For too many people, being happy at home is pretty much an abstract idea, something they can’t know or imagine, until it appears on some taste maker’s must-have list, or in a magazine, or reposted on Tumblr. A home sweet home is not curated or produced by acquiring a perfect arrangement of chairs, lamps and friends. A real living space is made from living, not decorating. A bored materialist can’t understand that a house has to become a home. It happens, not through perfection but by participation.

Andy & Elsa Beach
Apartamento issue #07

I wonder when the day will come when I actually start living.

Everything I wish for feels impossibly impossible. Or I’m just not courageous enough to do anything and instead I’m just paralyzed, unmoving.

Things I wish for:

• To move to Europe
• Get a new job – one I feel passionate about
• Quit my job and travel
• Go back to school
• Create art

Alone these things do not seem so hard. But, they are, to me. I feel like I need some form of reassurance that should I proceed things will turn out OK. I only have adults in my life that would say just how unreasonable my wishes are or take me lightly and tell me to just do something about it already. That makes me really sad to be honest. I mean, I never had any push from anyone to go to college and I finished that. But now that I’m out of college I just feel like the whole world has killed my dreams. And by that I don’t mean to say the world has actively gone out of its way to demolish my aspirations, but rather that the whole world seems a whole lot more… oppressive than I thought.

Why can’t I reach a content state of living? The point where I’m making sufficient amounts of money to buy not just the things I need, but all the things I want, too. To not have to worry about certain things because I’m living securely. Etc. etc.  etc.

I mainly feel so isolated. Like I just don’t belong anywhere. So I stay unmoving within the confines of my four walls where I know I am unhappy but relatively OK.

I just don’t know if it’s worth it going back to school. As much as I loved learning I just don’t want to feel that pressure anymore of deadlines, staying up late, writing because something is due.

But yes, the “real” thing bothering me is always the same. Always. There’s nothing I can do. Just wait. Wait and forget.

Tu llegaste justo cuando menos te esperaba
Y te fuiste sin decirme ni siquiera adios
Me di cuenta que sin ti no podria ser yo nadie
Si me faltas tu mi amor para que vivir

Que te pasa corazon
Que cosas tiene el amor
Yo no quise enamorarme
Sorpresivamente asi
Ahora debes perdonarme
Por mi amor que eres tu

Bendigo la hora en que te conoci
Maldigo el momento en que te vi partir

I’m so tired of wasting time consuming memories by experiencing the happiness of focusing on memories instead of focusing on the happiness of experiencing. (Yes… I watched Daniel Kahneman: The riddle of experience vs. memory on TED.com)

I miss philosophy lectures. I miss my favorite professors. I miss thinking about obscure non-factual subject material. I miss you most of all.

Ugh.

Haven’t seen most of my friends in about 3 weeks. And strangely I don’t mind. I’ve been really quite focused on work. Yeah, that place that brings me misery during the day, but gives my life some kind of … meaning or something. How pathetic. But I guess when you get calls waking you up at 3am and text messages at 9pm that are all work-related … you don’t really have a choice but to make work the most meaningful thing in your life. I feel so resigned that I don’t even mind to a certain extent.

But it also makes life feel quite boring.

And that is the most sad thing of all. Life isn’t boring. At least I hope not.

I’m going to a Nightwish concert tomorrow night just for the hell of it. I haven’t seen them in a while. I haven’t even heard any new material from them in a very long time (since the last time I saw Nightwish in concert). And for the “new” singer to sing the songs the original singer created feels like a betrayal. OG > “New” Singer.

Once again I’ve been focusing on the interior design of my apartment. I really quite love the way I moved everything. Now it’s just about perfect. And fuck… I wonder why I’m vitamin-D deficient. I go to work before there’s any sun, and drive in the sunlight for 20 minutes when I get off work and… then seclude myself in my apartment the rest of the evening. Never thought I’d have to literally go tanning or something… just to get a dose of sunlight. I’m even driving with my sunroof opened so my skin can absorb some goddamn vitamins.

At this point my blog entries can all just end in a resounding SIGH.

I’m romanticizing doctor’s appointments.

Currently: my white blood cell count is too high, my red blood cells are “falling” at a too-fast rate, and I’m Vitamin-D deficient by a landslide. It’s interesting to know that each and every one of these tests mention immune system and inflammation problems. My results speak for what’s going on with my body physically and outwardly. There’s this substantial proof that physically something is wrong with me. I’m not just making it up, but I am honestly having some kind of reaction.

