MonthSeptember 2015

Weather // Whether

I’m dreaming of a fall wardrobe and colder weather. The issue is whether or not the temperature is going to drop any time soon…

I’ve really been eyeing items from my usual favorite brands: Everlane, AYR, Cuyana, and really lusting after a new makeup routine as well. Every fashionista is rocking the oxblood but I’m content just to experience a few new black, white, grey, and blue classic pieces.


People I Know

While I’ve been a complete hermit and recluse this entire year I do admit I know some people. While I’m not as close to this lovely lady as I wish I were I’m still looking to her as a source of inspiration.


A lot of questions come to mind when looking at this. For starters, why did it take her 5 years to complete  her Bachelor’s degree? Then… it’s like OK she thought she was going to be a teacher and she did teach 2 months short of 5 years. Then boom she’s in law school. To my knowledge teachers don’t earn very much in the beginning. So aside from knowing her family is well-off how did she pay for law school? Where did that decision come about?

Anyway. I feel like her teaching credential is similar to my personal equivalent of this A.A. I’m currently pursuing. I just feel like I need to figure out what my game plan is going to be. I don’t want to waste time/years waiting to spring into action.

But anyway… looking at other peoples’ educational pursuits really inspires me and lets me go, OK this isn’t so weird. You go one way then you just veer left and go in another direction. And it’s still consistent with your overarching life goals.

Regardless I still need to figure out just how long I’m going to work before applying to some type of graduate school program. Certainly though, I’m not going to make any kind of move until I know.

Sigh… but it’s just that these programs require application a year in advance you know… and I need to study for the entrance exams… and ughajdfahsldf stressed.


I’m trying not to go into full-fledged meltdown here. One step at a time  works… but only to the extent that you actually know where you’re going. And I feel like I’m flailing my arms about not knowing where my next step is supposed to be.

In two weeks I go back to school. Period. For the first three months I will be able to work at any full-time job that allows me to take Thursdays off. Which practically eliminates any respectable paying job right off the bat. So I’m stressed definitely. Also I can’t underestimate how many projects or assignments I might have in my classes so working a job with extremely odd hours also somehow stresses me out.

It just seems to me the whole point of going to school is to work and earn happiness (=money) right?

Anyway… I just know now that I want to go to grad school and so it seems really stressful to me asking how long I should work before applying. MBA or JD? That’s another question. There are too many questions and I’m feeling overwhelmed. But I’m not even beyond step 1 yet: Finish this 9 month A.A. in Merch Marketing program.

Then what?

Cue me biting my nails. I don’t like uncertainty.

Notebooks, Books, Paper

Dear Daniel,

This is hardly the letter you’ve been asking for, much less in the form you were expecting and even lesser — the content. But these are the words I have right now and I feel a need to say them to you and in written form. So here we go.

My Marie Kondo-ing has stopped and for the greater part of a month (maybe more?) I just sort of dropped everything in its place. So I resolved today to continue where I left off, on the category of paper. But what I have the most of is paper. As you well know. So I came across not 1 or 2 diaries, but FIFTEEN! Most of my old diaries are incomplete or blank and even reiterations of one another (as I used to “update” each diary on the same night as if each one were an individual friend).

The oldest diary I found is from 2000. One might be older but I didn’t bother looking at the dates. A lot of writing happened in the year 2001 when I was 12 and mostly I wrote about learning HTML and all my numerous websites and how I was meeting web-designers online, etc.

Most of the diaries can be saved because the majority of the pages are blank and I’m sure I can use some of them… right?? But the almost complete ones… the diaries whose purpose has been fulfilled, I’m finding it extremely hard to let go. I can’t bring myself to throw them away. And I know it’s because I treasure the past so much when I should instead be looking to the future. But memories mean so much to me and I don’t know what to do.

Reading things about my past recalls a time when I was a little bit more unaware of the world, a little more focused on creation and creativity and my most extreme worry was learning tables (now defunct), frames, and Paintshop Pro 7. I just want to be there, in those moments, again. The present feels so wrought with worry that I can’t even express it. The possibility of youth just seems so dwindled I’m even crying right now.

I think the romance in letters only comes from distance. We see each other every day, share our life every day but we have to concern ourselves with dishes, and walking the dog, and real things. Time is moving too quickly. I don’t want to focus on real things — I want to focus on the enjoyment there rarely seems to be time for anymore.

I know they’re just diaries. I know they’re the past. But I like looking back at written history and remembering. All those small insignificant things I wrote about (“I made a friend today,” “I went to Knott’s Berry Farm,” etc.) seem so much more monumental because I otherwise would never have remembered. And my appreciation for those captured memories is too great.

It’s hard living a minimal life. But I know once I get rid of some of these excesses then it will be easier to focus on the present and to an extent, look to the future to find my joy. For example, instead of being inundated by 200 books, if I had a collection of 20 it would be easier to go pick out a book and say, “Ah I know this is something I am going to enjoy reading.” The less mess there is to sort through, the easier the joy. But I’m just afraid some treasure will get mixed in with the mess. And I just can’t continue on. I’m far too emotional about paper. It feels like I’m throwing away every accomplishment and with it comes a fear that I will have no new accomplishments.

It’s funny how much more easily I am able to toss anything and everything else into the garbage but paper, but that’s because I know hardly anything else in this life is rare. There exists countless other copies and versions of just about everything. But not my personal past. That is unique and it cannot be replicated. But it can be forgotten. I don’t want to forget. Little else captures memories like the written form. Not even photos do that for me.

I need lessons in letting go. Or a storage plan for the past.

Yesterday I went to see Mr. Holmes finally. It’s about Sherlock Holmes, in a retired state, attempting to recall his last case but he is unable. He is senile and dying. This is something like my fear: not being able to remember something important. Because 10 years from now, 20, 30 years — how do you know what will have been important? Sherlock regrets not having written the story of his last case sooner and only through much hardship does he finally recall the last of his work. (I was almost in the theater alone and then some really old man came in. Apropos.)

Anyway, I’ll see you later tonight. We might have to change the movie we watch tonight but with so many great films out right now I think we’ll be OK.