DayJanuary 29, 2015


“I have no sense of self. I have no personality, no brilliant color. I have nothing to offer. That’s always been my problem. I feel like an empty vessel. I have a shape, I guess, as a container, but there’s nothing inside.”
“Let’s say you are an empty vessel. So what? What’s wrong with that?” Eri said. “You’re still a wonderful, attractive vessel. And really, does anybody know who they are? So why not be a completely beautiful vessel? The kind people feel good about, the kind people want to entrust with precious belongings.”
— Haruki Murakami – Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage


I just experienced the dizzying emotion of the jarring reality of life outside myself and I pray to the existential gods that I can just learn to let go. I am literally internally disoriented right now and I can’t shake the feeling…

My faults and flaws are so clearly showing I sometimes wonder how anyone can tolerate me at all. But at least in thinking that I am assuaged I am better apart from the aforementioned alternate reality. There, I am calmer — but only for now.