I’m going to be anti-social this week. I’ve got my reasons. Tralalala?

So, I want to shoot myself for likingloving 2 songs from Fall Out Boy’s new album. AHHH. I bash them so hard, and I love two songs so much. >_>; Whyywhyy?

ブリジトは　ぎぜんしゃです♪。　ははは★〜

You can’t turn off that you’re dead
You just deal with it (deal with it)
Thought I was dreaming
My heart stopped beating

Today is my brother’s birthday. He’s eleven now. :] Cutecute. I didn’t like the cake, sadly.

I feel like eating ice right now. Yeah, kinda weird. But there was a “I want to be anorexic” thing on 43things that suggested eating ice and although it’s not a goal of mine, I like ice. Reminded me of it. Lol. Yeah, I sure did join 43things today. I added more goals to my 101 in 1001.

For the record, the comments in the entry below were … not that helpful. Sorry to say, but it’s the truth. Most just reiterated what I already know. I’m very self-aware. I believe that’s why I refrain from making honest posts about what’s really bothering me. Even that post made no true reference to where the blood came from, or what I was crying about. I am self-aware. That sets me apart from some of the other emo kids. I have a reason.

I didn’t blog yesterday. What a bummer. :bummed: I did edit goals posts and etc., but I don’t think it counts. Ah well. Blogathon, I’m sorry.

Oh, hm. I watched That Thing You Do! today on Time Warner’s OnDemand. :] Nicenice. I’m purposely watching movies to get my 150 in quickly and surpass it. (:

Currently, AP Stats is kicking my butt. Last semester I had a 98% (I went from an 89.7 to 98 with an extra credit hw assignment and acing the final). (: Now, since grades started afresh I’ve no idea where I stand, but it feels not-so-good. Gah. Gahhh. Hm, I failed to mention I got a 4.0 first semester. I’m kinda bummed about that, too, ‘cus last year I had a 4.5… but I didn’t ace any other AP classes besides Stats. Well, well. Oh well?

My brain hurts from stats homework.

As I sat on the cold marble floor of my bedroom staring at the blood-stained towel not a single sound could be heard from me apart from the sniffles and the stifled cries. I try to cry out, but I’ve trained myself a little too well. Tears pour down my cheeks. They won’t stop. Why can’t I stop crying?

I picture myself at the beach on a freezing night in the dark, alone. I scream at the top of my lungs until I collapse on the sand. I want to end my life.

All I can think is that I will be composed and cool come Tuesday, when school resumes. Three-day weekends aren’t always so fun.

Tempting is the thought of calling someone. Anyone. But my training would interfere. I’d put on a fake smile and say, “Oh hey! I’m so sorry. I called you on accident.” The smile would fade and I’d be unable to say anything more. My lips are sealed shut. I can’t admit anything, ever.

Accumulation of emotion. I can’t… hold it in anymore. I need help. But don’t offer it, because next time you ask how I’m doing, my automatic response is, “I’m fine.” Really, I am not. I’m never fine. Never take that answer from anyone. Pretend you care and next time someone says they’re fine, ask them to elaborate. There’s always a story behind it.

I’ll just fade away now. I’m burning on the inside.

This might be the only entry for today. I’ll see how bold I feel later. I’m not even sleepy.

If this were a hand-written note, I’d have ripped it by now.

The movie ended at 11:59pm exactly (Pulp Fiction). So yeahhh. A little lag on this post. It’s backdated a few minutes. So shoot me, I’m cheating.

“I can’t blame anyone but you,” says the lyrics in the WordPress admin control panel.

I’m waiting for 12:35am so I can watch 3DG on TV. (:

Today I had my annual optometry appointment. My vision is 99% the same, thank goodness. My eyesight was getting worse every year, until this one~! Yey for that. I got back home and my mom had to go to Auntie Elle’s house, so I stayed home with my brother and I quickly fell asleep. And yet, I’m still sleepy now. lols. But wait, I must. :]

My cell has been acting up. I got an IM from Haku that my cell sounded busy. I looked at my cell and it was fine… except apparently not receiving any calls. I keep getting this static-y picture and then it turns off. I ♥ my cell, so I feel emo.