Additionally I need to get an ultrasound, my testosterone levels are above normal, and I’m now taking Meloxicam for rheumatoid arthritis (if in case that’s what’s going on with me right now).  I also discovered I’m allergic to dust mites and shrimp, of all things. Luckily I don’t favor seafood so I have not eaten shrimp in years.

Ugh, my joints are itchy and swelling up right now. It didn’t happen at all in the morning yesterday for the first time. This morning the joint swelling was minimal and now it’s back albeit much calmer than previous times. Currently I’m obsessing over my lab results. When I went to see my primary physician we ran labs that required 9 tubes of blood and when I saw the rheumatologist the labs required 10 tubes of blood. We’re moving up the ladder here…

I see an allergist on Monday with a 3rd doctor just so we can explore all options. And then following that I get an ultra sound. Splendid.

Mean time I’m sort of stressed over taxes. And applying a steroidal cream for the itchiness. Life is currently at a standstill. I just want to figure this thing out and move on. But ever-so-not-secretly … I know I want to get diagnosed with something. Difficult to explain. But let’s fix this, come on already. :\

Wgile I have been spending time with friends I am perfectly content just coming home to my apartment. I’ve been pretty tired lately and dealing with some weird bodily reaction. Red itchy hands, knuckles, knees, etc. I have an appt with the rheumatologist on Tuesday. Rheumatoid arthritis matches my symptoms though they don’t mention itchiness… And that’s one of my major symptoms. Ugh I’m worried but at the same time just want to figure out what the heck is wrong with my body right now and get it taken care of already.

This year I feel strictly committed to not letting work take up so much of my time. This is a job I have 0 invested in, there’s no need to put in more than 100% of my energy like this last year

Anyway… Sigh sigh sigh. I’m going to sleep (instead of trying to read). I work tomorrow.

I kind of wish I knew how to express my current state of mind… Malcontent?

Click? No. We do not click.

You know we don’t have one thing in common. We don’t click in any way. We don’t have chemistry or banter or common interests. You’re a yoga instructor, you get colonics, you don’t appreciate the chaos and absurdity of life on this planet and in this city, you don’t understand irony or eccentricity or poetry or the simple joy of being a regular at your diner on your block – I love that. You don’t drink coffee or alcohol, you don’t overeat or cry when you’re alone, you don’t understand sarcasm, you plod through life in a neat, colourless caffeine free dairy free conflict free banal self-possessed way. I’m bold and angry and tortured and tremendous and I notice when somebody has changed their hair parting or when somebody is wearing two distinctly different shades of black or when someone changes the natural timbre of their voice on the phone. I don’t give out empty praise, I’m not complacent or well-adjusted. I can’t spend 50 minutes breathing and stretching and getting in touch with myself, I can’t even spend three minutes finishing an article. I check my phone machine nine times a day because I feel there’s so much to do and fix and change in the world and I wonder every day if I’m making a difference and if I will ever express greatness or if I will remain forever paralysed by muddled madness inside my head. I’ve wept on every birthday I ever had because life is huge and fleeting and I hate certain people and certain shoes and I feel that life is terribly unfair and sometimes beautiful and wonderful and extraordinary and also numbing and horrifying and insurmountable and I hate myself a lot of the time but the rest of the time I adore myself. I adore my life in this city, in this world that we live in, in this huge and wondrous bewildering brilliant horrible world.

(Pause)
In these ways I feel that we do not click.

 – Kissing Jessica Stein

Truth be told, I could just BOLD most of that quote, it’s so great, so applicable. And I love that movie.

Lately I have found myself saying, “I wish I were ____” a lot.

I’ve past the point of acceptance. I am me, there’s no denying that. I am fine with the way I am. But many times, I just want more. More… more of something definite.

So if I could be a few clearly defined things I would like to be…

A woman that bakes exceptionally well and decorates her home beautifully.

A friend that always has wine, cheese, and crackers for whenever you want to come over.

A person that always has friends come over.

A homeowner.

A DIY kind of girl.

A much more creative, talented version of myself.

A woman that talks sweetly, calling friends and acquaintances “sweetie” and “love.”

