I supplement lack of emotional reactivity with music and movies and anything that will help me feel.
Lately I’ve been listening to the same music and watching a lot of movies but not even in the comforts of my own privacy so I haven’t experienced any emotional release for quite some time.
And I beg you sing life to me again
I promise this won’t happen again
Because it would be so wonderful to see your starry eyes again
Honestly I’m angry. I’m so angry I want to punch something. I want to throw something out the window and watch it shatter into a million pieces. I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at him. And him, too. And everyone. Everyone.
I just want this anger to evaporate like it wasn’t ever there. But it’s boiling inside me. And there’s just so much anger that it doesn’t ever fully go away. It always lurks just beneath the surface and I try to hide it, tuck it into the small dark corners no one’s meant to see. But it’s there haunting me like a poltergeist, and I can feel it just on the back of my neck, creeping up again. And it causes me to act out, this anger. I try so hard to control it and keep it at bay. But I’m so angry I think I should cry.
But that doesn’t come naturally to me…
It’s only been a few short days since I last wrote, I know. But, the last post was more of a placeholder than an actual post, yannoe? And I’ve been dying to say something, anything. But sometimes I am just devoid of things to say even when there is a lot happening. It’s because I don’t feel very much. Sometimes I just let the wind take me where it may.
I’ll write some words shortly. But first:
“I would be lying if I said I don’t think I’ll ever find someone. As much as I enjoy basking in my own solitude and accepting my disinterest in others, there is indeed a part of me that still has hope. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if I never had hope in the first place. Even though I’ve been consumed by this darkness, this lingering void that casts as my shadow, there must be a hint of light somewhere.
I’d like to believe that I’m a decent person. Although it’s mostly vacant, only good intentions lay in the corners of my heart. And at times it anxiously craves to be filled. Pieces of me have drifted away throughout the course of my life. They’re probably gone for good or hidden in some parts of this world, and it is the very reason of my constant desire to travel and escape. There is something or someone quietly tugging on my soul, pulling me away from here.
I’ve always believed that in order to find someone else, I have to find myself first. Therefore I dedicated each and every remaining part of me to everything that I do and believe in. And I’m quite satisfied thus far. But I’m always yearning for something more, something new. Whoever you are, wherever you are, perhaps I’m longing for someone like you.”
-Brandon Li Oda, tumblr
Spring is just a little over a month away.
It’s supposed to represent new life, new beginnings, flourishing, transformation, and so on…
But I’m not silly enough to believe that such change comes about supernaturally. Any change I’d like to manifest must be self-created, get the ball rolling so to speak. One cannot see the blossoms manifest without first toiling over the planting of seeds. There is no reward without work.
Okay, enough of the analogies and metaphors.
I was stuck at home on bedrest the past two days. I apparently had a muscle spasm in my neck that created numbness up to my scalp and pain in my shoulder/upper back. The doctor gave me some muscle relaxants that mostly knocked me out.
And in those two days boy oh boy was my mind wandering into memories past (is it redundant to describe memories that way?). I began to think about just what it is I wanted, and if I still want it now. It’s nearly impossible to reveal very much because I’m not all that comfortable discussing my wants and desires so candidly. But anyway, this is a more like a footnote to self, something to think about.