That’s a made up word. FYI.
I’ve cried more times today than I’d like to admit. At randomly interspersed intervals of my day during inopportune moments in awkward places.
Though I know I’m depressed I keep thinking that I shouldn’t be, that I don’t have to be, that it’s treatable. But knowing any of those things doesn’t take it away.
I remain hopeful, I still find a few things funny, I still distract my mind for a few minutes at a time… but beneath it all, the illness remains–the illness of sadness that should not exist within me but does wholeheartedly.
My mind keeps feeling like everyone is the enemy in which anything I share can and will be used against me in some form or another. I keep resisting the thought. Yet today proved to me that anything anyone knows about me is subject to judgement and I really wish it weren’t this way. I really wish people would stop presupposing what sort of person I am based on limited information. No one piece of information about me defines who I am.
Today, a friend mentioned one time I felt angry… (though this is my most common emotion but I didn’t tell them that) and then went on to try and say that because things of Type A (a person failing to meet my expectation) make me angry I must be a certain sort of person (needy).
And the fact that I got angry on one occasion for this certain thing doesn’t mean much, at least not to me. It just makes me want to hide all my emotions because people want to take one small instance and pretend like it’s all-encompassing.
So it remains that I just don’t want to be around any people at all. It feels like nothing I do will ever be considered the “right” course of action, the “right” decision, the “right” reaction. Yet isn’t it true that I shouldn’t have to explain my ‘self’ to anyone? If I am angry, I am angry. If I don’t hurt anyone in the process then I have every right to be angry. I will feel whatever it is I want to feel whether my reaction is, by anyone else’s logic, unwarranted.
Maybe the solution is to just isolate myself so far from everyone that I just won’t ever feel “unjustifiably” angry, “unjustifiably” happy, etc., at least not in public. I’m working on keeping all my emotions to myself. Because otherwise people think they KNOW me if they KNOW one emotion of mine. That’s completely illogical. No one knows me. I just wish people would stop trying to, or pretend they do, or even think that they do.
I speak with many words, but with so little meaning. Because I don’t want anyone to know anything about me beyond my frivolous thoughts. To know me beyond that gives rise to judgement. Though admittedly as of late I have ADDITIONALLY come under fire for being overly superficial (on the surface). I can’t blame anyone. I honestly wouldn’t want it any other way. For anyone to KNOW me would involve knowing how intrinsically messed up my mind and heart and soul are and that’s intolerable. I rather pretend to be the superficial existence some people think I am than to let them know anything beyond it.
I feel like I’m closing my mind off to other people’s opinions and I should prefer to be open-minded. But also, I think… people need to learn to mind their own damn business. Anything about me is not up for opinion or discussion or dissection. It hurts when people think they have a right to do any of those things.
So I will continue to, as merrily as possible, read and experience and watch and observe and exercise and write and live my own life, regardless of what people keep saying because I am not here to make anyone else happy. As is so very obvious to me, I can’t even keep myself happy. To attempt to please anyone else is a fruitless endeavor that I refuse to try.