DaySeptember 7, 2014

“All the settings and the scenes that signal suffering”

It’s been about a week of working the two jobs… long, long days. A couple celebrities and interesting CEOs have stepped into the 2nd job to purchase things. So things have been pretty exciting. But it’s definitely taking a toll on my priorities list…

I’ve been eating like shit all week… I’m talking chips, beer, donuts, cake… like fucking forreal. :\ And I think I pronounced donuts as the ultimate sad food in my mind because afterward I would crash so hard from the sugar that I * would* actually feel a bit down in the dumps/low energy a little bit afterward.

We had a board game night last night after I got home from 2nd work.. and I hosted.. meaning I couldn’t leave early… blargh…

I felt really distracted and tired and after such a long day I just wanted to shut off my brain and not see any people and just be in bed watching something on TV or playing a mindless game on the iPad or anything really, that would not involve other people.

I finally went back to church today. It brought back really painful memories/the association of bothering my favorite before and after service via text. I didn’t really know I had that association. But I’ve spent almost all day lamenting and feeling sort of weird.

That’s the thing… I hate people most of the time, I rather be alone, I know how to keep entertained for the most part. Except for wanting to be in the company of the fave. And that’s not ever going to happen so I mean… I have to resort back to solitude (the preferred state). But solitude is only my preferred state *on the condition* that I have my favorite person close at hand. And since that’s not the case then well… just alone has to suffice.

I actually had a lengthy conversation with a stranger the other day about how he thought I should have a partner to share my life’s happiness and sadness and everything with and I vehemently denied requiring any such thing. Which is true… with the exception of the one exception. Ugh. Talking about relationships and this topic confuses my brain because I don’t understand how I can want and not want.

What I do want is to go into the swimming pool because it seems like a good idea but then once you’re there, there’s nothing to do in the water alone. So instead I look out onto the glistening water from my kitchen window, longing, pretending it’s something I don’t want. Maybe some things just look better from a distance. And once you’re there, it’s not quite the same.

I don’t know if that’s an argument for finding someone to swim in the water with me or an argument saying that my solitude is a sham or… well, I don’t know.

One of my coworkers quit on Friday. A salesman. He announced it on Tuesday… and since then I’ve been dreaming of getting his position. Which has created all kinds of fear in me. And the sadness of knowing that I probably won’t be offered his position because the company needs someone in my position. So instead fuck everyone else and I’ll do what I have to do to get my priorities taken care of ($400/month student loan bill, more rent now I’m in a condo, an “expensive” lifestyle of going out to eat, traveling… etc.) But anyway, yeah… it’s been hard dreaming every night of what it would mean if I got promoted but waking up knowing it was just a dream.

In a couple hours my cousins are coming over so I can tutor them (my uncle offered to give me moneyz after he heard I got a second job…) and I think it’ll go fairly smoothly.

I really wish I didn’t have so many life anxieties and that I could be content with the present. One day at a time. Systems, not goals.

I just feel so disillusioned by my current state of things. Which doesn’t sound like such a problem. I either need to realign my life expectations or do something to fulfill them. That constant flux is a major source of depression. And I know financials and career advancement are always my anxieties… while other people are more concerned about love and happiness and children and who knows what else. But I feel like career advancement is based more on my skills and how hard I work and my passion, etc. I could be the most passionate person in the world but it would never net me a loving partner. So I’m grateful at least that I’m not actively trying to find loveANDfailing. I’m just outright failing, but since I’m not actively searching for it, I’m okay with that.

I get this strange feeling this post isn’t composed in English. It’s more like Bri-speak which rarely makes sense. And I think it’s because Bri-speak is composed of far too many feelings. Feelings I never divulge in person because I rather be understood. Proper English and proper logic and proper distance.

I see people exuding sounds and motions of happiness and it seems so strange and foreign that I don’t even aim for such a feeling. It’s almost repulsive to me.

Sigh. I’m going to stop typing because otherwise I’ll ramble and ramble incoherently.