Ah, I had a ♥ to ♥ with Lindsey today before my eye appt. But, I know inside, it didn’t help too much… we’re still both very emo girls. We can relate so well, but because of that together we’re almost disastrously distraught. *hugs my lovely Linds*

I’m seriously so tired of pretending. I talk to him just about every day, and he can’t get out of the “happy bubble” notion. It kills me. I say something like, “I’m so depressed” without any good response. Yesterday, I asked three people for help and none of them realized it. Oh well, right?

Whichever you prefer.

If you want to get out alive
Run for your life
If you want to get out alive
Hold on for

If I stay, it won’t be long
Till I’m burning on the inside
If I go I can only hope
That I make it to the other side
If I stay, it won’t be long
Till I’m burning on the inside
If I go, if I go

Burning on the inside
Burning on the inside
Burning on the inside

The concert last night was magnificent. High energy. Emotional. Wonderful. The songs describe me so so so well. Except most of them are about surviving and at this moment in time I feel as though I won’t. Even Bayside’s lyrics are a lot more positive. I’m trying, really.

Wake me up. I’m living a nightmare. I will not die. I will survive.

Anyway, I just received this email:

Hello, this is Ticketmaster Customer Service with an important notice regarding your purchase for Dir En Grey at the Wiltern on Friday, February 23, 2007 at 7:15pm. Please be advised that portions of Dir En Grey’s performance may be offensive to younger or sensitive guests. Parental discretion is advised.

Haha, from Dir en Grey, this is very much expected. I’m so excited. Like you have no idea. Of course, I won’t be able to sing along to the lyrics because I don’t know any songs from their new upcoming album and only a few lyrics from Withering To Death. Psh, it’s just going to be really entertaining to watch!! Yeahhh.

Tonight, Three Days Grace. I heard some people from school went to yesterday’s show. ^_^ Of course I’m cooler, I’m going today. Lols. I’m a little giddy and headache-y and hungry. I should go take care of it by eating some lunch.

But before I do that, I must mention that in art class we have to draw a really big letter with a pretty border and images around it. So anyway, I looked to my left and not next to me, but the seat after, there was this guy… and at the bottom of his letter was the BAYSIDE BIRD. He’s the very first person at my high-school I’ve encountered that even knows who Bayside is, let alone loves the band. Seriously!! It was miraculous. He’s going to be my new friend soon. Pwuahaha. :>

Obscure.

I’m feeling bleh. I’ll feel more “blogative” eventually. I joined another challenge. You can find it in the content section of the sidebar. I feel like I need these challenges just to motivate myself to do something. *sigh*

The life I think about
Is so much better than this
I never thought I’d be stuck in this mess
I’m sick of wondering
Is it life or death?

I need a boost of caffeine. Pwuahaha soda :> Okkk, reading time. Reading rainbow. I loved that show. I’ve said that before on a long-ago blog entry. I need to write one of those really meaningful entries sometime soon. I think if I reread Sister Carrie, I’d sooo be inspired. For now I need to finish Thousand Acres and read Act II of King Lear.

You’re wrong if you think I’ll be just like you. (I wish I could say your name.)

Tomorrow is family day!! We’re going to watch a movie and go out to eat. I can’t wait!!

Bleed The Dream is a good band. I barely heard a song just now. :] Good stuff.

My mother announced she would purchase my brother’s new computer today. He sooo doesn’t deserve it, but it’s none of my concern. I’m just upset because he wanted one more expensive than mine (the one he wanted being $1,300) and she agreed. When they left to go shopping I jumped into the shower and then called my auntie Meme, to the rescue! I certainly did not want to be around to be jealous of the computer he chose. Of course, now I don’t know what kind of compie he even got… but whatever. I’m patient – I can wait to find out.

