Deprivation.

I seriously feel like slapping myself right now… I feel incredibly sleepy this morning. There’s this strange feeling that it’s hard to breathe and my eyes feel so very heavy and the only comforting thought is a nice, warm, heavy blanket atop my curled up body on my bed. I seriously wish I could feel the length of time I slept… as in, experienced sleep in real time.

Sleep to me feels like a short duration of dreaming and then suddenly waking up. It’s too quick, it happens in the blink of an eye, and when I wake up hours have gone by but I don’t feel as though I rested for as many hours as I did… and I don’t know if sleeping more would help because I’m not sure I would ‘feel‘ the additional hours anyway.

Coffee mostly acts as an eye speculum for me… and a nauseating feeling sort of washes over me at the thought of forced awakening like that. It’s torturous right? (If you should like to feel that same wave of nausea feel free to google ‘eye speculum.’)

I don’t understand how and why I am always sleepy. The moment I head home I try to throw in an errand or two so I can feel a little accomplishment but lately by 5pm I literally just cannot stay awake a moment longer. I hit the bed and out like a light. And then I’ll exercise and by my bedtime I’m not as sleepy so then I’m fucking around on my phone or trying to catch a few minutes of late night TV (a rarity for me)… and then I wake up late to make up for the missed time and then I get to work and it’s zombie all over again.

Honestly waking up at 4:30am is so not sustainable… but that’s the time I must wake up for work so it’s not like that can change.

The first thing I think about when I wake up is “When can I go back to sleep?” And it’s the thought at the back of my mind all day at work. And it’s what I think about as I’m headed home or to an errand…

Also I’d like to throw in I’m getting old. I injured my wrist (I have no idea how) and it’s been two weeks and it still isn’t healed… it cracks when I turn it side to side and there’s mild discomfort.

It’s affecting my strength and daily fitness goals.

I can’t wait for all the commotion to die down from moving and from cherry season. Everyday it’s like clean clean clean, go look at furniture, discover that I need to go buy another ‘essential’ like dish-washing liquid or yet another hand soap, etc.

Basically: I feel burnt out and tired.

Or I woke up just completely out of it this morning.

Numbers at work are dizzying and a confused mess… COME ON CHERRY SEASON, be over already.

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