A woman that makes everyone feel special.

It’s official. I think I’ve painted a photo filled with thoughts and dreams and aspirations akin to a country housewife… Honestly not my intention. But I want to be THAT girl. The one that has it all, that looks and dresses perfectly, is always prepared, has things to do with her time. Instead I’m this urban American that drives a luxury car to and from work, lives by the beach (but never goes), and I sit around watching grand ol’ American TV and microwave dinners when I get home.

I am so bored with my life.

I just want to host dinners, have pleasant and enlightening conversations over coffee and cigarettes, be social.

Too many aspirations. Too many changes. Not enough time, money, or the energy.

These days I completely don’t mind doing anything alone. If I want to go to a movie, I’ll go. If I want to see a play, I’ll go. There is no sense of requirement that someone must tag along. And while doing this provides me temporary entertainment I am not painting myself as anything definite, perhaps in part because none of this is anything anyone witnesses. I am not anything to anyone. I feel like a bunch of scattered blocks.

I don’t know if this is the preemptive feelings of unrest before a big internal and emotional change. I just know that I am not satisfied with my life. But each passing day I do nothing. My life is a gigantic waste of time and there is nothing productive coming from me. I am not working towards any goal. Nothing bigger and better will come from my diseased lifestyle.

Many days I just feel so numb, so drugged… and no outlet to rid myself of the toxins.

This is not who I am. But I am also not working towards who I want to be. And so, this perpetual state of limbo stirs me into restlessness. Worried.

Things are sweeter when they’re lost. I know–because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand.

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and Damned

Some days I just get this feeling that you’re around the corner, on the next street, at a different time, never crossing paths.

Other days I just get this feeling that you don’t even exist for me.

I love when things happen. Travel happened. Experiences. Memories. Friends. Fun. Tears. Emotional breakdowns (not necessarily mine, lol…).

From then to now it feels like a whole other world has been set before me and I hardly recognize the world from the previous moment in time mentioned in the post prior to this one.

My state of mind feels so different. My mood altered. My person changed.

This is exactly the kind of thing I needed in my life. A little bit of change. Breathing different air, experiencing something far different from the daily mundane. Even the mundane feels that much more bearable because of the break in repetition.

There’s far too much I want to say and write. I just want to write and write and write. But sometimes that takes too much focused effort. So I compromise by spending more time thinking now without getting down in writing all my thoughts.

OK, this post is rather pointless but too much time elapsed between that post and now. Just wanted to share: my vacation was amazing and I’m OK being back at work. But if I had the chance I would move to Berlin. It’s a city I have learned to love despite the freezing cold temperatures. (:

“When shall we meet again? When will the earthy taste of your lips come again to brush the anxiety of my mind? Will all our sensations remain forever intellectual, and will not our dreams succeed in igniting one soul whose feeling will help us to die? What is this death in which we are forever alone, in which love does not show us the way?”

– Antonin Artaud, Art and Death.

Last night I dreamt that someone near and dear to me was the devil. My life was shrouded in long narrow hallways of pure darkness. The details escape me but I remember feeling afraid, and breaking free involved solving some kind of puzzle or riddle. Maybe I’ve been playing too much Skyrim…

It scares me how quickly one full year flew by. This year felt infinitely more inconsequential and uneventful (than the year before it), and it strikes me as odd that this year just passed me by. What I always compare is working at Sephora for a year and working at Consolidated for a year (this year). Working at the former felt like a significantly long period of time whereas my current job just felt like an insignificant tiny sliver of time. I just don’t want year after year to pass me by…

I feel like in this very moment I should be doing something with my life, making the best use of my time. This is the time. I’m in my early 20s, the time when I have the most energy, the most optimistic view, and I have my youth. But instead I feel like already I succumbed to a static existence. Progression and growth has ceased.

My last year of college was monumental. There were moments of literal enlightenment. Moments in which I sensed emotional growth in physical time as it happened.

Those moments have not happened in a year. Nothing monumental happens in my life anymore. Every day practically feels the same. Work, home, maybe go somewhere. I’m now living in a life where there is no discussion. Before there were things to get excited about, things to talk about, pressing issues I felt passionate about. Now there is a world full of people I feel don’t care anymore.

