Turn of Phrase

I’m feeling well-rested today. But also caffeinated. I shouldn’t drink coffee on well-rested days because then I get antsy. And it’s been pretty quiet and slow today at the new work.

Honestly I just can’t wait to get out of here so I can head to my barre class! I’m so excitedddd. I only have a few days of my membership left and I totally dropped the ball otherwise. Best to make super good use of my remaining days by attending every day. Afterward I have 10 classes at another barre place I went to once, but the instructor didn’t show up… Anyway… I think I’ll be covered on the exercise front for at least the next three weeks.

I have a dress to fit into by Dec. 20th. So uhm… snacking to a min., eating earlier in the day, etc. I turned into a slob for like a good month. And my weight gain is uber quick. My body absorbs the calories like craaaay. Fucking littleness that I am cursed with, hindering me from eating all the food I want. :\

Uh… I’ve been super productive the last few days. Lots of exercise. And sleeping fairly early. So I feel fucking AMAZING. My mood is great, my energy levels are high, my productivity is good… except there aren’t that many things to do…

I started talking about produce at the new work today. Well, more like… my old office environment. Where things were DIRE, and every bit of information meant something. There was a lot to interpret… and just… ugh. I thrive off that. I miss my old office for sure. Even got a text message from the office asking if I knew about a particular file. And I just wanted to get involved. :\ :\ :\ I feel like I gave up my career for a job. But I mean yeah there isn’t any going back. So the sooner I learn to stop dwelling the sooner I can find another high-stress job. YES: high-stress job. D;

Holidays are coming up. Good family times. Spent all Sunday morning with family and that was much pleasant.

(Uh… my writing is basic AF when I’m in a good mood. I’m not inclined to spout positive analogies and elegant expressions – I’m more the gritty, dark expressionist.)

Other things of note: Matthew has been on my mind a great deal. Which is such a sad, sad, sad, endeavor. Give my mind 6 months time and I finally start reacting to events. Delayed emotional receptors. But also… man, I fucked up really good on this one. Guess that’s the theme this year. Make decisions that will really alter the course of your life! And be really sad about it after the fact! Totez.

I just need to get the fuck over all the things that I want and cannot have. Because they’re never going to be had. That’s established. But if I could just imagine some other far more perfect version of my life as it stands now: the career and Matthew. And then like… bliss. But I suppose if life had no struggle, no failed attempts, there would be nothing but boring happiness. Happiness without the contrast of sadness is hardly anything at all.

Every time I reach this point in my argument something inside me is triggered. Like I hit an internal roadblock. I can’t think past this point. Because that weird thought lingers: if I were ever to get what I wanted, would it no longer be wanted? And that scares me profoundly.

Extracting as much happiness out of something as I possibly can. And when I have extracted all the happiness, discarding the remnants. An abandoned shell. But it’s all theoretical. And it speaks to my fear of happiness and utility and the concept of eros.

Also, I’m getting vague. And trying to stray from thoughts of Matthew.

On a completely different note: I miss snow. And cityscapes. This is the second winter I’m not traveling. I just want to go to Europe in December. Hell, I’d even take New York at this point. I associate winter time with travel time. But I’m not going anywhere this year. Just like last year. Maybe the situation will be different next winter.

Well! This went from upbeat to outright downtrodden. But the energy remains.

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