Mariana’s Trench

I am hoping I am not over-committing myself to things this year thus far. There isn’t nearly enough time in my day to do all the things I want. And yet my aspirations exceed my time limitations.

Exercising is now just a normal part of my day. That part I’m not too stressed about commitment-wise. However I do show pause when it comes to staying out late because there’s always this, “BUT I HAVE TO WORK OUT” if I haven’t already for the day (at 3am on Tuesdays and Thursdays). Exceptions lead to loss of commitment. So skipping a day always leads to skipping several days. It’s a slippery slope.

My book club meeting with mi amigos is today. I failed to finish the book though. Sadface. From spending so much of my time cooking healthy, working out, trying to see my friends at least every other week (since I’m being social again)… when is there ever time to just sit down and read?! Sometimes I’ll get text messages from my friends that they’re relaxing/doing laid back things at home and I’m either at work or out and about. Being home is very rare for me (when I’m in social-mode).

And today I signed up for an online course on nutrition. Lmao. Because I apparently have SO MUCH TIME. :\ :\ :\ Truth is I don’t.

Book club meeting today, hang with K tomorrow, then Saturday I work and I REALLY want to go to a barre class right after work because it’s been MONTHS since I’ve gone to one. As much as I love dance and ballet I know that entails something far more rigorous time-wise than a mere barre class that I can take any number of times in any given week if I want vs everyday (like a ballet class).

But anyway, I still want to work very hard this year in enriching my mind, my body, and down the line my spirituality. I know it seems weird to add “spirituality” as something to ‘work on’ but for over a year now I’ve felt this affinity towards channeling my great love into something greater than myself (though not necessarily or especially not God). For years I’ve always claimed “the power of self” to be my motivating factor but I know I want to experience something a little less lonely than that this year.

I think — for me — part of growing older includes being able to heed wise words of advice without taking offense. That’s what spirituality would be for me, listening, acknowledging, learning something from someone other than myself. Who says I need to make all the mistakes and learn from them via my “power of self?” I think this is a little bit… “letting go” too: Learning not to be so controlling over every aspect of my life, learning there is something in the works that I cannot foresee. Spirituality and religion to me all come across as especially false and delusional… but I think sometimes, that may be OK? Holding on to hope isn’t so bad right?

When I was younger I went to Nishi Hongwanji – think I sat through some classes. But I was most certainly too young to really understand what it was I was learning or trying to take into myself.

Like all schools of Buddhism, we emphasize that the source of our problems comes from rational causes and not supernatural sources. The solution to our suffering also comes through wholesome and prudent living amidst the web of causes and conditions which is the Universe. Our ultimate goal is thorough awakening to the profound Oneness of all life. Our path is centered on the relaxed but reverent saying or thinking of the name of Amida Buddha, the Enlightened One of Vast Wisdom-Light and Endless Life.

This seems like a doctrine I can follow or accept into my life. But the trick is always in the details with most religions. Little things may not necessarily coincide with my pre-existing life beliefs and so joining any particular religion is a gamble. But I think this will be a good starting off point. (Attending service on Sunday… and there goes my Sunday, too! My free time is depleting by the second.)

Refraining from looking at fashion blogs has seriously helped in not wanting to buy random expensive shit. However, I’m definitely suffering just a tad… I’m craving new things, to incorporate new season trends into my life when really I DO NOT need anything. My wardrobe is so full and mostly complete. There is not a single staple piece of clothing I think I’m missing. Last month I acquired two little black dresses, one a tad more casual and the other more formal, for variety. I am far more into the concept of creating a “complete” wardrobe but at the same time find myself pulled into new and astonishing cuts, materials, colors. But they would mostly be considered repeats, you understand? :\

I’m officially all moved. The perks are insane. My bed will always be made by the time I get home, my shoes put away, dinner will be cooked, groceries will be done for me… It’s sort of strange. Perks aplenty. I’m living like a kept woman. Hahaha… not so bad right? I’m 10 minutes away from work, I can sleep in longer, super close to all my family now, etc. What a fabulous change of pace.

I have not napped very much this week… and after reading multiple studies on naps… I know it benefits me extremely. I really want to focus on ME TIME which includes napping.

napeveryday

Anyway, this post has gotten sufficiently random.

Off work in 30 mins! Nap nap nap… even though I should read read read before book club meeting… ahhh!

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