Chemical Fires

Under such disappointing times, we distract ourselves.
Showing off our petty chemical fires. They glow so wrong.
So you follow your dreams, or at least the dreams you’ve settled for.
But if you followed your dreams…

I want the answer. I want the cure for dying alone.
I thought that I was meant to be a hero.
Now they’ll all see how much I’ve grown.

Sing loud and scream and yell and raise your fists and cause an avalanche.
If you squeeze him hard enough, God might show the way.
Or if you’d just grow up,
You’d see that there’s little in this world worth screaming for.
So fall in love, and lie down.

My desk arrived yesterday. It’s super French, super classic. It’s almost ruined by the modernity of my computer but never mind that. I feel as though now I don’t ever have to leave my bedroom except to eat and make tea. I’ve been suddenly working on making my bedroom a sanctuary. Quite convenient since now I’m just at home most of the day (I still try to go out but I know that will dwindle when my funds give out from under me.)

Let’s focus on what I have been doing successfully. I’m one week away from six months vegetarian. Though I still can’t figure out for the life of my why I am… except that it’s healthier. Sort of. I’ve been nomzing on Hot Cheetos as of late. Stress relief? Nah. Just the tasteeeee. Though I’m fairly certain I’m going to cave soon on the meat front. And maybe just try to be very minimal about eating it. It’s strange though because eating certain foods appeals to me (you know, favorites/comforts) but then the thought of eating chicken or steak itself again makes me a little queasy.

Yesterday was a rough day in terms of my general level of anxiety. Today I woke up much better. More resolved to continue applying. But after hitting submit things are by and large out of my hands. And that’s a pretty scary thing especially since I need to constantly keep busy (that’s just my personality: can’t stop, won’t stop…?)… gah.

Even listening to music and watching movies feels wasteful of my time… which then becomes even more stressful… it’s very hard for me to enjoy anything unless I know all my ducks are in a row. Work first, work hard, play little bit later. 😡 Unemployment does not suit me AT ALL. I just want to be productive again.

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