Blood-Stained Sheets.

Last week I cut my foot, vomited for about 12 hours straight, and got sick with a cold that is still with me today.

So definitely I have not had any chance to exercise for over a week now. I consider this a major setback to all my goals. But I’m not exactly losing sleep over it since I’m trying to get as much sleep as possible with this cold. I’m just constantly in a state of tired.

Today I experienced extreme agitation and anger. All day, for any little thing. And naturally I feel like my feelings are justified because they are my feelings. No one can take those away from me. And I feel so powerless to change the problems that cause the anger.

The last thing that really threw me over the edge at work before I went home was this:

We were waiting to see if one of our customers received 5 pallets of apples. If they received those five pallets it meant that particular product worked for them quality-wise. We had another handful of pallets on the truck scheduled to come into town tomorrow but had not instructed the truck to go to the customer yet because sending the guy in tomorrow depended largely on if today’s product 1. worked and 2. if the customer would then be long or short on that particular product as well.

The appointment for today’s order was at 11am. So we had to wait for the receivers to inspect the product/break down the pallets/etc. Around 12:45 I called the trucking company to ask how the delivery was going. The person I talk to was away at lunch. So no one was able to give me any information if the order delivered yet.

I expressed out loud I wasn’t yet sure if the product was received. Which reflected poorly on me, but WTF I can’t force any information out of someone on the phone that doesn’t have the answer either. I would have to wait for MY contact to get back from break.

At 1:02 my coworker asks me, “Do you know if the order was received?” This was not HIS order either, mind you. He just blanket wanted to know the answer. An answer I had just minutes before expressed not having. But OF COURSE he cuts me off mid-sentence as I’m saying, “I’m not sure…” before I could add, “X is at lunch. I’ll call to ask again in a second.” Instead he picks up the phone and NATURALLY as it’s 1 OH TWO PM, my contact at the trucking company was BACK from lunch. And he immediately gets the answer that the order was delivered.

What this does is undermine my ability to get information on an order delivery. It undermines my ability to check AGAIN later for more information. It was a big FUCK YOU moment. On both sides. It’s like… I do my job. I do my job very efficiently. But… you know… I CANNOT HELP if someone else is out to lunch and the bitch that answers the phone when my contact is out to lunch is unable to assist me. I don’t have control over that. And then going behind my back making me seem incompetent is exactly not the right way to approach the situation.

I couldn’t help it. I sent a message to my coworker and I explained, “YOU CUT ME OFF WHILE I WAS TALKING.” (Not in caps, pinky promise.) And my coworkers said, “Well it’s your job to keep calling to get the answer.” DA FUCK. It had been approximately two minutes since my contact got back from lunch. Give it a little breathing room. I explained to my coworker it completely undermined me to do something like that especially since we work in an open office style environment where you can see how everyone talks to one another.

I want to punch something so very hard. And can you imagine moments like this several times a week?!?!?! Maybe even more than once in a day!

AND, NO ONE in that fucking office knows more about delivery statuses than me. I’m a source of information for everyone in the office. And my information is reliable and constant. I have the information BEFORE you’re going to ask for it. Because I will not be made to look incompetent by your sorry ass. I am always over-prepared because I have learned that at my job saying, “I DO NOT KNOW” never bodes well. At least for me. In life, people say it’s okay to admit you don’t know something. It’s okay to admit defeat. It’s okay to try again later. But NOT AT MY JOB. An ‘I don’t know’ translates to ‘I’m not doing my job.’ Which is NEVER the fucking case.

My job is always done and done well and efficiently and again, unless something prevents it: very importantly, done BEFORE you ask.

BUT YET. It’s NOT ENOUGH. Some of my coworkers like to make others feel stupid. UGHHHHHH.

And then there are coworkers that ACTUALLY ARE stupid in the office. They get like speshul treatment because they just cannot process information that well so PAT ON THE BACK it’s okay do as best you can. While at the same time it’s literally COSTING THE COMPANY MONEY to sustain that coworker. But that coworker is living off daddy’s money so they don’t actually need a fucking paycheck anyway.

On principle these little things alone make me want to quit my job. Find somewhere else to work where the dynamics aren’t this way. I hate groups, I hate TEAMWORK, I hate an open office environment where the stimulus from other coworkers does more harm than good. If I could just be closed up where I get to do my work diligently without having to interact with anyone at work – that would be what I call IDEAL.

Adding other people to the mixture slows me down. And gives me total bitchface, too.

Like the work trainings.

The person leading the trainings is slow as fuck. They preface everything for 10 minutes. And in those 10 minutes I’m actually TESTING the new program versus listening to hypotheticals and explanations on how it’s SUPPOSED to work. And in those 10 minutes I’ve found innumerable BUGS in your fucking program which if you bothered to actually TEST thoroughly should not be happening AT ALL.

I just have no patience for dumb shit like the trainings.

Don’t get me wrong – I fully understand that all new things come with instructions. But how about you test the instructions before ever-so-slowly trying to read them to me?

I’m so irritated. And angry.

It’s like if I’m so fucking incompetent why am I able to do part of accounting’s job? Finish a project in two weeks dumb coworker started minimum 6 months ago and never bothered to complete? Personally assist our top salesman with his best customer?

It’s like all of these things get piled on my lap and then you ask me if I’m able to get up and run to point B in 5 seconds flat. And it’s like ALL THESE THINGS get piled on my lap because I’m CAPABLE of finishing anything and then you call me STUPID afterward and expect me to GRIN while you’re doing so. —–> This is exactly what going to work feels like for me.

I am so incomprehensibly irritated that it’s like an itch you can’t scratch or a headache that won’t go away. It’s to the point where I want to rip open part of my flesh with my fingernails to steady the feeling of anger; so that I may feel something else which I can justify in physical form.

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