Now if this collage looks mildly familiar it’s because I actually went ahead and purchased the items that were ‘inspiring me’ from a previous collage minus the boyfriend jeans (opted instead for some moto-looking jeans from Emerson Fry instead) and the bag… I don’t need any more bags for now… so I opted for two sweaters from Everlane instead. The sandals were a replacement of my pair just like it but from two years ago. Wore them to death until the strap tore.
Edit: March 1 – Returned the Emerson Fry moto jeans. They ran way too big unfortunately. They are en route back to New York. The search for pants continues. However, in returning them I for the most part only bought three tops in February which is still themed. 🙂 (Not counting sandals since they’re a replacement vs. new purchase.)
I’ve focused a lot of my energy on not thinking lately. Mostly I’ve been up to no good. Lately I’ve been trying very hard to stretch my limits… in a not good way. It almost seems to me that anything that could viably count as a bad idea is the route I’ve been taking. But it requires far too much time and energy to consider this as a matter of discussion for now.
Inspired by short story ‘Try’ by Diane Williams as featured in the November issue of The American Reader. A few key phrases from her short story were used to create my own.
“Is this what you don’t want?”
“Yes,” the woman said.
Pursuing him into the next room the woman saw exactly what she didn’t want. She had begun to curate a life full of these things.
The bed seemed to overwhelm the room. There was little question now what would happen next.
The open bottle of chilled white wine suddenly appeared very inviting. It wouldn’t be enough for even the faintest buzz but could substantiate a mental ruse of one.
Nothing about the room felt concretely real. This was the closest she’d come to exactly what she didn’t want, but it was further intolerable that someone might not prefer her. So she would let tonight happen to prove to herself that she was wanted.
Sometimes there are secrets that everyone must keep.
A recent string of secrets has begun to eat at me, chipping away at my heart, keeping me on just the cuff of annoyance. These secrets have the ability to alter my mood from one moment to the next. It clouds my eyes instantaneously and I get transported to the place where the secrets lie.
“Oh…” I trail off, realizing my thoughts are plain as day. “Sorry, nothing.” But I’m still not fully there.
But we keep on dancing the night away. And I try so very hard to push the thoughts away. But I know. I know they still live. And I know I’m able to make them disappear if only I give in to reason. But I’m not thriving emotionally right now. So my emotions are trying to take over all good reason.
There’s no one I can tell. No one I would want to tell anyway. The subject material is too sensitive to discuss. But I want to, and I need guidance.
I think it’s time to wipe the dust off my real-life Moleskine journal. But instead I want to curl up into a ball and sleep for a while until maybe all this tides over.
A few days out of the week I start craving black hair (an ongoing issue for about a month now I dare say). There’s something so much more simple about plain jet black hair that its allure is easily enticing me. And yet two weeks ago I re-did my red hair as per usual with the addition of some purple sections. Yes, there are now purple&magenta stripes beautifully woven into my hair. Quite the opposite from the black simplicity I am craving. But as my red hair has become wholly part of my ‘look’ I’m not sure that placing an unchangeable color in my hair is the answer to my current style predicament. Besides no other hair color looks better on me than this red…
Thursdays cause me a small bit of stress. It’s the day I simultaneously feel like I have a lot and no money. I suddenly have this influx of income via my paycheck arriving on Friday but then I remember all the bills I have to pay. And then I start getting this awful sinking feeling that really I have no money at all. The happiness gets swiped right from my pockets without it ever seeing the light of day.
Ugh… some days I wonder when I’ll be able to stop paying student loan bills and utility bills and random fucking bills… It’s like I can afford to pay them off in HUGE chunks but then have 0 money to actually survive day to day. WHICH OPTION SHALL ONE TAKE? I guess one does ‘need’ foodfunfriends unfortunately.
So speaking of…
Friday – solo marathon watching House of Cards on Netflix followed by late hang with Sebastian, his trainer, and his trainer’s friends
Saturday – barre, lunch with Ketta, late night with all da boyz of book club (a.k.a. my friends)
Sunday – church service, hang with a boy
Monday – Haven’t decided yet if I want to go in to work (it’s a ‘holiday’ after all but a half day at OT pay plus holiday pay doesn’t sound so bad)… followed by a deep tissue massage in the evening
– – –
Oops, forgot to publish this post yesterday. It’s Friday now. I’m currently on a sugar coma/high… it’s hard to tell which. My coworker brought me flowers which are sitting very pretty on my desk and I feel like I want to have flowers at my desk every day. They add such lively color to my otherwise boring view of my pens and paperclips. I’ve been munching on a dark chocolate candy bar all morning and my appetite is mildly suppressed (I eat lunch roughly just before 11)…
Anyway, I keep procrastinating on pressing Publish…
Off work and to begin my extended weekend! 🙂