I have lately successfully managed to give myself sufficient distractions so as not to feel the dreaded boredom. It’s helped but it’s not a correction to the underlying problem.
It seems every other day I feel suicidal. There, I said it. Yesterday I was fine. I was OK. The day before I couldn’t handle anything. Today – today, I feel awful again, but keeping my mind busy on many other things keeps the feelings at bay.
So I’ve been consuming movies, books, video lectures, podcasts, at a rate much higher than before. Every minute must be accounted for and that’s keeping me… alive basically. Though the actual act of suicide seems like way too much work.
My daily checklists have been getting completed. It’s really a fantastic feeling. Read, check. Lecture, check. Podcast, check. Music time, check. Exercise, super check!
I’ve lost weight (on the scale) and gained muscle (or lost fat?) in the last week. Pants that seemed hopeless last week fit again. My abs are showing again (dat two-pack, lulz). My hip-flexors feel more defined again, too.
Yesterday I struggled on standard push-ups and moving plank walk. My arms are suddenly weak. I used to pride myself on never having to stop doing push-ups – I could just keep on going. Now… I can’t WAIT to stop. :\ :\ :\ But I’m confident I just need to keep at it. Put in da werq. For starters, because I am so petite I have to weigh so much less. And weighing less will instantly make it easier to hold my body weight.
I’ve been a recluse all week though.
In the end, that will cause a different kind of depression even if my checklists are completed. But for now I’m okay. I want to be able to survive without social interactions. I don’t want to talk or listen. Though I do want company. But I suppose it’s hard to ask for the latter without the former.
It’s a long weekend. Monday off. I really want to get a lot done, on my own. Though my friend asked to hang out with me on both Saturday and Monday. He said he hasn’t seen me in almost a month. Which is true… but it’s been rough times for me.
I’m kind of excited though, it’ll be good to get out of the house. Walking around in the world counts as exercise, too. Plus fresh air and sun. The sun I haven’t seen all week. And! I’ll get to stay up late on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday! Eeeeeee! The small things in life. Staying up late is one of those rarities for me. ♥
Maybe this weekend won’t be so bad. Though it really won’t cure anything. But a little life enjoyment is good anyway.
Edit: Just minutes under the hour after this post I am feeling extremely suicidal again. I don’t understand this constant back and forth depression. I’m on the verge of tears at work and I just want to make something bleed.