DayMarch 11, 2014

Bursting Heart Syndrome

I’m trying to be very careful right now not to want anything over and above what I already have.

But my heart is brimming to the top with happiness and it feels as if I get any more good news it will just burst into a million pieces.

There’s one new and exciting thing happening every day this week.

Yesterday I got a new car. LIKE WUT. Out of nowhere almost. Just sorta happened. I have a gorgeous silver Audi A4  now. Stars in my eyes. Today I have a phone interview for an extracurricular apprenticeship (in my career field). Tomorrow I go with my sales manager to meet his customers in the morning before coming in to the office.

I’m experiencing some genuine fear… so many new things all at once. And this week, as a follow-up to last week… and it’s sorta like I’m on a cloud… that could potentially dissipate any moment and leave me to fall 6,500 feet.

This brimming happiness makes me want to drop LAB. Makes me wish I never got involved with LAB or anything to do with that. It seems silly and childish in the face of happiness, proceeding with LAB. And that rush I got from doing something extremely stupid with LAB… well, this happiness is the perfect emotional surge I needed in its place.

But when the happiness hits cap? What then? Will I then need to go back to LAB to supplement what I know I cannot get from this happiness?

It’s worrisome.

I can’t ever just have happiness without the fear of losing it or fear of needing it too much. I have to remain self-reliant or else anyone/anything can take my happiness away. The happiness goes out of my hands and in the hands of forces outside myself. I can’t have that loss of control over my own emotions.