MonthNovember 2014

Paper Weight

I love ridiculous beautifully aesthetic things. Lately I’ve been craving high-quality paper…

A $19 calendar ecologically produced in Japan using pH-balanced and chlorine-free paper. Postalco Wall Calendar for 2015 on Kaufmann Mercantile (Discover Better Products).

The paper looks to possess a very nice grain and weight based on the photos alone and naturally the minimal aesthetic is appealing because it seems so clean, so blank slate, so ready for the new year.

Yesterday I was perusing one of my favorite fashion blogs, Fashion Squad, when I saw it: Le Sac en Papier. A seemingly innocuous bag, made of paper, masquerading as catch-all, trash can, holder of things, but more importantly: brilliant design.

Let’s for one second forget about her deliciously beautiful vintage Bertoia Diamond Chairs and the delicate BRASS nesting coffee tables… to focus on the PAPER BAG in the far corner of her home:


I obviously desaturated the whole image save for the bag. And notice how just barely noticeable it is? How wonderfully the bag seamlessly integrates itself into her home?

It makes me want it. A PAPER BAG. With French writing on it self-declaring itself for what it is. Want the specs? 100% recycled natural kraft paper, re-usable, eco-friendly. Throw a small bin inside to preserve the internal integrity of the paper bag, just for good measure though.

Coincidentally my bedroom is in desperate need of a trash receptacle. I say receptacle because this is no ordinary thing. This beautiful paper bag. And the price? $10. But the shipping from France will cost you a little bit more than that.

Sometimes it’s a curse having that eye for quality. But I just want to surround myself with beautiful things. I don’t think it’s a crime to love beautiful design. My pursuit for quality and design has previously been misconstrued as the bad kind of materialism but I don’t think that is necessarily true… I just have an appreciation for these sorts of things.

Turn of Phrase

I’m feeling well-rested today. But also caffeinated. I shouldn’t drink coffee on well-rested days because then I get antsy. And it’s been pretty quiet and slow today at the new work.

Honestly I just can’t wait to get out of here so I can head to my barre class! I’m so excitedddd. I only have a few days of my membership left and I totally dropped the ball otherwise. Best to make super good use of my remaining days by attending every day. Afterward I have 10 classes at another barre place I went to once, but the instructor didn’t show up… Anyway… I think I’ll be covered on the exercise front for at least the next three weeks.

I have a dress to fit into by Dec. 20th. So uhm… snacking to a min., eating earlier in the day, etc. I turned into a slob for like a good month. And my weight gain is uber quick. My body absorbs the calories like craaaay. Fucking littleness that I am cursed with, hindering me from eating all the food I want. :\

Uh… I’ve been super productive the last few days. Lots of exercise. And sleeping fairly early. So I feel fucking AMAZING. My mood is great, my energy levels are high, my productivity is good… except there aren’t that many things to do…

I started talking about produce at the new work today. Well, more like… my old office environment. Where things were DIRE, and every bit of information meant something. There was a lot to interpret… and just… ugh. I thrive off that. I miss my old office for sure. Even got a text message from the office asking if I knew about a particular file. And I just wanted to get involved. :\ :\ :\ I feel like I gave up my career for a job. But I mean yeah there isn’t any going back. So the sooner I learn to stop dwelling the sooner I can find another high-stress job. YES: high-stress job. D;

Holidays are coming up. Good family times. Spent all Sunday morning with family and that was much pleasant.

(Uh… my writing is basic AF when I’m in a good mood. I’m not inclined to spout positive analogies and elegant expressions – I’m more the gritty, dark expressionist.)

Other things of note: Matthew has been on my mind a great deal. Which is such a sad, sad, sad, endeavor. Give my mind 6 months time and I finally start reacting to events. Delayed emotional receptors. But also… man, I fucked up really good on this one. Guess that’s the theme this year. Make decisions that will really alter the course of your life! And be really sad about it after the fact! Totez.

I just need to get the fuck over all the things that I want and cannot have. Because they’re never going to be had. That’s established. But if I could just imagine some other far more perfect version of my life as it stands now: the career and Matthew. And then like… bliss. But I suppose if life had no struggle, no failed attempts, there would be nothing but boring happiness. Happiness without the contrast of sadness is hardly anything at all.

Every time I reach this point in my argument something inside me is triggered. Like I hit an internal roadblock. I can’t think past this point. Because that weird thought lingers: if I were ever to get what I wanted, would it no longer be wanted? And that scares me profoundly.