My auntie Meme came to pick me up and we drove to her twin’s house. There, auntie Maggie fed Midori, and etc. It took an eternity to get out of the house to get all of Midori’s stuff packed. Aww, but she’s sooo cute. I couldn’t stand seeing her in the stroller so I held her for a long time. She’s already 10lbs. so she was heavy!! Hehe, but I so didn’t mind because she’s adorable.

After a long day of walking around the mall with the lovely baby, Meme and I returned to her place and sat down to watch Deal or No Deal. I looove that show!! Then she got Subway for us. :]

I must note that I love 90s music. The Pretenders. Ace of Base. Aqua. Alanis Morissette. Letters To Cleo. Save Ferris. Green Day. ♥ In the 90s we had The Power Rangers, and really good movies. Aww, I wanna re-experience the 90s.

Hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too
Well, I’m a lot like you
When you’re standing
At the crossroads, but don’t know which path to choose
Let me come along, ’cause even if you’re wrong
I’ll stand by you

Insert witty line here. I’m just so exhausted.

My mother and brother went to my uncle George’s house but I didn’t really want to go. I don’t think I would have been very entertained there. I just wasted away my night coding and coding (and talking to Ryan – which was fun).

I have nothing to say for the first time in this blogathon. I’ll admit I cried myself to sleep last night. And then I forget to care about what made me cry, today. Although I should probably care. I supress a lot of emotions; emotions are for the weak. Of course I don’t believe this when it comes to other people, but for myself. I’m empathetic so I have to be as solid as a rock. Instead I’m too far broken and my emotions are invisible stars; if you look hard enough, they’re there.

Piece by piece, and bit by bit
I’ll break this down for you, real slow -
But I can’t whisper all of this
and I can’t seem to let this go.

As honest as a photo booth. If I can’t even confide in my blog, whatwho can I confide in? So many things are bothering me. I should at least finish writing my 101 Goals in 1001 Days (in the content area of the sidebar, if you can find it). The sidebar is bothering me. I need to fix it, soon. Tomorrow.

I’ll bleed so much that you won’t believe.

Ryan wanted me to talk about how he annoys me and we talk about how “he stands erect.” Hahaha. Oh that silly boy. :] We both just mentioned we watch The Discovery Channel. It’s like a secret pleasure… only geeks watch it. Hence, we’re geeks. I love being geeky. (:

A week or two ago I watched Jennifer Aniston in a movie called Object of My Affection and now I feel like watching My Best Friend’s Wedding and 10 Things I Hate About You. I love the My Best Friend’s Wedding and 10 Things I Hate About You soundtracks. The 90s were awesome. I love 80s movies, too. Haha oh like The Breakfast Club and Weird Science were really awesome. I’m in a movie-watching mood right now.

Again, I took a nap today. What the heckkk? Well then again, Mom, brother, and I stayed up laaate last night watching the Discovery Health channel. ^_^ We were going to watch some shows today, but I opted for blogging and whatnot.

Can I be forgiven? I don’t want to be anyone’s excuse to cry…

Hah, it’s funny because “everyone” (that qualifies) gets accepted into UC Merced. So I’m not spazzing out as much, but I’m still afraid. I only regret having so much fear that I didn’t even apply to Univ. of Chicago. If I continue with my career path of psychiatrist I want to apply to Univ. of Chicago and UC San Francisco for grad school. Oh woe is me, oh woe are us, but not anymore we stand up for ourselves.

This blogathon makes me realize that things occur to me every day. Or, I think about different things every day. Life is full of endless possibilities. The 101 Goals in 1001 days inspires me. I want to be a better person. Seriously. I added a few more goals last night. I think I’m on #67. I need some do-able more immediate goals. Most of them seem long-term.

I already know what I want to do when I’m 18: get a Bayside tattoo. The tattoo will be of the very pretty Bayside bird with the words, “… and it changed my life.” below it. As of yet I don’t know where I want this tattoo, though. It can’t be a in a very noticable location because I eventually want to be a respectable adult. Haha. I’m very serious about this tattoo. Bayside has been such a big part of my life and even if one day they disband or something like that happens I won’t regret it because tattoos represent a time period of your life.

