MonthAugust 2014

End of a Season

We had a mini cherry ordeal this morning at work but nothing major. We also got our cherry bonus today…! Much needed extra money. Like… WAY MUCH NEEDED. You know how those student loan billz, gas, RENT, new furniture, food, eating out, etc. add up… sigh.

Just got rid of a standalone $1300 student loan bill and submitted a couple hundred dollars to a scary credit card bill.

How fucking scary is it that some of my stress and woes disappear when you give me more money? I hate thinking about financial things and feeling so heavily weighed down by the burden of having to pay for so much shit that is obviously more convenience than necessity… like the good ol’ days of instant coffee now requires a French press or something. *rolls eyes* I do the happy medium of the occasional Keurig k-cup but mostly I’m all for tea bags using water boiled with my electrically powered super fast kettle that sits pretty on my marble countertops. I swear, necessity… I drink tea so many times a day just to keep my lips, tummy, and brain happy.

Another reason my stress is lower is that, sure I had my dining table all set up but, my kitchen counter had no stools for like over a month. And ideally I really honest to goodness wanted a pair of Philippe Starck Louis ghost counter stools that would set me back $900. And after fretting about it… I instead found two in near-perfect condition counter stools that belonged to me in college, inside my Mom’s garage. And sure they’re not ~invisible~ super expensive chairs but I have a place to sit now and it’s no longer another thing I have to worry about. Quality chairs that serve their purpose > My ideal chairs, at least for now. Can you believe that HAVING CHAIRS TO SIT IN was stressing me the fck out? I think cherry season had me wound up REAL fucking tight for the last couple of months.

Today I’m getting a hair cut for the first time in like… 5 months. En serio.

I will have to say that my favorite at home activity right now is steeping my tea and watering my very small indoor&outdoor garden. I have a three stem orchid pot that I’m watching like a hawk (only one stem is still in bloom so I’m babying the other two so they can bloom again in a couple months), two basil plants, lucky bamboo, tons of succulents, and every two weeks buying a small $4 bouquet from Trader Joe’s for my dining table!

Things are coming together in my home and I’m so very happy about it. WOAH WAIT. Did I just use the word ‘happy’ to describe something? Well, hello!

Anyway, off to run errands including getting my hurrrrr styled. (:

Amalgamy

That’s a made up word. FYI.

I’ve cried more times today than I’d like to admit. At randomly interspersed intervals of my day during inopportune moments in awkward places.

Though I know I’m depressed I keep thinking that I shouldn’t be, that I don’t have to be, that it’s treatable. But knowing any of those things doesn’t take it away.

I remain hopeful, I still find a few things funny, I still distract my mind for a few minutes at a time… but beneath it all, the illness remains–the illness of sadness that should not exist within me but does wholeheartedly.

My mind keeps feeling like everyone is the enemy in which anything I share can and will be used against me in some form or another. I keep resisting the thought. Yet today proved to me that anything anyone knows about me is subject to judgement and I really wish it weren’t this way. I really wish people would stop presupposing what sort of person I am based on limited information. No one piece of information about me defines who I am.

Today, a friend mentioned one time I felt angry… (though this is my most common emotion but I didn’t tell them that) and then went on to try and say that because things of Type A (a person failing to meet my expectation) make me angry I must be a certain sort of person (needy).

And the fact that I got angry on one occasion for this certain thing doesn’t mean much, at least not to me. It just makes me want to hide all my emotions because people want to take one small instance and pretend like it’s all-encompassing.

So it remains that I just don’t want to be around any people at all. It feels like nothing I do will ever be considered the “right” course of action, the “right” decision, the “right” reaction. Yet isn’t it true that I shouldn’t have to explain my ‘self’ to anyone? If I am angry, I am angry. If I don’t hurt anyone in the process then I have every right to be angry. I will feel whatever it is I want to feel whether my reaction is, by anyone else’s logic, unwarranted.

Maybe the solution is to just isolate myself so far from everyone that I just won’t ever feel “unjustifiably” angry, “unjustifiably” happy, etc., at least not in public. I’m working on keeping all my emotions to myself. Because otherwise people think they KNOW me if they KNOW one emotion of mine. That’s completely illogical. No one knows me. I just wish people would stop trying to, or pretend they do, or even think that they do.