There’s so much anger in me. Breathing doesn’t do much to ease the tension clinging so hard to my shoulders, my neck, my head. And I can feel the anger hovering over me, pressing against me, weighing me down.

Everything makes me angry.

There’s a lack of control in most of the situations in my life. And it’s not that I need control, but would like just a little bit more than what I have. I think it’s that I’m naturally outspoken about my beliefs, about my opinions… and at work I have to remain quiet. I cannot speak my mind, I cannot address what is bothering me. I always just BLURT OUT (thoughtfully) what I need to say. There’s usually no need for restraint in my thought process. But at work I’m shackled to silence.

And situations cannot mend if there is an unawareness of the problem. So nothing changes. Nothing gets better. There’s this awful build up of anger within me, over me, permeating my skin, and radiating from me onto everyone. And I am not pleasant this way. And nothing gets better.

I am so sick of being angry. But I cannot simply relinquish all that bothers me. Instead I need for it to be fixed. And I have no control over this. No say in anything.

All the little things that should not phase me, phase me. And burn me out. By the end of the day I just feel so weighed down by everything that bothers me all day long…

Several times throughout the day my head feels heavy and light all at once. It’s like dizziness. It’s hard to focus. And I feel there are so many things going on in my mind. And I can’t focus on any one thing. And this causes mind confusion. And in those moments it’s hard to hear, hard to listen, hard to do anything. And then I take a deep breath and become very acutely aware of the dizziness.

I am angry.

But this just isn’t me. I’m always the first one to forgive and forget. Most especially forget. Usually it doesn’t matter. Because no matter what you say or do I don’t give in, and I don’t give up. Except there’s a conflict here. This relates to the previous post. I’m used to things going my way. But when things don’t go my way, that’s unacceptable, things have to get better. So it’s this constant tugging back and forth between not getting my way and not giving in. But I have no control over either. Neither will change. And I need change, crave change, must have change.

Everything about me just conflicts with itself in this never-ending circle of mass confusion. It’s like the Pisces sign. One fish goes one way, the other fish goes the opposite way. There is no meeting in between but consistently going in two directions in one ever-cycling, ever-changing circle. The two fish repel one another and yet co-exist in that circle. One side is upright and logical, and the other is backwards/upside down and emotional/non-sensical.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

So that got me thinking. The gears in my brain kinda started to roll and I backtracked to several things that I have wanted throughout the years. And I realize that I am unable to process a “No” response. There is no such thing as “no” to me. I process that response as “not yet” or that perhaps I have not yet convinced a “yes” response. When I was a kid this led to so many temper tantrums. There’s a really strong will in me to pursue anything and everything that I want. Is this selfish? Maybe. Is this self-destructive? It can be. Is this hurtful to others? It has been in the past.

I was unrelenting in my pursuit of E.L. for quite a while. And not only did I get E.L., once I had it, I no longer wanted it. It’s the novelty of the  pursuit. Convincing you that what I want is what you want. Even if it’s not.

This unrelenting will to pursue can be positive, I will admit to that. In a sense, there’s this sort of guarantee that no matter what things will turn out OK, that in some shape or form the tide will turn in my favor – it just takes time. And no amount of rejection or negative response will keep me from pursuing my end goal. It also takes me a very long time to process rejection. It’s almost like my brain functions on fairy land, a world where reality does not matter, only the reality that I want to exist exists.

I still have fear just like everyone else. I fear not getting the job, I fear hearing that dreaded “no” and I fear hearing “I don’t want you.” I’m just like everyone else in this regard. But maybe I can assuage my fears in knowing that I always get what I want. In some manner or another, things turn out OK.

And I know how amazingly spoiled and bratty I sound. But is it really so wrong to stop at nothing to get what you want? Is it really so wrong to chase hard after what may possibly bring you joy (even if in the end it does not)?

I cannot accept defeat. Except just this once I think I have lost.

But always there remains this glimmer of hope in my heart and I just cannot seem to let go.

Yes, I sound like a horrible person. But this blog needs to be about honesty. If it means highlighting my worst points, so be it.

There are a few obvious things: my job is nowhere near my dream profession, I have a lot of bills to pay, my job is just barely sufficient to cover my expensive cost of living.

I feel like it’s this sort of “all or nothing” situation I am dealing with.

