DayMarch 17, 2015


“Am I a good person? Deep down, do I even really want to be a good person, or do I only want to seem like a good person so that people (including myself) will approve of me? Is there a difference? How do I ever actually know whether I’m bullshitting myself, morally speaking?”
— David Foster Wallace

Lost Lovers

Because there’s a the Soil & the Sun song for everything these days.

I’m lost and you are my lover
I call your name
I’m led by the lure of your lyre
Into your inner chamber

I’m faint and you are forever
I go astray
I walk by the light of your fire
Would you follow me into the darkness?

This heavy sorrow mine
With every sadness thine
To carry through all time
Will be our joie de vivre

I sink and you are the river
I drift away
I drink of the life in your water
Would you carry me out of the darkness?

This heavy sorrow mine
With every sadness thine
To carry through all time
Will be our joie de vivre


It slipped my mind today is St. Patrick’s Day. I’ve only ever celebrated it a grand total of once – last year. I went to a local bar with my mom and a couple of her close coworker friends. I remember exactly what I wore because I sent the photo of my outfit via text going, “This counts as green right?” and the whole memory sort of makes me hurt all over. As far as I know my friends don’t really celebrate this holiday. Or I just don’t drink with my friends very often.

I rather not think about last year’s St. Patrick’s Day… I got drunk really quickly.

Actually I regret thinking about last year now. It’s definitely the OPPOSITE of what this post was going to be about.

March 17, 2014


March 18, 2014


March 19, 2014


I was obviously playing a different ball game last year. Wanting things and doing things that would take me even further away from those things.

How did I fuck up so royally last year? And yet I still ended the year with the most amazing boyfriend ever.

But obviously I don’t know how to appreciate a good thing. So a little distance can just help me re-stabilize and figure out what’s wrong with me. I constantly feel like I’m crashing from a sugar high. Just dull and tired and sleepy and like I’m watching things go by without fully participating.


I mean… what do we think? In full remission? Doubtful.

This isn’t even the dramatic, full-blown let me threaten someone with suicide to get my way type of depression. This is the slow, dull, ache of I’m okay not living right now. And it’s been floating around inside my body for a while. And then there are moments of I’m OK/I’m having fun — but then the noise fades away and I’m left with that same dull ache.

Mostly I just want to be alone right now. I know sleeping it off works so well. I wake up OK for the most part but then by late afternoon everything seems pointless.

Yesterday morning on my drive to work I just felt like curling up into myself and not moving for a little while. And this was at 5am while I was speeding to work in the pitch blackness before the morning light hits.

I’ve been taking Vitamin D, getting sun, taking bee pollen to keep my energy up… and it’s not working yet. Nothing works right now.

But I’m working on it. That’s probably a step above total failure.