I speak with many words, but with so little meaning. Because I don’t want anyone to know anything about me beyond my frivolous thoughts. To know me beyond that gives rise to judgement. Though admittedly as of late I have ADDITIONALLY come under fire for being overly superficial (on the surface). I can’t blame anyone. I honestly wouldn’t want it any other way. For anyone to KNOW me would involve knowing how intrinsically messed up my mind and heart and soul are and that’s intolerable. I rather pretend to be the superficial existence some people think I am than to let them know anything beyond it.

I feel like I’m closing my mind off to other people’s opinions and I should prefer to be open-minded. But also, I think… people need to learn to mind their own damn business. Anything about me is not up for opinion or discussion or dissection. It hurts when people think they have a right to do any of those things.

So I will continue to, as merrily as possible, read and experience and watch and observe and exercise and write and live my own life, regardless of what people keep saying because I am not here to make anyone else happy. As is so very obvious to me, I can’t even keep myself happy. To attempt to please anyone else is a fruitless endeavor that I refuse to try.

Stay or Stray?

Well… I was initially going to write about some health/diet-related changes but I realized I’m okay foregoing that topic.

I have to say that it’s been a while since I have had a friendly hang with the exception of Wednesday, when I jogged with my good friend… and the lack of hangs was putting me in a worse state than before. Mostly because you know, we are social creatures and need some form of interaction. But then there’s the whole deal with me increasingly disliking the company of other people…

So anyway. On Friday night I hung out with two friends at a bar and I just found myself in a pretty bad mood. There were a few moments of awkward pauses in which we realized we currently have very little in common, we’re all doing slightly different things with our lives right now, and of course the disinterest was noticeable in everyone’s eyes. But during one of those awkward tense silences I took it upon myself to re-enliven the conversation by asking questions, “catching up” based on previous information, etc. And then finally someone thought to ask me a question and I was just super negative nancy with short replies.

I’m in that mental stage I cycle through from time to time where nearly everyone is an ‘enemy.’ I don’t know how to explain it exactly. But it feels like no one can be trusted with information, it’s time to close up, talk very little, etc. I think I maybe have only made mention of this once before on my blog, if at all. It’s not a thought I’ve ever bothered to explain, even to myself.

I left the hang rather abruptly, went home, watched TV alone until as late as I could muster, and then went to sleep. And I was happier.

I keep wondering if having housemates will alleviate the situation of social isolation. I think that will be the case with one of my housemates that won’t be home very often due to the nature of her work. The other housemate is currently looking for work… so will be home ALL OF THE TIME, which I know will irk me if and only if they try to be very social with me. When I’m home I am usually very much in a hurry, on a set time schedule, etc. That’s perhaps unusual since when people are home they are there to lounge/relax/etc. For me, home is… a touch base. Touch and go.

I go home to nap for exactly 30 minutes before I have to be somewhere else. I go home to grab a change of clothes for my exercise class. I go home to grab a snack, then go out. I go home to watch a 1 hour TV show and then I have things to do. And so on.

Basically, I’m hoping my housemates will provide just enough of a presence of people to keep me sane but without adding any more social expression than necessary.

I’m so not really in the mood to be around people these days. My own mood is beyond unstable that I can never quite tell if I will be a kind-hearted soul or a spawn from hell until words start stumbling out of my mouth. It’s definitely a problem.

I keep telling myself that the person I WANT to be is nice, warm, thoughtful, etc. etc. but I just … am not that. I’m a cold-hearted angry person and it’s hard to be anything but that. Even if I don’t want to be such a bitch, it’s inevitable. I can’t help it. I’m always angry, annoyed, or on the edge. I think my only saving grace is that I am aware of these emotions and these personality traits.

I think I have successfully managed to detach myself from most people in my life. The next step I think is to detach my own existence from the internet or anywhere visual. Though of course that’s very hard to do.

For example, I’ve had my Twitter account since early 2007 and for all those years, it has been my source of news, fashion, inspiration, and communication with the world. Though I suppose very few people I know in real life have Twitter so I maintain it. Having a Twitter account doesn’t make me so super well-known. Instagram, though, provides way too much information about me that I’d rather collect for myself, without really letting others see. A visual blog much like this blog here is solely for me, in written form.

