“Loud enough to drown out beauty, now listen”

I supplement lack of emotional reactivity with music and movies and anything that will help me feel.

Lately I’ve been listening to the same music and watching a lot of movies but not even in the comforts of my own privacy so I haven’t experienced any emotional release for quite some time.

And I beg you sing life to me again
I promise this won’t happen again
Because it would be so wonderful to see your starry eyes again

Honestly I’m angry. I’m so angry I want to punch something. I want to throw something out the window and watch it shatter into a million pieces. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at him. And him, too. And everyone. Everyone.

I just want this anger to evaporate like it wasn’t ever there. But it’s boiling inside me. And there’s just so much anger that it doesn’t ever fully go away. It always lurks just beneath the surface and I try to hide it, tuck it into the small dark corners no one’s meant to see. But it’s there haunting me like a poltergeist, and I can feel it just on the back of my neck, creeping up again. And it causes me to act out, this anger. I try so hard to control it and keep it at bay. But I’m so angry I think I should cry.

But that doesn’t come naturally to me…

 

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