Broken

Yes, I broke the blogathon. I feel terrible. I’ve had lots to blog about, too. I don’t feel like recapping. Oh well.

I’m going to be anti-social this week. I’ve got my reasons. Tralalala?

So, I want to shoot myself for likingloving 2 songs from Fall Out Boy’s new album. AHHH. I bash them so hard, and I love two songs so much. >_>; Whyywhyy?

ブリジトは ぎぜんしゃです♪。 ははは★〜

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Don’t Wake Me Up ‘Till Someone Cares

I’m still down, but there’s no point whining and complaining about it. But you just have to love jackets and hoodies to hide the bruises and scratches on my arms. Masking the truth is the best alternative. I didn’t even tell one of my best friends anything until a week later and kept one incident a secret for three weeks. I caved in and I had to tell him. *sigh* I’m breaking down.

You can’t turn off that you’re dead
You just deal with it (deal with it)
Thought I was dreaming
My heart stopped beating

Today is my brother’s birthday. He’s eleven now. :] Cutecute. I didn’t like the cake, sadly.

I feel like eating ice right now. Yeah, kinda weird. But there was a “I want to be anorexic” thing on 43things that suggested eating ice and although it’s not a goal of mine, I like ice. Reminded me of it. Lol. Yeah, I sure did join 43things today. I added more goals to my 101 in 1001.

For the record, the comments in the entry below were … not that helpful. Sorry to say, but it’s the truth. Most just reiterated what I already know. I’m very self-aware. I believe that’s why I refrain from making honest posts about what’s really bothering me. Even that post made no true reference to where the blood came from, or what I was crying about. I am self-aware. That sets me apart from some of the other emo kids. I have a reason.

I didn’t blog yesterday. What a bummer. :bummed: I did edit goals posts and etc., but I don’t think it counts. Ah well. Blogathon, I’m sorry.

Oh, hm. I watched That Thing You Do! today on Time Warner’s OnDemand. :] Nicenice. I’m purposely watching movies to get my 150 in quickly and surpass it. (:

Currently, AP Stats is kicking my butt. Last semester I had a 98% (I went from an 89.7 to 98 with an extra credit hw assignment and acing the final). (: Now, since grades started afresh I’ve no idea where I stand, but it feels not-so-good. Gah. Gahhh. Hm, I failed to mention I got a 4.0 first semester. I’m kinda bummed about that, too, ‘cus last year I had a 4.5… but I didn’t ace any other AP classes besides Stats. 🙁 Well, well. Oh well?

My brain hurts from stats homework. 🙁

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I Need To Run Far Away

Your emotions are meaningless.

As I sat on the cold marble floor of my bedroom staring at the blood-stained towel not a single sound could be heard from me apart from the sniffles and the stifled cries. I try to cry out, but I’ve trained myself a little too well. Tears pour down my cheeks. They won’t stop. Why can’t I stop crying?

I picture myself at the beach on a freezing night in the dark, alone. I scream at the top of my lungs until I collapse on the sand. I want to end my life.

All I can think is that I will be composed and cool come Tuesday, when school resumes. Three-day weekends aren’t always so fun.

Tempting is the thought of calling someone. Anyone. But my training would interfere. I’d put on a fake smile and say, “Oh hey! I’m so sorry. I called you on accident.” The smile would fade and I’d be unable to say anything more. My lips are sealed shut. I can’t admit anything, ever.

Accumulation of emotion. I can’t… hold it in anymore. I need help. But don’t offer it, because next time you ask how I’m doing, my automatic response is, “I’m fine.” Really, I am not. I’m never fine. Never take that answer from anyone. Pretend you care and next time someone says they’re fine, ask them to elaborate. There’s always a story behind it.

I’ll just fade away now. I’m burning on the inside.

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