AuthorBrigitte

I’m numb to the rhythm that guides you.

I know you’re not empty
I know you’re still there
I know you’re not empty
I know you still care

I never wanted to be caught up in not looking back
I never wanted to be treated like a psycho
I never wanted to be singing about you again
But you keep locked in your possession over my soul

God damn
You caught me looking back
God damn
With no discretion
God damn
You got me going mad
God damn
It’s an obsession

Dance Gavin Dance, “Care”

Funny how easy it is for me to throw up any emotion while I’m in the presence of other people. But while I’m on my own, the only emotion is sort of … depression. Today, anyway. I don’t have another person to hide my emotions behind this weekend since I hardly have any actual friends I spend actual time with and D is busy with a pre-release.

So yes, I’m feeling lonely.

I’ve been meeting new people these last few months and it’s hilarious that I think they find me interesting. Honestly, it’s all a rouse. That part of me comes out, the one that just wants everyone to like me, and once that’s accomplished, I’m for the most part, done. (Done with them, that is. Unless out of necessity I have to continue engaging with them for some reason. And the rouse continues.)

Those that are like close friends, I sense that I am unequivocally boring because I have nothing to contribute. That part of me that once felt I had to entertain them sort of stops working and I revert to my true self: boring.

It’s hard to tell if I am putting these words together correctly to say what I mean – maybe I have explained it like an instruction manual, but there is little to no connectable impact. I only write professional work emails and dumb downed text messages nowadays. So my ability to write powerful, impactful images (if ever I had it) has sort of vanished.

Say you want to know the truth
Well you can ask me a question
I’ll tell you something that you may want to hear
But I’ll lie, lie

I don’t really wanna be the bitch that gives a shit & bottles it
Deliberately swallows it, one less contestant life
They’ll provide the documents to make believe you’re gonna fit
Spend your time as militant self help perfection hype

“Inspire the Liars”

As I mentioned, I have been meeting a few new people lately and their curiosity about me has made me sort of recoil because I can’t not be charismatic when I meet new people. Unfortunately it makes too big of an impression; the cold, hard truth is there’s nothing (t)here. There is nothing to find out. So it makes me face some sick truth about myself while I continue busting out the mysterious one-liners. Replace mysterious with “funny,” “sarcastic,” or whatever word my brain seems to think the person across from me wants to hear. It elicits a reaction, and then I go back to my neutral, cold, deadpan (true?) self.

The only instance in which this isn’t true is once someone has become my actual friend and then, cue “I have nothing to say.”

Whenever I don’t have anything to do, or anyone to talk to I resort to buying shoes that I’ll never wear because I never go anywhere or do anything. Beautiful, gorgeous shoes for the life I wish I were living but do not actually have.

I am three months away from reaching my 4 year anniversary with D. I definitely mean it when I say I don’t know what I would do without him. But at the same time, I know we aren’t the happiest. He’s quick to anger, and I, quick to disappoint (him). It’s a recipe for disaster. I don’t think I know how to properly be in a relationship. And while I’m spinning tales about how much of a failure I am (in my head), he probably just wishes I could ground my thoughts and emotions and turn my energy into real-life actions like helping out with the cats or the dishes or some other real life bullshit.

Despite everything, I would like to resolve and find out if I am a pessimist or an optimist. For whatever reason, I suspect I am the latter.

Lastly – when will I be able to close out that one chapter? Why can’t I?

Ideal State

As is my new yearly norm, I suffer some major New Year’s Resolutions set backs: mainly, that of being sick. But regardless, my pursuit for healthier starts and idealized morning routines has not diminished with the start of a new year. Before creating a run-down of what I would like to accomplish every morning/day/night, I want to list out my goals as they’ve been coming to me in fits and starts as I have yet to write them down.

Goals:

  • Read more, and more often
    • At least 12 hours a month
    • Hopefully 6-10 books this year
    • May have to tweak how many hours that ends up being, but at the moment aiming to read at least 30 minutes a day 5 days a week – when in my day, TBD
  • Drink enough water
    • Currently using my planner to track water intake
  • Utilize my new planner – Erin Condren – I ordered stickers and such so I can get into it
  • Create a cleaning routine so that cleaning does not become some monumental task, but more about weekly upkeep
    • Yesterday I deep-cleaned my bath tub, and it took several Bar Keeper’s Friend soaks to lift away all the grime (the tubs were most likely never sealed or are just made of some really awful surface that gets dirty fast, and almost NOTHING will clean it – people have posted about it on Next Door, but what can you do!?)
    • Printed out a list of household chores so that they are manageable; however, getting Daniel to help out and clean to my level of expectation might be the trickier part. I don’t blame him necessarily, since he is the primary household cleaner-upper due to my long commute, but his “it’s clean-ish” really has caused a lot of the home to accumulate the harder to clean dust, grime, etc. so now I have to full-on deeeeeep clean
  • Focus on eating healthier
    • A part of this is my love for reading new health trends such as adaptogens, teas, mushroom coffee, kefir, kombucha, etc.
  • Tidy up and organize the home – this is currently underway thanks to time off and working from home days, but with my commute coming back to normal, I no longer have time to continue tidying up and it’s causing me a lot of stress
  • Shop less, save more
    • The complexity of this goal really means it should be two separate goals, but are definitely intertwined as the reason I cannot save more is because I have a habit of shopping for expensive items without any budget in mind

— Well, it’s been 23 days since I last wrote this post. It’s now 2/22 and I have not really used my computer since because work has been absolutely crazy. 🙁 I’m successfully meditating on the weekends, more consciously drinking water (but still, very very very little), taking vitamins daily for a few weeks now, so I mean it’s not all bad, but I’m extremely tired and extremely sad about my work/life lack of balance right now.

Hitting Publish because I don’t want to keep this as a Draft.

Anti-Static

There are plenty of words I have to say right now, but for some reason I’m not finding any comfort in engaging with the blog versus engaging with a person that could potentially respond, even if they don’t give a shit. I struggle with openness of communication even with myself.

This has been a horrible week, personally and professionally. I have just felt down the entire week without any sign of things looking up.

What I really feel I need is to meet new people and re-evaluate my unmovable belief system. People are the most unreliable creatures.

I’m actually trying to power through an audiobook in time for a book club meeting tomorrow. So it’s hard to focus and write at the same time. They inevitably both suffer. I have 13 more hours of audio to power through. Book club meeting is tomorrow at 8PM so there are sufficient hours, but the ability to focus for that many hours is rather difficult.