Expending

I am just barely awake right now. I feel inexplicably unrested and exhausted. Yet it’s a Monday, I’m at work and that means a lot a lot a lot to do. Most of which I’ve already powered through but then there is of course the 2nd job in the evening. And then tomorrow the same deal except that tomorrow I have to pack for my 10 day vacation. I started laundry yesterday morning and left it in the dryer. But at least I did all the dishes – half by hand and the bulk in the dishwasher. I also left those inside the dishwasher…

Everything feels like half-baked right now. There are just too many things to do and hardly enough time.

Yesterday evening my friend came over to see my place for the first time. By the time he came over I was about halfway through a bottle of wine… forreal. So I was definitely rather tipsy. I managed to entertain him with my home-cooked leftovers (which he super complimented, bless his heart). Then he listened to my super sexy talk on financials, career stressors, and just basically… nothing really all that interesting. But he was into it. And then he proceeded to compliment my watch (obviously he’s super smooth ok?) and he was delicately touching my wrist and it felt really nice. But I mean it was just my wrist! I have not had any human contact in a very long while, it would seem, that something so small was actually sufficient to make me blush. It was like straight up out of a Jane Austen novel where after he touches her hand they fall madly in love… lmfao.

But then he politely excused himself to go see his younger brother.

However, he messaged me almost immediately after a variation of “I wish I had stayed.”

Now, mind you. Mind you. He is NOT trying to woo me. Not even a little bit. This is just his personality. He’s this really charming, polite, flirtatious fucker that knows how to get a woman to fall head over heels.

And me? I started to feel sad and dwell on the fact that the only person I feel is worth any time at all just won’t ever feel I have any worth whatsoever. And it was pathetic. And I messaged him. And he isn’t going to reply. And … I just feel like I’m all messed up inside because of it. There’s nothing more I can do. It’s a dead end.

Knowing all the facts doesn’t change the emotional contradictions.

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