I think I just need to find out the underlying cause of this newfound reclusivity. I’m sure I’ll discover it sooner or later. Something about ‘giving up’ strikes my fancy. But giving up what exactly? Hope in humanity? Giving up appearances? Giving up life? Giving up…

I think I’m not so concerned though. I’ve come to realize that living is for me alone. No matter what anyone says. No matter what insults people throw at me. This life is strictly mine and if I try to live for anyone else I will be so very unhappy.

So before, all those times years ago when I felt sad or lonely because I had no one to share experiences with? That emotion is gone. I don’t NEED anyone to share an experience with because the experience is mine and mine alone. Only I need perceive something for it to exist. If I perceive a flower in bloom, then that beauty can exist within myself. I don’t need anyone else to validate that experience for me. I don’t need 1 or 2 other people to confirm the beauty of that same flower. If I believe it or experience it, that is sufficient. I don’t need anyone else to see what I see. My own seeing is enough for me.

Yet there’s this very strange thing on Mondays where everyone asks, “How was your weekend?” I think no one really gives a shit what anyone else did over the weekend, but I do think everyone has some propensity to want to share. Why share if you don’t care? It doesn’t add up. I don’t believe it’s boasting exactly but I also don’t know how to describe it. Do people just want to say their life is wonderful? Or their life is boring? What’s the point in letting others know? It doesn’t make a difference to anyone what your life is like. So live it as you see fit. Without needing to share it.

I’m branching off… my mind is wandering. This is a much larger topic and one I haven’t fully thought about so I best say less than more especially since I don’t quite know what I’m saying.

August

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I don’t really have much to say. I’ve been content just living life these past few days. Times like these make me want to delete all the social media and experience liberation like I haven’t felt in years.

I’ve been to the movie theater three times in as many days. Guardians of the Galaxy, Get On Up, Boyhood. I think Boyhood is quite possibly a new favorite film of mine. It was nearly 3 hours long but I enjoyed every minute of it.

I finished reading Paul Auster’s Man in the Dark, which I looooooved, in small part because it was a short but very moving read. I’m on about page 20 in Maugham’s Of Human Bondage which I’ve been meaning to read for years… but it may have to wait a few more years anyway because I think I’m going to switch tactics and read I Capture the Castle based on the recommendation of a blog with the same name. I stopped by the library and picked it up so I think I’ll start reading that today or tomorrow.

The Bar Method that’s “closest” to me (it’s still a full 30 minute drive away) is hosting a challenge where you can win a pair of grippy socks if you attend 17 classes in 28 days. That’s about 4x a week +1 more class. I was already attending barre at a different place in the same plaza 3x a week so it’s just upping the game a little bit especially since it’s been about a week and a half since I’ve gone running due to some unknown injury in my shin.

My first class in the challenge was yesterday and I have to say that in comparison to Barre Releve I hated my experience at The Bar Method. They’re completely different experiences. We hardly spent any time at the barre at The Bar Method whereas at Barre Releve you’re mostly at the barre with just a few exercises on the floor. Sigh. So now I feel sad that I will be away from my preferred spot for a month and that my progress may even slow/cease until I go back to Barre Releve.

This is why I stopped going to Bar Method last year, most likely. It just doesn’t hold my attention doing all these weird ass exercises that don’t amount to any kind of barre work… :\ But it was ONE class and maybe it was just that instructor… so back I go today to check it out. Hopefully I won’t be miserable. Admittedly though, my legs were shaking during ONE exercise yesterday but that hardly compares to full on BUCKETS of sweat at Barre Releve. Mumble grumble.

The suicidal thoughts ebb and flow. Some days are better than others. Some days I can visualize my death so clearly and the thought that everything would just be over feels like a welcome reprieve. But then I remember there are so many more books I want to read, movies I want to watch, so much more dance/meditation/places, etc. that is still left in the world and that gives me pause.

But people… I think a few months ago, there was this shift. The one light at the end of the tunnel suddenly dimmed, faded, and went out. And for that my flicker of hope died out. I now hate people, can’t stand them, and I just want to be away from everyone. I mean that’s not 100% true because of course we are social creatures by nature and require some amount of conversation… well anyway, I won’t explain further.