In order to find the dream job I feel like I have to let go of my apartment, let go of my financial “stability” and let go of my current lifestyle. It seems like a lot of sacrifice is required to achieve what I feel is going to make me happy. Unhappiness as a means to attaining happiness? Something strikes me as odd.

There’s a lot of inner turmoil within me these days.

At some point I have to just give in and succumb to the idea that this is my job. Or… give in and relinquish everything I have to find something new.

As much as I want to live in another country, move somewhere better, find a job I love… I just feel so.. STUCK.

Change is just in my nature.

But uncertainty is just not in my cards. I think commitment came way too fast for me. Rent, car insurance, student loan debt, etc. Just thinking about all my financial commitments stresses me out. There is ZERO room for adventure, for change. As much as I want to look for another job, I cannot for a month be without one. And I feel like my opportunity to travel is just so limited.

I was hired for my first full-time job a week after I graduated college and started 2-3 weeks after that.

Right now my big wish is to be a care-free adult in my early 20s.

And I KNOW something has to change. And I know it has to change eventually. But these are big decisions. And I hate that feeling of wasting time. One more year in my apartment is one more year I am without a patio, one more year I am parking on the street. One more year at my job is one more year I am doing something I don’t feel passionate about, one more year of doing the same tasks day in, day out. It’s just a matter of when I’m going to take action and just DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

That’s usually how I work, though. Spontaneous acts of change.

What sucks is that I know some things need to settle down before any and/or all of these changes occur. And that is seriously holding me back.

So tired of restlessness.

I love knowing street names of places I visited yesterday.

I love sunny days that put me in a better mood.

I love music that makes me dance.

I love my apartment.

I love Long Beach.

I love my BMW.

I love days that feel this amazing.

I love getting off work exactly at 2pm.

I love that feeling of extreme happiness you feel you could burst.

I love that feeling of extreme happiness you can’t even speak.

I love driving at a consistent speed of 80 mph on the 710 fwy.

If only every day felt this way, and for no particular reason.

American Horror Story – Let’s start off by saying that this is the first horror genre series I’ve ever seen. Is it scary? Oh yeah. So much so I have to wait until the next day (daylightttt) to watch it! Also let’s not forget Vivien wears Theyskens’ Theory, Violet reads Camus, and a song they keep playing on the show is Mirah’s “Special Death.” Just the coolness of this show alone makes it worth watching, but it’s also legitimately scary. OH! Most important of all: the characters are NOT stupid. They will not answer the door to strangers, they immediately call the police, and they definitely question suspicious things. Brilliant.

The New Girl – Eh. Zooey Deschanel’s character is impossibly annoying. Her male co-stars make this show bearable. But this show has been put on hold I believe, due to baseball season.

Pan Am – Oh the fashion! The travel! And one of the characters is working as a spy of sorts. I cannot explain it, but this show is great. It’s worth watching! This is like the new Mad Men but instead of staying primarily in an office we get to travel all over the world.

Dexter – I never really got into this show. And I’m not really into it now either. It’s interesting but it’s not all that great. Every episode follows pretty much the same guideline and I know just what to expect. Never having seen the other seasons, I was able to pick this up fairly easily with just a smidgen of background knowledge I had heard from here and there. I cannot possibly imagine anyone watching so many seasons of this show.

Homeland – Oh yeaaah. Carrie Mathison, CIA ops officer is bipolar which adds some interest to the show. She’s constantly frantic but she sees things a little bit differently, and has such dedication to her counter-terrorism assignment. This show feels so modern and relevant in today’s world. It’s exciting and there’s a lot coming, I can just tell. Homeland is quickly becoming one of my fave shows this season.

Terra Nova – Sux. The grafix are so 2000 or something. The plotline so far is just mediocre… and I haven’t even watched the last episode… I sort of don’t want to, either.

90210 – FAVE. This has been my favorite show for a few years now! It just gets better and better. <3 <3 <3 No words needed.

Revenge – I had not heard of this show until someone in my family mentioned it. I looked it up andddd because it’s loosely based on The Count of Monte Cristo this became something worth watching. Emily shows such dedication to ruining the lives of everyone that put her father in prison it’s a little scary, a little bad, and a whole lotta good. Every week I get excited to see what Emily pulls out from her hat of tricks to ruin someone.

