I perhaps need to be putting on my workout attire but I momentarily felt an inclination to write.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me happy lately. And what makes me feel complete. I wish I could say I’ve figured it all out and that I’m a new person. But really I’m the same person, I haven’t figured much out at all, but maybe my phrasing is a little bit different. Or maybe I am just all the same and I can now see more shades of which the world is composed.
What has been bothering me is my sleep. Something is wrong from the moment I fall asleep to the moment I wake up and I cannot pinpoint it or explain it. To be at such a loss for words is … disturbing especially when it has to do with my physiological processes. It’s not that the days are blurring together… it’s that every day feels like the one before it. No, that doesn’t quite explain it. It’s like … I close my eyes for a second and I’ve arrived at the next day without any knowledge of time. My internal time clock seems broken. I never feel fully tired or fully rested. I’m lulled in this state of… No, this doesn’t explain it either. Ugh. It’s hard to analyze sleep because I am not completely conscious of what happens during. I’m basing this strange feeling on the moments just before and just after. And like the name implies they last just as long: momentarily. Then I have to wait until the next day to see if this feeling resurfaces and it does…
Anyway. I’ve been thinking about what course of action I need to take to gain happiness. Because this is not it.
Lately I have successfully managed to shut down my “emotional receptors.” This is what I’ve always wanted. But underlying my dgaf attitude is this knowing feeling that something isn’t right. As much as I dgaf my current situation is not ideal.
Can I manage to relinquish my stability without fear in the hopes of attaining something far more dear to me?
(I’m obviously talking about work. The more I am there and the longer I am there… something inside me begins to hurt. Right now I go through the motions perfectly. But my awareness of me being there is diminishing so that I may continue to get my work done without emotionally feeling that my current job makes me sick to my stomach. I would say this technique is akin to taking anti-inflammatory/pain-reliever meds.
This technique I’ve begun to use subconsciously:
These types of pain relievers work by getting in between the nerve cells so they can’t transmit the pain message to one another. The message isn’t able to make it to the brain, and this keeps the person from feeling pain.
The underlying cause of the pain is still there… but it’s just not transmitting. My self-awareness that the pain exists is the only sign of my unhappiness. Turning the tap off on my emotions knowing there is still water inside; I just can’t see it. Yet.)
I don’t have much time to elaborate on a medical analogy to what I’m doing with my emotions these days.
I’m going to bust maybe a quick 3 mile run. I don’t have much more time than that. Then it’ll be time to get dressed for the day, go buy a gift for a baby shower today, attend the baby shower (gah), and then there’s a fight tonight which I’ll be watching with my book club loves.
Busy busy busy.