milk making. I’d like 2014 to be a more DIY sort of year. I want to be able to pass the time doing fun activities that don’t really require anyone else.

Though Sebby and I are joining MoviePass so we’ll have an excuse to hit the movie theater at least weekly. I will be very glad for some movie-watching company since I go alone most of the time.

Also sort of began talking just a tiny fraction to Elizabeth again. It’s been three months since I’ve seen her. THREE! Time really just slipped right past me this year in my self-enforced isolation. But then I wonder… did I really self-enforce or was I just not thought of at all? Well, anyway… it’s a thought that crossed my mind but I am not really letting it phase me. I can’t.

Very little makes me feel these days.

I think I’m more into isolated instances of feeling: pleasures of reading a scandalous book, the sadness of watching a character struggle with their past (Short Term 12 – which I saw yesterday), and etc. Just small bursts of emotion not truly tied to my own sense of self. Detached emotions, basically.

Anyway, I know I have a lot to sort through these days but really I just can’t wait for Christmas Eve and the New Year’s Eve party we’re throwing. But besides that I’m really taking it a day at a time. No drawn out thinking of the past, the present, or the future. Just breathing in every moment without analysis. That’s something new for me. But I think it’s the best option right now… even if it is a little ESCAPIST of me. This year really… if I think back to where I was in January and where I am now… it’s like I’ve traveled galaxies even though I’m still technically in the same place.

In January I was a manager at Ulta. By April I was working two jobs. Then by July I left Ulta and went back to my produce position at the office. And I have so much more money, more independence, more… just more. My fitness is perhaps a little in question because it’s hard to exercise at the same intensity with my office hours than with my manager hours. Sad but true. But my overall health is better, too, I think. My happiness is a little bit greater perhaps. I was enslaved, chained down in certain ways in January whereas now I am a FREE BIRD. And it’s okay to be a little lost bird that’s just left its cage, for a while anyway.

I promise not to be so vague in the future. But right now really there’s so much going on with me internally that I think if I externalize it, it will all just evanesce into meaninglessness. And I’m not ready for that. I’m not sure what I mean by that. Well I do. But I rather just stop here. I’m not making much sense, even to myself.

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