The Thirty First of the Month

I think I just spent the last few seconds laughing at this terribly sad and pathetic and all too familiar feeling from my very own Adventures in Depression.

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It’s been tough convincing myself today that I am not depressed, that I am merely sad. That there are solutions to my tangible problems. I’ve had intangible bouts of depression before and those are worse – because they are incurable. But right now in this moment I have a very real problem to point my finger at and for that I feel at least a little bit justified in my random bursts of anger, frustration, coldness, and of course – tears. I’ve gotten so good at controlling the tears that my eyeliner remains intact. Controlling my anger, though, is a task so much more monumental than my entire existence. I’ve never been able to suppress that part of me. I don’t even try anymore. But of course it’s a hindrance, and a cause for even more issues (hurting someone’s feelings, looking like an ambivalent employee, etc.) on top of my already pre-existing ones. Lose/Lose.

Anyway. I’d like to take a moment to stop talking about my depression (the same depression that abandoned me for just long enough to make me believe it was gone but has suddenly come knocking at my door)…

What I would like to talk about is the potential to maximize the efficiency of my day.

An Ideal Morning

  • Wake up feeling rested
  • Drink a lukewarm glass of lemon water
  • Meditate for 15 minutes
  • Calmly get ready for my day
  • Listen to a podcast while getting dressed
  • Prepare a fresh breakfast (nice and warm scrambled eggs for example)
  • Listen to the morning radio on my way to work

And this is what my morning has been like for the past two weeks:

  • I get an early morning work call (and when I say early I’m talking 3AM here) that product is getting rejected. Handle the work call. Fall back asleep.
  • My alarm goes off at 4:15AM and off it goes.
  • I fall back asleep.
  • I wake up at 5:05AM just barely able to open my eyes, craving more sleep, and already feeling that impending sense of dread that I will inevitably be LATE to work.
  • 5:50AM Check the time on my phone – I’m already late to work and I’m just barely mad dashing to put on some shoes, wonder if I have ~anything~ in my fridge I can take to work for lunch, find my keys, open my garage.
  • 6AM LATE. En route to work with angry music blasting from my iPod. Anxiety from traffic.
  • 6:20AM. I’m in the office, trying to chug a cup of coffee to get my engine revving.

This has been consistent for two weeks. I’m going to sleep at 10PM, an hour later than I know I should but that’s how the cookie’s been crumbling.

I’ve attempted these ideal idyllic morning routines before – and the problem lies in both how and when I fall asleep and how and when I wake up. Two variables that I should be able to monitor but cannot entirely control hinder the entire execution (how sleepy I am at night, if/when I get calls waking me up in the morning).

IDEALLY: I would wake up when I wake up. You know, that natural state of things. But alas that is a fairy tale long lost since the start of modern civilization. HELL, I’d even love if I had time to throw in a morning jog, too! Just before the sun has fully risen, before the start of the day’s heat, etc. It’s all just a dream.

It’s been rough times in Bri Land lately. The only thing keeping me sane are the hours in which I can forget everything. Those hours are at a movie theater or at the barre (exercise class).

For the month of August I’ll be participating in a Bar Method challenge: attend 17 classes in 4 weeks starting 8/3-8/31. I’m fully aware that’s 4x a week… I’ll be prima ballerina by the time August is over! (Though I should also note that I think I injured a muscle while running some time last week… but barre is very low impact so it should not affect my ability to exercise. No excuses.)

*sigh* And well yeah… that’s it for now.

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1 Comment

  1. Yes, feelings are such useless things aren’t they? It seems we’re experiencing slightly similar things with our depression right now.

    Either way, Hiiiiii!!!!! <3 I love you! I hope you get some very good sleep soon.

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