Brit. D. asked me if I’m goth. xD This is so funny to me. I can’t go from preppy A&F to goth. Really! I just wear a heck of a lot more black now. :] Hey, can you blame me? It matches my hair. Ah, but I’m still a sucker for those bright AE clothes so I’m not a complete convert. I mean, I bought a white zip-up hoodie from Hollister last week. I spent $80 there. I am my own style. And since I’m bi-polar, that varies from day to day. ;]

Bayside was on FUSE on Steve’s Untitled Rock Show today at 4pm PST. Bayside had a live stream yesterday from a store show in NJ. Bayside kicks ass. Honestly. ♥ Heh. I can’t stop promoting them especially since their new album came out yesterday.

Mom gets here at 7:45ish. We’re going to the market. Yey. I want more oranges. I’m addicted to oranges. A Clockwork Orange. I want to read that book. Hm, my thoughts are all over the place. I am BLOGATIVE. I love coming up with words; it’s my hobby.

These are my last words.

After getting home I found out there would be an online stream to watch Bayside live from a store performance they were having in New Jersey. The stream was pretty damn laggy for everyone watching. =/ After 45 minutes I gave up trying to watch and fell asleep comfortably in my warm bed. Not even dreams bothered me. I awoke to sounds of my mom speaking. Ah well. Extra sleep is wonderful. I feel like going back to sleep now, but I have to finish this entry for the Blogathon.

I want Keira Knightley’s body. Image of perfection. Yaddayadda. Oh well. Let’s go get me a personal trainer. Why? Well, that’s my excuse as to why I don’t look like that. Ninth grade I had the body I wanted/liked so I know I can do it. But, motivation is lacking. There’s always something lacking. It’s like a funhouse mirror version of myself through these fucked up lies of yours.

Getting out of school early = nice! More freetime!! Yeyey. There’s also no school this coming Monday nor the Monday after.

Oh, ew. Regular government class is scary. The teacher Mr. Kruip assumes no one knows anything about anything – and maybe they don’t. I was just a little bit peeved because I haven’t been read any classroom expectations in a few years from any teacher. I suddenly felt like I was being talked down to by a teacher, but he’s entirely nice. I’m just accustomed to having teachers speak to me as somewhat more of an equal. Ehh, at least it’ll be less demanding in the study department.

Bayside’s album The Walking Wounded came out in stores today!! I got mine in the mail~ Lovelovelove it. Now all I have to do is wait for Anberlin’s Cities to come out on the 20th!!

People tell me the weirdest things… but anyway.

You can’t trust a heart / That was cold from the start /Waste your time on it

Today marks the first day of the second semester. I don’t have a sixth period so I’ll be getting out early every day except Wednesdays. I = excited.

Last night I took it upon myself to install The Sims 2 Nightlife. Tom tests games for EA Games and he noticed that I’m a Sims-luver (: so he told me when he tested it out that he received a copy of the game. However, he does not play The Sims; therefore, he gave it to Brian, who gave it to me. I played it for a little while, a while ago. I love the new features. Haha, I know I should have gotten it sooner, but The Sims games are those sort of games that you get addicted to for 2-3 weeks at a time and then comes a 1-2 month hiatus. Ah, so anyway, I’m playing it again. I haven’t played Oblivion in a WHILE, so I might do that some time this week. Maybe.

Under content I added 101 Goals in 1001 days. I’m not finished with my list yet, but there it is. My completion date is November 2, 2009. I will be 20 years old by then. Wow… I can’t wait to start on these goals. This special list gives me a lot of motivation. I love it! You should all try to make one, too. Credit to this site.

I also joined iLike. I’ve been a member of MOG for a few weeks, but I love the idea of music sites so I had to join iLike, too. If you do make an account, and we have somewhat similar tastes in music, please add me. (: I love music, but not as much as Lindsey♥.

Alright, off I go to play some more Sims or skip around the house.

