Mixed Bag

There’s no right way to approach this post because there are too many underlying things troubling me. That’s not to say good things aren’t also happening, but I’m highly stressed out and emotionally vulnerable right now. I have worry on a lot of different fronts right now. People-related drama gets to me very badly. Currently I’m looking forward to reading The Stranger in the Woods, the story of Christopher Knight, the man who lived as a hermit for 27 years in the woods of Maine with no human interaction. That’s my current mind set, except I know that living as a hermit would not produce any new ideas (great novels rely on authors, the best movies require actors, directors, etc. etc. – I mean it’s easy to see the point). I would not be able to consume music, film, or well-written prose without people. But at the same time, it feels worth stepping away and never coming back, but I’d have to pack as many books as possible. Even Christopher Knight stole many novels because even he understood that there is value in the work man produces.

I just feel like I don’t have a support system right now. I don’t know who to turn to or who to talk to anymore. I wish I enjoyed drinking just so I could have some kind of activity to do while writing this, kind of Faulkner or Hemingway-esque. But alcohol tastes disgusting to me.

Why is it that everything feels so broken right now?

Earlier today I thought of packing my bags and taking a break from my current environment. Then I realized I actually have no where to go that is any better than where I am currently. Every place I thought to go had its own fair share of troubles. I went to visit my mom today and I definitely do not want to stay over even one night. My brother was extremely rude to me, more than I’ve ever seen him be as he is usually a mellow individual. That took me by surprise and just wore me down when I went to my mom’s as a respite from all that anger. And of course my mom and I usually run into getting along issues after a little too much time together. Then I considered getting a hotel or an Airbnb for a week, and while I can afford it, it’s not even financially smart since I’m trying to accomplish some financial feats right now (pay off debt, save more, invest more, potentially move closer to work/security deposit/higher rent, etc.). Those financial things are stressing me out as well.

Most members of my family are not speaking to one of my aunts right now. And it troubles me because my family is so separated right now, which is new to me. We’ve always been close and probably will be again in the future, but it’s taxing keeping up with all the drama. Even staying angry at my aunt takes too much energy that I wish I could just not even give a shit. But I also don’t deserve to be treated the way she is treating everyone in the family so that to just “forgive and forget” is also not a ‘right’ option. But I have too many other issues to have to deal with this.

I’m worried about my mom and my aunt, who both seemed to have inherited alcohol-related issues from my grandmother (cause of death was probably related to alcohol toxicity and how she drank all the time). I’m worried about my brother who randomly quit his community college classes AGAIN and refuses to work even after people have offered him positions or opportunities. And now he’s having some kind of anger asshole issues. I’m worried about how I’m constantly arguing with Daniel. I just want my partner to be someone I can feel completely at ease with and explain all my frustrations to without having to fear violent angry retaliation. I just want us to be perfectly fine and perfectly happy and perfectly collaborative. There are so many things I’m worrying about right now that I just want one part of my life to be stress-less, but I can’t seem to quit any portion of the things that are stressing me out.

Right now, music is my major recourse. It helps me process the emotion inside. I haven’t really watched any movies lately that have done that for me, but movies used to make me cry and would also help me cleanse the emotions. When can all things just be at a stable level of OK?

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