DayAugust 11, 2014

Stay or Stray?

Well… I was initially going to write about some health/diet-related changes but I realized I’m okay foregoing that topic.

I have to say that it’s been a while since I have had a friendly hang with the exception of Wednesday, when I jogged with my good friend… and the lack of hangs was putting me in a worse state than before. Mostly because you know, we are social creatures and need some form of interaction. But then there’s the whole deal with me increasingly disliking the company of other people…

So anyway. On Friday night I hung out with two friends at a bar and I just found myself in a pretty bad mood. There were a few moments of awkward pauses in which we realized we currently have very little in common, we’re all doing slightly different things with our lives right now, and of course the disinterest was noticeable in everyone’s eyes. But during one of those awkward tense silences I took it upon myself to re-enliven the conversation by asking questions, “catching up” based on previous information, etc. And then finally someone thought to ask me a question and I was just super negative nancy with short replies.

I’m in that mental stage I cycle through from time to time where nearly everyone is an ‘enemy.’ I don’t know how to explain it exactly. But it feels like no one can be trusted with information, it’s time to close up, talk very little, etc. I think I maybe have only made mention of thisĀ once before on my blog, if at all. It’s not a thought I’ve ever bothered to explain, even to myself.

I left the hang rather abruptly, went home, watched TV alone until as late as I could muster, and then went to sleep. And I was happier.

I keep wondering if having housemates will alleviate the situation of social isolation. I think that will be the case with one of my housemates that won’t be home very often due to the nature of her work. The other housemate is currently looking for work… so will be home ALL OF THE TIME, which I know will irk me if and only if they try to be very social with me. When I’m home I am usually very much in a hurry, on a set time schedule, etc. That’s perhaps unusual since when people are home they are there to lounge/relax/etc. For me, home is… a touch base. Touch and go.

I go home to nap for exactly 30 minutes before I have to be somewhere else. I go home to grab a change of clothes for my exercise class. I go home to grab a snack, then go out. I go home to watch a 1 hour TV show and then I have things to do. And so on.

Basically, I’m hoping my housemates will provide just enough of a presence of people to keep me sane but without adding any more social expression than necessary.

I’m so not really in the mood to be around people these days. My own mood is beyond unstable that I can never quite tell if I will be a kind-hearted soul or a spawn from hell until words start stumbling out of my mouth. It’s definitely a problem.

I keep telling myself that the person I WANT to be is nice, warm, thoughtful, etc. etc. but I just … am not that. I’m a cold-hearted angry person and it’s hard to be anything but that. Even if I don’t want to be such a bitch, it’s inevitable. I can’t help it. I’m always angry, annoyed, or on the edge. I think my only saving grace is that I am aware of these emotions and these personality traits.

I think I have successfully managed to detach myself from most people in my life. The next step I think is to detach my own existence from the internet or anywhere visual. Though of course that’s very hard to do.

For example, I’ve had my Twitter account since early 2007 and for all those years, it has been my source of news, fashion, inspiration, and communication with the world. Though I suppose very few people I know in real life have Twitter so I maintain it. Having a Twitter account doesn’t make me so super well-known. Instagram, though, provides way too much information about me that I’d rather collect for myself, without really letting others see. A visual blog much like this blog here is solely for me, in written form.

I think I just need to find out the underlying cause of this newfound reclusivity. I’m sure I’ll discover it sooner or later. Something about ‘giving up’ strikes my fancy. But giving up what exactly? Hope in humanity? Giving up appearances? Giving up life? Giving up…

I think I’m not so concerned though. I’ve come to realize that living is for me alone. No matter what anyone says. No matter what insults people throw at me. This life is strictly mine and if I try to live for anyone else I will be so very unhappy.

So before, all those times years ago when I felt sad or lonely because I had no one to share experiences with? That emotion is gone. I don’t NEED anyone to share an experience with because the experience is mine and mine alone. Only I need perceive something for it to exist. If I perceive a flower in bloom, then that beauty can exist within myself. I don’t need anyone else to validate that experience for me. I don’t need 1 or 2 other people to confirm the beauty of that same flower. If I believe it or experience it, that is sufficient. I don’t need anyone else to see what I see. My own seeing is enough for me.

Yet there’s this very strange thing on Mondays where everyone asks, “How was your weekend?” I think no one really gives a shit what anyone else did over the weekend, but I do think everyone has some propensity to want to share. Why share if you don’t care? It doesn’t add up. I don’t believe it’s boasting exactly but I also don’t know how to describe it. Do people just want to say their life is wonderful? Or their life is boring? What’s the point in letting others know? It doesn’t make a difference to anyone what your life is like. So live it as you see fit. Without needing to share it.

I’m branching off… my mind is wandering. This is a much larger topic and one I haven’t fully thought about so I best say less than more especially since I don’t quite know what I’m saying.