Note to self: Smile! (:

We took Midori with us!! She’s just a bit over a month old. She is really adorable. I’ll have lots of pictures soon considering I’m having a blogathon. ^_^ Posts every single day. XD It seems like a lot, ne? I got two more tanks at Old Navy. I lovelovelove their long tanks there. I need MORE and in every color. ♥

After eating dinner we went back to Auntie Maggie’s place to eat pie. Auntie Meme and I were sleepy so we went back to her place. At 11:30pm I took a shower and then we watched Goal! (with Kuno Becker). She liked it, too!! At 1:30am when the movie was over, I passed out and fell asleep until 10am. Unfortunately, because I slept in I missed a phone call. Oh well… another day. =/

I got ready for a new day. Meme, Brian, and I went to Elle’s house to get a TV she no longer wants because she got a new one, and two coffee tables. We used my mom’s truck (she bought it just so the whole family can move stuff like this) to move the stuff. Maggie and Brian got the TV and Meme got the two tables. (: It was heavy work moving the TV up the stairs. My arms were so tired. xD I changed into my “going-out” clothes and we headed towards Estuardo’s house for the Super Bowl party.

I had lots and lots of fun! Colts!! :]

As I got back home tonight I received an IM and then a phone call from E.H. Hm, it was actually pleasant. Interesting as well. I don’t know. I struggle with this friend of mine. I cannot figure out his logic.

Let’s live dangerous together♥.

It’s past 2am on Saturday morning and I cannot sleep. This isn’t a case of insomnia, but rather, a case of stupidity. Considering it was finals week, there was no school on Friday so I slept in until 10:30am. I was online for a while and then went back to sleep from 1-5pm. Now, I’m only mildly sleepy. I’ve got nothing to do and the energy to do something.

I finally updated to WordPress 2.1 (it’s been out for 11 days). One of the plugins I use wasn’t compatible so I removed it and found another one similar. So now instead of Live+Press I use some LJXP (LJ Cross-poster). I also downloaded and installed a Xanga crossposter. The last time I wrote in my xanga was in July. This plugin ought to boost the post count. :> Yey for that. I guess this post is more of a test post to make sure these plugins work.

A short time after I awoke I got a call. A displeasing call, no less. He can be such an ass. I was immediately annoyed. Well, that’s not good, is it? After a long 2 hour conversation (it seemed to go on forever because I was so upset) I ate dinner and decided to get online. Oh-so-lovely Sarah IMed me (I loathe her with every fiber of my being). She subtley blamed me for her boyfriend breaking up with her. It isn’t my fault she kissed two other guys on her birthday and it isn’t my fault everyone under the sun knows she’s a whore. Anyway, her boyfriend calls me all the time, texts me, etc. and I doubt she knew this because she asked if I had ever spoken about her to him telling him the things she’s done. Argh. Double the annoyance.

Naturally, I send him a text asking why I just got blamed. He called her and tried to straighten things out, but I don’t know if it did anything. Oh well right? It’s just another day. I sound overly dramatic; that in itself is irksome.

Cut, cut, cut, cutting myself down to pieces
Too hard on myself it would seem
That everyone could see my self-worth beneath

We take everything we know
About ourselves and put them in
A diary in a fire ring
Scrutiny below not me now
I think I’m ready to go

Oh, right. New layout. Eh, I don’t really like it. I want to make another pure CSS layout. The last layout was fun because of all the CSS customizations. You know what I haven’t heard in a while? “Wow… I love your layout.” Haha… I need to make something amazing, that even I like. It’s been a while… *sigh* Where’s the creativity?

Back, back, back, back to the crooner in question
I sure hope you all like my songs
Well maybe I put too much talk in my rhymes
And melodies so stunning brainwashing minds

(Lyrics to Bayside’s A Rite Of Passage from The Walking Wounded album. 2/6/07)

The download for FOB’s leak will be up for a few days. Download it, I don’t care.
Mirror 1 (It should work, no DL limit.)

Everything is merely an exchange of words and I’m tired of talking.