The Reading

I have this grand idea that I am going to read a great deal of books this year. The intent is always there and then I end up reading only a handful of books every year instead of hitting double digits.

The list of books I would like to stick to or am aiming to read are these:

  1. The Goldfinch
  2. Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of the World
  3. Red Rising
  4. House of Leaves
  5. Stone Mattress: Nine Tales
  6. The Invention of Solitude
  7. Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage
  8. The Book of Strange New Things
  9. Missing Person
  10. The Book of Disquiet
  11. S.

That’s all I have for now. The elusive 12th book (at the hopeful pace of 1 book a month) I’m sure will come to mind sooner or later.

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Colorless

“I have no sense of self. I have no personality, no brilliant color. I have nothing to offer. That’s always been my problem. I feel like an empty vessel. I have a shape, I guess, as a container, but there’s nothing inside.”
“Let’s say you are an empty vessel. So what? What’s wrong with that?” Eri said. “You’re still a wonderful, attractive vessel. And really, does anybody know who they are? So why not be a completely beautiful vessel? The kind people feel good about, the kind people want to entrust with precious belongings.”
— Haruki Murakami – Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage
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Jarring

I just experienced the dizzying emotion of the jarring reality of life outside myself and I pray to the existential gods that I can just learn to let go. I am literally internally disoriented right now and I can’t shake the feeling…

My faults and flaws are so clearly showing I sometimes wonder how anyone can tolerate me at all. But at least in thinking that I am assuaged I am better apart from the aforementioned alternate reality. There, I am calmer — but only for now.

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Mellow Melt.

January felt at once both slow, with cold nights and early bed times, and fast, with the end of the month arriving almost too soon.

Mostly I can’t help but wonder what new things will transpire this year based primarily on the rate of change my 2014 experienced. This month I started at the new work and am now the proud owner of a gorgeous Siberian Husky named Caspian and spent most of my free time with my fairly new boyfriend (a last-minute 2014 feat).

My goal for creating a set routine is slowly starting to take shape. I take great comfort in constantly and continually getting things done. Idle time is wasted time and it strains my mood considerably. Exhaustion is always preferable to me than restlessness – physically. Mentally, that’s another story. I prefer to keep my mind entertained rather than under extreme duress.

Admittedly I only have three days under my belt, but the new routine consists of waking up at 3:30a and going to sleep at 9p. The trick is in fitting in the most productivity between the hours of 3p and 9p which only amounts to 6 hours. This leaves little to no room for time wastefulness. Here is where mindfulness comes into play though: knowing that sitting around doing ‘nothing (of value)’ is completely destructive.

The days have mostly been a mixed bag thus far which isn’t bad. Things are moving along at a steady pace which isn’t bad. I don’t have anything substantial to note at the moment. But such is the case when I subsist on a basic existence of happiness which… isn’t bad.

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