MonthApril 2014

Sheltering Sky

I’ve deluded myself into thinking that if I manage to figure out Port I will figure it all out. But while I can see exactly what kind of character Port is I just cannot comprehend how he is that way or why or how there’s any room for anyone else in a life like his or what his motivations and needs are!


And I know that even if I figure out some character in a novel it will not solve anything in real life whatsoever.

But there’s something very familiar about Port’s existential musings. I recognized them from the first page.

I cannot for the life of me figure out what powers Port’s existence. I’m almost afraid to find out.

But he and Kit seem to be leading parallel lives. They are singularly similar and yet never meet anywhere in the middle.

No characters have ever scared me the way these do.

I’m almost aiming for a Tunner-like existence at this point. I don’t want to relate to Kit the way I do. Because I know I’m not exactly Kit.

Well anyway. Sheltering Sky. May be joining my list of favorite books soon, depending on how the rest of it plays out. Readreadread. That is my existence as of late.

A blog on real things coming soon.


I think one of the top things that gets me depressed these days is related to my career. The career that I let rule my entire life because it’s the only thing I have worth anything anyway.

I hate that I, unlike my coworkers, went to college. I hate that I, unlike my coworkers, am knee-deep in student loan debt. I hate that I, unlike my coworkers, do not earn a high(er) wage. That I am not married like my coworkers. That I am not in a supporting relationship like my coworkers. That I do not get taken seriously like my coworkers. That I do not own a house like my coworkers.

Just had this hour long conversation with two of my coworkers about the current state of things and I can’t help but to resent them.

I’m already 25 and admittedly I have not lived at home since I was in 11th grade (on and off a few times though depending on my economic situation). But I am one of the very few, possibly only one, in my small group of friends for which this is the case (living independently). I don’t necessarily ask but I’m almost sure that my friends do not pay rent while living at home with their parents.

Though I also have a steadier, most likely higher paying job than they do.

So it balances out perhaps.

It’s all so very depressing.

I just want to be somewhere better than where I am now.

Don’t get me wrong – I fully appreciate and know that I am in a lucky position OVERALL regardless of the state of anyone else. (And the fact that I have to even say this is bullshit. But I can’t come across like some ungrateful bitch.)

I just can’t help but to create this certain expectation of what my life should be like by this point in time. (Hopefully I need not say WHY. It’s not that I think oh I am so deserving… but no, it’s that I have the skillz, the drive, the brain, the ambition, hard-working attitude, etc.)

I started off so well: graduating from college a year early, getting hired a week after graduation, living on my own in a beautiful apartment 3 blocks from the beach, driving a 530i Bimmer.

None of those facts have changed. Those things are still true. They will always be true because the past is unchangeable.

But then things necessarily should improve over time to denote success, at least in my mind/life expectations.

My salary has not changed since some time in 2011 (I got my first raise 6 months into the job). (Then of course I worked elsewhere at a lower salary for a year; life’s a journey.) It’s now 2014. Cost of living has INCREASED but my salary has not. My student loan repayments have also increased but my salary has not. My rent has increased, but my salary has not. My ambition to go out and do fun things has increased, but my salary has not.

I now drive an Audi A4, newer in year certainly, than my Bimmer, and though this is arguable, not as ‘prestigious.’ I won’t lie, I like the status of driving a BMW. I felt powerful, fast, chic. Mostly fast though. Shit I love driving fast. Not for the adrenaline but for the sake of getting there faster, first, the maneuverability, etc.

I’m still in the same position at work. I am limited to this position because I do it so well that the company cannot risk hiring someone else in my stead. Da fuck is that shit. Since when is high performance an indicator of immobility?

The condo I will be moving into was not purchased using my own financial merits.

All of these things just make me want to punch something.

Sometimes at work I get so angry I want to throw my computer monitor outside the window and watch it shatter into a million pieces from 10 stories up. And then slit my wrists and smear my blood all over someone’s face. I can’t stand when I get this angry. But I do. And I do all of the times.

But anger will gain me nothing. NOTHING.

And yet it’s the only thing within my control. I can feel angry because of the situation I find myself in.

Stuck under a massive rock of debt and completely immobile to assuage my own situation.

And when anything is out of my control… I lose it.

I get so completely ANGRY.

Ugh. I feel like I might just start crying at any moment. This topic chokes me up. Talking about this with anyone would immediately make me sound ungrateful, greedy, with the “well you shouldn’t compare yourself to anyone” advice following.

The fuck. I have every right to compare myself to those around me. Because my skills surpass the current position I’m in, and my financial needs are just as important as theirs. So YES the fuck I will compare myself to my coworkers. And I also have EVERY RIGHT to want more money, to want a higher quality of living. I have no one else to care for me but me. So YES I will want the absolute best for myself. And nothing can stop that desire.

Except when the situation is out of my control.

Exasperated sighs turn to a crushing weight breaking my heart.

I hate that it’s not even acceptable to talk about these things with my friends because they aren’t in the same situation as me. And I can’t gauge what it is they want out of life. The only one that really understands is David, but he’s in grad school at UC Berkeley and getting ready to transfer to NYU. He and I have the same level of desire for what we want out of life. We have very high financial aspirations. High financial aspirations that I don’t hear any one of my other friends express. So it’s almost a sensitive subject, talking money with friends.

Ugh. UGHHHHHH. I want to punch a fucking wall.

I just can’t, anymore. Done for now. Accomplished nothing but remind myself of how angry I am EVERYSINGLEFUCKINGDAY. :\

Spring Buys

I need this top in EVERY color:


I have this top in a fancier brocade pattern from last season that really can only be worn for special occasions (and because it’s so memorable, not very often either). But the slate color, the white! Now these are fresh colors, more casual. But the cut remains the same and beautiful.

I don’t do very well with patterns… I feel like because I live in SoCal, accessories like scarves and different jackets to change the ‘feel’ of an outfit doesn’t quite exist here. Yet the black and white seems simple enough to invest in it.

I’ve already purchased the WHITE – with how fresh it looks – but had to exchange the Small for an XS. Hopefully the correct size will be en route to me soon!