Ringer – The fact that Sarah Michelle Gellar is the main star here is not what attracted me to this show. But her acting is great in this show. And once again, there’s a lot of sneaky messed up stuff going on. Sarah plays two characters – twins Bridget and Siobhan. I love learning about each individual character, I love watching shows with twins, and I’m not so secretly rooting for Bridget (the twin trying to turn her life around).

2 Broke Girls – The worst thing about this show is that it’s only 30 minutes, with a ton of commercials thrown in, so like 20 minutes. This show is unexpectedly funny, modern, and relevant. Two girls are both broke, living together, and trying to save enough money to start their own business. The actresses are perfect.

Let’s see… what else? I watched the pilot of Enlightened some days ago and the 2nd or 3rd ep of the second season of How to make it in America. I’ll have to reserve judgment until I watch a few more episodes. Also the new Law & Order: SVU this season sees the departure of Elliot, Olivia’s long-time partner in crime fighting. :\ I have the episodes recorded, but I only saw the first ep of this new season. Olivia seems wildly out of character but maybe for good reason given her partner is gone. Making current plans to backtrack and catch up on Boardwalk Empire because the 1920s are just so damn fashionable. The only reason I never watched the first season was because I did not know what the show was about and just really never bothered to look it up!

Women in the Middle East are Haute Couture’s biggest market, says this Reuters story. “I had the opportunity to see a wedding that was recently held here in Dubai. 4,000 women were invited to the reception and everybody in the room was wearing haute couture,” Simon Lock, creative director for Dubai Fashion Week, told the news service. “And there are lots and lots of weddings to attend. The wedding season is very expensive here. I have known of many occasions when a couturier will be invited to a private home for a showing. The hostess will buy maybe 20, 30 couture outfits for a season.” [Reuters]

LONDON | NEW DELHI: India, the world’s second most-populous country, has more wealthy households than most European countries, including Germany and France.

The country, with 3 million affluent households, is fast emerging as a serious centre of affluence along with China, says the largest ever global affluence study by research firm TNS. “India and China have already surpassed major European markets like Germany and France.

It’s interesting to see that the entrepreneurial spirit of people in these markets is already paying off in terms of personal wealth,” TNS Director, Business and Finance, Reg Van Steen said.

TNS’s Global Affluent Investor study—which interviewed 12,000 people across 24 markets including China, Brazil and India—defines affluent households as those with more than $100,000 (around Rs 50 lakh) surplus to invest. Also, the rich is getting richer.

India is among the top five countries where the affluent have more than $1 million to invest on average, alongside the UAE, Singapore, Hong Kong and Sweden.

I think the United States is no longer “the place to be” or the place “to make your millions.” There’s just no amazing case of super successful entrepreneurship. The money is flowing out of the United States and into the hands of all those countries that in my youth were pretty much unsuccessful.

I simultaneously want more and want less all at once. I want the perfect staple wardrobe with just curated favorites in my closet, but to achieve that I need more more more.

How exhausting is that?

Excess bothers me.

I have two bookshelves already in my living room and still not all of my books are out. They are still packed in boxes since March… unacceptable! And the amount of makeup I have in all those drawers… I just want to give it all away or mass sell it as one big lot of makeup.

Nothing brings me more joy than knowing I will finally finish my FIRST full bottle of foundation… Silly, right? I just can’t wait for products to finish so I can use all the crap I’ve accumulated.

Currently I’m heavily into interior design. Recent acquisitions include two vintage looking frames (one which now houses my diploma – finally took it out of the envelope it was mailed to me in), several plants, a small bedside table lamp, and in-transit are some statues! It’s easier to focus on accent decor because they add big impact with very little monetary commitment!

The holidays are just around the corner… which means holiday decorating!! I can’t wait until it’s cold enough for me to wear layer upon layer of clothes~! Chic scarves, beanies, jackets, long sleeves, and a perfectly good excuse for hot chocolate in the middle of the day. Cooomeee on rain!

I am happy there are things happening in Long Beach all the time! This prevents me from massive boredom. Just today there was art walk (still in progress, I guess) and now I crossed the street and there are some plays being performed at a very local, very low key theatre called Alive Theatre. So I bought a ticket, came back to my apt to grab a jacket and I am headed back there now.

My one wish for my apartment: an outdoor patio of some sort! My location is perfect, my apartment is perfect. I love everything about the place in which I live except for the one missing factor: that fresh air and spending time outdoors just lounging reading a book. It’s not quite the same spending time lounging inside as it is outside.