Extracting as much happiness out of something as I possibly can. And when I have extracted all the happiness, discarding the remnants. An abandoned shell. But it’s all theoretical. And it speaks to my fear of happiness and utility and the concept of eros.

Also, I’m getting vague. And trying to stray from thoughts of Matthew.

On a completely different note: I miss snow. And cityscapes. This is the second winter I’m not traveling. I just want to go to Europe in December. Hell, I’d even take New York at this point. I associate winter time with travel time. But I’m not going anywhere this year. Just like last year. Maybe the situation will be different next winter.

Well! This went from upbeat to outright downtrodden. But the energy remains.


Black sweet blood mouthfuls,
Something else

Hauls me through air—
Thighs, hair;
Flakes from my heels.

Godiva, I unpeel—
Dead hands, dead stringencies.

— Sylvia Plath

Still, I have little to nothing to say. Things that come to mind: I’m wearing rag&bone from top to bottom. I love my outfit today. Though I mean… it’s taken on a lesser meaning. One of my coworkers has a profound love for fashion, too, I can tell. The other two that work alongside me are more into (fashion) photography in a generic sort of way. And while I adore them completely I just don’t feel I’m breathing fashion right now. Which is disheartening. But my job is fairly easy. And… I hate easy.

I feel like I’m living some beyond ordinary life right now and it’s sickeningly stifling. I miss produce. Though I’m so “in the know” with fashion that it comes easily to me. Maybe too easily. Which is why I’ve always proclaimed to never want to work in an industry I am passionate about in my spare time. It’s just not conducive to happiness at work.

On the other hand, I continue to play house with the lover. I’m not really sure what to say on the matter. I’m not used to the presence of another human being in my life. It’s sometimes overbearing and other times confusing. My ultimate preference of course is being alone. A fact confirmed by being not alone suddenly. But the lover equally plays both nice and naughty. So I’m not complaining… just making note. Though certainly I think perhaps spending more time apart would help. But it can’t be helped. Because situations. And before I gallop straight into vaguesville, I’ll stop. But my ultimate hesitation just breaks hearts.

Claw Point

The year has yet to end. There’s still a month and a half left to 2014. Yet… it seems like this year has been monumentally and inexplicably tirelessly never-ending. In this one year I managed to sell my Bimmer, get an Audi, move into a condo in a new city, got offered a raise/promotion, resigned, worked two jobs for a short period of time, then got a brand new job in a different industry altogether.

Yet right now I feel bored.

Suddenly work is over at 5 on the dot. There isn’t anything pending, no phone calls to expect, no stressors during my spare time. And so I am bored. Despite the fact that I’m now technically in the fashion industry. But fashion is so rarely fun in a work environment where you’re too busy to check the fashion blogs, collections, and news. You get this feeling that people are just working… rather than living and breathing fashion. And right now my work flow is not really my own. I’m being taught how to start a project that I will eventually take over for the duration of the next collection: Resort, deliveries 1 and 2. And eh… it’s just blasé.

I miss my work flow in produce. Things were desperately urgent then. And I had my own contacts and my own tasks. And we were out of there by 2 pm. And I mean… I dunno. I guess I should be content that this new job isn’t permanent. It’s a jumping off point. But I miss produce pretty badly.

I haven’t managed to create a routine yet. Before I would exercise EVERY SINGLE DAY without fail. But too many things have changed. It’s impossible to reclaim what once was.

I feel like everything moved more quickly then. Right now things seem slow and unimportant. Before I would go to work, work out, do something fun, sleep, then rinse and repeat.

Now I … have no structure. And I wake up ungodly late compared to my 4am of yesteryear. I wake up at 6 now. Work doesn’t even start until 8! And what a waste of time I find a one-hour lunch to be because I’m used to working hard hard hard for 3 hours, then munching and browsing the internets for small intervals then working really hard again or working and eating at the same time. It’s bizarre to set time aside to eat. For one whole fucking hour. I mean I guess if I ever have errands to run… but it would be better to just leave work earlier or have a two hour lunch to make time for exercising in the middle of the day then coming back.

But I suppose I should be grateful I was only unemployed for one month.

Things just seem so quiet.

Hm. I’m running for board member in my HOA on Monday… It’s getting a little political and the emails are flooding my inbox. Which I mean… I guess.

Right now I can tell I’m not living for myself. I’m just cycling through the motions. :\ I’m on someone else’s time right now. Waiting for triggers. And before all the things were on my own time. Ugh… Why am I such a malcontent? Adjusting to a whole new life is really finally taking its toll maybe.

I suppose just a little time will make things feel normal-esque again.