Chaos. That is what my life and my house have become as of late. I have to-do lists piled sky high on almost every surface of this household.
One case in point:
A renewal letter from The Atlantic, a 401k rollover action needed like yesterday notice, so many magazines I have yet to read (really, will I ever?) — especially when I’ve read the articles from those publications online most especially The New Yorker. I mean it’s thin enough to carry around anywhere but rather pretentious, so I abstain. Almost nothing is in its proper place. I used to run such a precise, tight ship in which everything was right where it should be: a place for all things. But then living with someone changed all that. You cannot control or account for the movement of others. Or dictate just how tidy they can be when I myself am prone to the more than occasional untidiness and then hypocrisy prevails.
When it comes to things in paper form, I cannot for the life of me throw away the things I really should and throw away all the really important papers. Forreal. I have a paper clutter problem. No amount of bookshelf space short of The Beast’s Castle could suffice.
Anyway, I came on here to post a digital mood board collage. Gods forbid I print out or cut out papers and create a physical mood board. I don’t think my home can handle any more of that. However, an hour has since passed and I failed to make a collage instead opting for crossing things off my to-do list like ordering some small knickknacks for my aunt’s baby shower and curating a collection of french country images for my aunt’s new house like I said I would.
Also, I’ve come to the realization (yet again) that most people are neither reliable or nice, and I rather seclude myself from the world. I always land on the same feeling. This feeling has become my home base, at-neutral emotion, my comfort zone. Except it makes me deeply resentful and very uncomfortable, if I’m being honest.
My emotions fluctuate between wanting to be an optimist and being an actual pessimist. It leads to some seriously confusing dialogues. Wanting not to want and not wanting to want. Not needing to need and needing to not need. I’m forever a Pisces:
Circling back into myself over and over and over and over. Going one direction and the other direction at the same time.
Anyway, time for Sunday night HBO. I don’t know what I would do without film and television and other consumable media like podcasts and books.