March 18 – March 28

It’s been a really long time since I’ve given a really good listen to some new music. So today I took it upon myself to listen to:

• Dance Gavin Dance
• Harvard
• Animal Collective
• Portugal. The Man
• Lovedrug
• As Tall As Lions

It’s been a great dayyyy for music. Too bad I lost my iPod in Las Vegas this weekend. It’s fine, whatever… all my music is on my computer. But I’ll need to get a new one soon. I’ll only last so long without my iPod, especially since I got a car for my birthday. Brand new beautiful car. (: K, that is all for today.

Ohne dich kann ich nicht leben. Ich vermisse dich. Ich bin verliebt. Es ist schwer zu atmen. Ist es nicht wert, es zu versuchen. Behalten Sie mich aus meinem Kopf.

I can’t get started from the part where I left off yesterday
Should have spent my time a little wiser
I sat alone
Guilty as sin
Waiting for words to come
From out of my head
Still making sense to anyone

I can’t wait to understand the reason
I’ve yet to translate any meaning
Besides, it’s not worth it to try

Get Out by circasurvive

Yesterday was a sloppy mess. I shouldn’t be this affected. My act needs to come back together. The past does not matter (though it has completely fucked me over in the present). I have to try to remember that. The future will come and it will bring about change, it has to… or life is meaningless.

My favorite band is releasing their third album on 4/20. This is just one of the songs on there. It’s addicting, and so absolutely brilliant.

Get out

Lock myself up in a room without a window
Just to see if it was any easier to breathe
I was wrong

Never underestimate the daylight
There it’s so much easier to breathe

If you allow something so unnecessary
get you down there’s no one else to blame

I need something stronger
something extra strength

I’ve millions of materials to trade
if you could offer only love
you’d be like a god to us
like a drug dealer
all sold out of trust
but you threw it all away

I used to mind that everyone I know seems to hate themselves
but I do it as well

we need something stronger
something extra strength

In an attempt to 1. procrastinate and 2. clean up my computer, I decided to re-organize my files and delete irrelevant files. From Monday to today I’ve been in a pretty bad mood. Resigned to failure (as I mentioned in my previous entry), etc. But I found a file on my computer labeled, “turningpoint.html” and naturally, I was inclined to open it. 10/15/2004:

t ea r s of ei r: I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m not feeling happy now.
Tenor player: That’s too bad something the matter?
t ea r s of ei r: Yeah … somewhat.
Tenor player: That blows, you could always blow it off or just talk about it to whoever sometimes that helps
t ea r s of ei r: I could talk about it with you but not like you’d give a shit.
t ea r s of ei r: And I don’t blow things off.
Tenor player 973: K, well if you want to talk just go right ahead
t ea r s of ei r: And you’ll listen w/o insulting me?
Tenor player: If you wish, besides I think I won’t be insulting you as much from now on
t ea r s of ei r: Why would that be, hm?
Tenor player: A question of mine has been answered with such a little sliver of doubt that I don’t doubt the answer. Anyway continue with your troubles if you are so inclined

For the longest time my AIM saved conversations (as I am frightfully forgetful, and were there for reference). After re-reading the conversation I realized that very rarely was I able to ~talk~ about anything because everyone assumes I’m normal/happy/composed. As I’ve gotten older, that’s less true. People in the real world understand that real people have real problems, they’re just not blatantly out in the open. Or maybe people still think I’m the perfect picture of togetherness, who knows.

Anyway, I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders now. I got a very uncomfortable feeling reading the conversation… for one, the problem that was bothering me then is now solved, sort of… after a gazillion years, but then there is this sad realization that from 2004 to 2010 I still can’t talk about my problems (oh I wonder why!). Yet, something about the conversation making me uncomfortable made me realize that I don’t need to share my feelings to feel better (because it makes me uncomfortable). So the solution to my current talk-phobia isn’t finding someone that cares, which is a relief, because that’s one tough to find solution. Hence, why I feel lighter, happier. Another solution must be out there.

Somehow, I doubt any of this makes sense. It almost seems counter-productive to regress into a shell. But I don’t think that’s what has happened here today.

Happiness is boring. Depression is catastrophic.