Building Systems, Not Goals

This is the second week that I have created a weekly schedule of all the things I would like to accomplish on any and every given day. Just thinking about it stresses me out a little bit. From time to time it has felt like the number of things I need to accomplish on any given day is staggering and the hours, limited. Or like I’m micro-managing my time…

Either way, I’m piling a lot onto my plate with the knowledge that I actually want to pile more on. I feel like I’m building a collapsing tower… knowing that I still have a few more levels to tack on…

Currently my schedule rotates:

  • Moralities online course (3x/wk)
  • Soul Beliefs online course (2x/wk)
  • Philosophy online course (2x/wk)
  • Reading for book club
  • Movie nights 2x/wk (Netflix DVD and movie theater)
  • Exercise every day
  • Family/Friend hang outs 2-3x/wk
  • Sunday church
  • Miscellaneous errands
  • Nap a few times a week…

I also really want to start going to barre more regularly… except I can’t find the time. And the thought of financing many more things is enough to kind of spring myself to another consideration: I really should get a 2nd job, part time. Do I even have the time? Or more importantly, do I even have the energy?!

As it stands I wake up at 3:30am. On bad days, at 4am.

And head to bed at roughly 9pm, give or take an hour on certain nights depending on energy level, exact wake up time, and whether or not I have napped, etc. Seriously… you’d think with all that I do that I struggle to find time to sleep but really it’s very important to keeping me sane and functioning at work. No amount of caffeine can wake up a sleep-deprived Bri-brain. Nothing feels worse than not sleeping, except maybe not working out. :\ Missing one of my to-do’s creates this awful feeling of not being accomplished enough (even if I did ‘accomplish’ 4 other things…). Gah! Nothing is ever enough, basically. All or nothing?

This week: I’ve been having a blast celebrating my cousin’s birthday, spending time with friends here and there, especially loving the lectures on my online courses, and magically I got to pick the second book club book (which I have been enjoying!!), and since I have Moviepass have been going to the movies, and etc. etc. etc. It’s just… ahhhh… sometimes it just feels like I have a million things that I want to do and I’m actually trying to do it all.

And on top of it all I’m trying to eat healthily (seriously keeping my weight in check while working a desk job is like rocket science) and struggling with happiness at work, too.

In fact, general happiness is something I’ve been struggling with lately. It’s fallen by the wayside. And I am compensating by filling my time with as many difficult activities as humanely possible to avoid all thought processes pertaining to my emotions.

In times like this there is something very cathartic about taking the stairs all the way to the roof of this office building.

I’m stressing myself out with all these extra activities. And yet failing to address all the things that are really behind the extra activities. Ugh. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Alright I’ve taken about a 20 minute break from the surmounting piles of work… Ugh… *slits wrists*

I think I failed to address the subject matter I intended to write about… given the header of this… I’ll address later…

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