DaySeptember 29, 2018

I’m numb to the rhythm that guides you.

I know you’re not empty
I know you’re still there
I know you’re not empty
I know you still care

I never wanted to be caught up in not looking back
I never wanted to be treated like a psycho
I never wanted to be singing about you again
But you keep locked in your possession over my soul

God damn
You caught me looking back
God damn
With no discretion
God damn
You got me going mad
God damn
It’s an obsession

Dance Gavin Dance, “Care”

Funny how easy it is for me to throw up any emotion while I’m in the presence of other people. But while I’m on my own, the only emotion is sort of … depression. Today, anyway. I don’t have another person to hide my emotions behind this weekend since I hardly have any actual friends I spend actual time with and D is busy with a pre-release.

So yes, I’m feeling lonely.

I’ve been meeting new people these last few months and it’s hilarious that I think they find me interesting. Honestly, it’s all a rouse. That part of me comes out, the one that just wants everyone to like me, and once that’s accomplished, I’m for the most part, done. (Done with them, that is. Unless out of necessity I have to continue engaging with them for some reason. And the rouse continues.)

Those that are like close friends, I sense that I am unequivocally boring because I have nothing to contribute. That part of me that once felt I had to entertain them sort of stops working and I revert to my true self: boring.

It’s hard to tell if I am putting these words together correctly to say what I mean – maybe I have explained it like an instruction manual, but there is little to no connectable impact. I only write professional work emails and dumb downed text messages nowadays. So my ability to write powerful, impactful images (if ever I had it) has sort of vanished.

Say you want to know the truth
Well you can ask me a question
I’ll tell you something that you may want to hear
But I’ll lie, lie

I don’t really wanna be the bitch that gives a shit & bottles it
Deliberately swallows it, one less contestant life
They’ll provide the documents to make believe you’re gonna fit
Spend your time as militant self help perfection hype

“Inspire the Liars”

As I mentioned, I have been meeting a few new people lately and their curiosity about me has made me sort of recoil because I can’t not be charismatic when I meet new people. Unfortunately it makes too big of an impression; the cold, hard truth is there’s nothing (t)here. There is nothing to find out. So it makes me face some sick truth about myself while I continue busting out the mysterious one-liners. Replace mysterious with “funny,” “sarcastic,” or whatever word my brain seems to think the person across from me wants to hear. It elicits a reaction, and then I go back to my neutral, cold, deadpan (true?) self.

The only instance in which this isn’t true is once someone has become my actual friend and then, cue “I have nothing to say.”

Whenever I don’t have anything to do, or anyone to talk to I resort to buying shoes that I’ll never wear because I never go anywhere or do anything. Beautiful, gorgeous shoes for the life I wish I were living but do not actually have.

I am three months away from reaching my 4 year anniversary with D. I definitely mean it when I say I don’t know what I would do without him. But at the same time, I know we aren’t the happiest. He’s quick to anger, and I, quick to disappoint (him). It’s a recipe for disaster. I don’t think I know how to properly be in a relationship. And while I’m spinning tales about how much of a failure I am (in my head), he probably just wishes I could ground my thoughts and emotions and turn my energy into real-life actions like helping out with the cats or the dishes or some other real life bullshit.

Despite everything, I would like to resolve and find out if I am a pessimist or an optimist. For whatever reason, I suspect I am the latter.

Lastly – when will I be able to close out that one chapter? Why can’t I?