“Make a sound, fake it enough.”

I’ve been revisiting Circa Survive’s first album, Juturna, lately. It’s a pretty turbulent place to go. This album is brimming with emotion it’s easy to use it very bright and early in the morning when you need to kickstart the heart engine.

Can we last through the winter?
The water’s starting to freeze.
The only one who remembers
Taking the wrong step, falling in front of me.
This body’s already aging.
These nights are already long.
And if I last through the winter,
I swear to you now, I won’t call.

Congratulations, go home now.

Will we last through the winter?
Will we make it to see?
I never wanted a partner and I never loved you,
Now you are free to leave.
This heart is already frozen,
I can’t remember the fall.
And if I last through the winter,
I swear to you now, I won’t call.

I sort of started writing about time management and then I started typing about conditioned responses but then I also want to mention how A Most Violent Year reminds me of Rocky. I don’t really know what topic to talk about in-depth becauseĀ I’m exhausted and very sleepy today.

I really want/need to bake a banana bread loaf this afternoon. Two perfectly overripe bananas are sitting on the counter and if I don’t make the bread, they’ll go to waste.

What I really would enjoy though, is a hearty nap. Except there’s that precious doggy of mine that needs a walk now when I get home. The walk and the accompanying chilled air somehow manage to wake me up. I’m only one cup of coffee in so maybe that plus a shortage of sleeping hours account forĀ the lulled state of my addled brain.

I find happiness beyond comprehension. Now that I am faced with daily happiness I don’t know what to do with myself. Happiness, like all things, is fleeting, so I get this urge to banish it rather than embrace it. Happiness brings to light all of the reasons and excuses for why I shouldn’t be [happy]… which mostly consists of things that aren’t real (convincing myself I’m heartless, I’m cruel, happiness is not in my cards, etc.)…

But that’s extremely boring to me so I don’t think I care enough to elaborate make-believe scenarios.

I’ve been ignoring my social life for a few weeks now… but I just don’t feel much in the mood to socialize and smile and laugh and talk and listen. It feels like such a taxing thing to do right now especially since there are so many personal things I want to get done that are not getting done in a timely manner these days.

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