August

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I don’t really have much to say. I’ve been content just living life these past few days. Times like these make me want to delete all the social media and experience liberation like I haven’t felt in years.

I’ve been to the movie theater three times in as many days. Guardians of the Galaxy, Get On Up, Boyhood. I think Boyhood is quite possibly a new favorite film of mine. It was nearly 3 hours long but I enjoyed every minute of it.

I finished reading Paul Auster’s Man in the Dark, which I looooooved, in small part because it was a short but very moving read. I’m on about page 20 in Maugham’s Of Human Bondage which I’ve been meaning to read for years… but it may have to wait a few more years anyway because I think I’m going to switch tactics and read I Capture the Castle based on the recommendation of a blog with the same name. I stopped by the library and picked it up so I think I’ll start reading that today or tomorrow.

The Bar Method that’s “closest” to me (it’s still a full 30 minute drive away) is hosting a challenge where you can win a pair of grippy socks if you attend 17 classes in 28 days. That’s about 4x a week +1 more class. I was already attending barre at a different place in the same plaza 3x a week so it’s just upping the game a little bit especially since it’s been about a week and a half since I’ve gone running due to some unknown injury in my shin.

My first class in the challenge was yesterday and I have to say that in comparison to Barre Releve I hated my experience at The Bar Method. They’re completely different experiences. We hardly spent any time at the barre at The Bar Method whereas at Barre Releve you’re mostly at the barre with just a few exercises on the floor. Sigh. So now I feel sad that I will be away from my preferred spot for a month and that my progress may even slow/cease until I go back to Barre Releve.

This is why I stopped going to Bar Method last year, most likely. It just doesn’t hold my attention doing all these weird ass exercises that don’t amount to any kind of barre work… :\ But it was ONE class and maybe it was just that instructor… so back I go today to check it out. Hopefully I won’t be miserable. Admittedly though, my legs were shaking during ONE exercise yesterday but that hardly compares to full on BUCKETS of sweat at Barre Releve. Mumble grumble.

The suicidal thoughts ebb and flow. Some days are better than others. Some days I can visualize my death so clearly and the thought that everything would just be over feels like a welcome reprieve. But then I remember there are so many more books I want to read, movies I want to watch, so much more dance/meditation/places, etc. that is still left in the world and that gives me pause.

But people… I think a few months ago, there was this shift. The one light at the end of the tunnel suddenly dimmed, faded, and went out. And for that my flicker of hope died out. I now hate people, can’t stand them, and I just want to be away from everyone. I mean that’s not 100% true because of course we are social creatures by nature and require some amount of conversation… well anyway, I won’t explain further.

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