Tonight is just one of those nights where I hate everything and just about everyone. I have the rant ready to go in my mind but I’m sort of emotion-shy right now. Maybe because my anger and annoyance are not rightly justified, but I feel nonetheless.
I hate that I can’t go anywhere with Daniel anymore. And the reason we can’t go anywhere anymore is because he has physically abused me several times in the past. Bruises and tears and emotional breakdowns and very late nights and many broken things and sometimes injuries. There’s no way he can come to any of my family events anymore. It’s not right. But then he still lives here and we still hang out and have dinner together and hold one another sometimes. And it’s just so mind-fucking weird. I know I shouldn’t keep playing house with someone like that. And it’s like an embarrassing secret or a clandestine relationship. Whatever it is, it doesn’t feel good going alone to family events (because I don’t go out otherwise unless it’s a family event ‘cus I ain’t got no frenz n e more).
Everyone was dancing tonight and I had no one to dance with and I had no one to talk to and I felt incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. At my own family’s party.
Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore, so I left.
Even though I love dancing and I wanted to have fun.
But when I think about it, if Daniel had gone, we’d probably get into a fight anyway. About something or other. Because he’s got the lowest tolerance for anything, and the quickest to anger response I’ve ever seen. When I think about it, I hate it. I hate the current state of things so much. This isn’t someone that treats me kindly.
I found some old video recordings from college because I used to record a lot and take lots of pictures way before Snapchat and Instagram were even invented. And I used to laugh so much. Now I rarely laugh and there’s very little joy in my life. Daniel doesn’t understand my humor or my jokes. Or anything about me really. I’m always in a constant state of war instead of conversing and laughing and being myself. I can’t be myself because it always leads to some kind of misunderstanding. I can’t be sassy in a funny kind of way. I can’t be witty. I can’t be anything. It’s all misunderstood. Like we speak completely different languages.
I don’t know how I ended up in a situation like this. I don’t know what to do. Or how to fix it. Or if it’s even worth fixing. I don’t think Daniel and I are ever going to be happy and I’m tired of trying. It’s never going to be the relationship I want it to be because we just don’t get along. Even if we managed to get along from this minute forward there are all the moments in which we didn’t get along and nothing can erase that. I hate relationships. I did when I was younger and after this, my first real relationship ever, I think I was right. I don’t even know how to reintegrate myself into society now.
I feel angry because I don’t keep up with my old friends anymore. But the sad thing is, they don’t either. I don’t exactly get invites from any friends to do anything. And I’m too depressed to reach out to anyone anyway — it’d feel like charity or like a pity hang, begging someone that hasn’t bothered to keep in touch, to hang out with me. I’ve lost so much faith in people that I don’t even want a new set of friends either. I’m just tired of how unreliable people can be and how disappointing that is, and that is something I rather just not meddle with anymore.
I know David has come to visit LA from New York a handful of times and each time I just can’t muster the social strength to see him. He’s my most beloved friend from 10th grade to UCSB and beyond. He was there for me during my tough high school years and through college, and through anything. But I can’t stand the idea that I’d see my friend during a time when I feel so depressed. That’s not the state I want to be in to see David. He’s got the funniest, loudest laugh and the biggest heart and I know he wants to support me through what I’ve been through with Daniel recently — but I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and I just can’t do it. He called social services when he saw how my mom treated me (also physical and emotional abuse) so I know he has my back. But I rather things were normal and happy and that if he came to LA to visit his family that if we hung out it were a joyous thing not a chance to connect over something ridiculous — and a situation he’s seen me go through before. Besides, no one wants to hear about depressing, sad things. No one wants to hear anything.
Omg, now I’m crying and feeling all sad at myself. This is so pathetic. I wish I could figure things out and just do what’s right. 🙁