Next morning.

I truly love where I live. Most everything is within walking distance (which I love) which gives me that perfect excuse to go outside and get some sun, breathe in that cool breeze.

But. And there’s always a but these days… It’s so so so hard to focus on the wonderful minutiae of my days when the bigger grander story of my life is completely a mess. Nothing is going according to my nonexistent plan. Subconsciously I suppose even without plans I have expectations and needs. Constant talk of needs. Needs, because I have everything I want - just nothing that I need.

For example, I walked to breakfast this morning half a mile away to this supposed amazing donut place in Long Beach. Yes, the donut was great and the coffee was the best. And I got some reading done (an impossibility once I’m indoors). And I got to see some really interesting local places. But in the end I was walking alone, without even a hint of conversation. While I ate my sickeningly delicious maple cinnamon bun the two people behind me started talking about so many interesting things and I wanted pretty badly to join in or talk to someone, yet there was nothing but an empty chair in front of me.

Trying to figure out what’s missing is easy. Filling that void is not.

Of course I can do everything alone. That’s not the point I’m trying to bring across. That’s not in question. I can entertain myself, find things to do, places to go, new wonderful activities to fill my time. But at the end of the day, none of it is worth sharing because you just wouldn’t know what I meant because the experience was mine and mine alone.

Trying to explain Soundwalk and mimicking my excitement from that night is so hard. Going over the story of the 4 plays from last night is also pointless because no one is interested.

Everything’s great. Except nothing is as it needs to be in my life.

I can pretend like getting a job in PR would significantly improve the quality of my life. But that’s only a part of the bigger picture. And in a small way, in my mind, everything was just going to fall into place once I graduated college. That happened 10 months ago and while I have come such a long way, why is it not enough? I can feel myself getting older with each passing month. And I’m just not THERE yet. At that happy place. The place where all of life is perfect.

All the small things are beautiful, but they’re set in the most horrible backdrop.

Human life must be some kind of mistake. The truth of this will be sufficiently obvious if we only remember that man is a compound of needs and necessities hard to satisfy; and that even when they are satisfied, all he obtains is a state of painlessness, where nothing remains to him but abandonment to boredom. This is direct proof that existence has no real value in itself; for what is boredom but the feeling of the emptiness of life? If life—the craving for which is the very essence of our being—were possessed of any positive intrinsic value, there would be no such thing as boredom at all: mere existence would satisfy us in itself, and we should want for nothing. But as it is, we take no delight in existence except when we are struggling for something; and then distance and difficulties to be overcome make our goal look as though it would satisfy us—an illusion which vanishes when we reach it; or else when we are occupied with some purely intellectual interest—when in reality we have stepped forth from life to look upon it from the outside, much after the manner of spectators at a play. And even sensual pleasure itself means nothing but a struggle and aspiration, ceasing the moment its aim is attained. Whenever we are not occupied in one of these ways, but cast upon existence itself, its vain and worthless nature is brought home to us; and this is what we mean by boredom. The hankering after what is strange and uncommon—an innate and ineradicable tendency of human nature—shows how glad we are at any interruption of that natural course of affairs which is so very tedious.

That this most perfect manifestation of the will to live, the human organism, with the cunning and complex working of its machinery, must fall to dust and yield up itself and all its strivings to extinction—this is the naïve way in which Nature, who is always so true and sincere in what she says, proclaims the whole struggle of this will as in its very essence barren and unprofitable. Were it of any value in itself, anything unconditioned and absolute, it could not thus end in mere nothing.

If we turn from contemplating the world as a whole, and, in particular, the generations of men as they live their little hour of mock-existence and then are swept away in rapid succession; if we turn from this, and look at life in its small details, as presented, say, in a comedy, how ridiculous it all seems! It is like a drop of water seen through a microscope, a single drop teeming with infusoria; or a speck of cheese full of mites invisible to the naked eye. How we laugh as they bustle about so eagerly, and struggle with one another in so tiny a space! And whether here, or in the little span of human life, this terrible activity produces a comic effect.

It is only in the microscope that our life looks so big. It is an indivisible point, drawn out and magnified by the powerful lenses of Time and Space.

On the Vanity of Existence by Arthur Schopenhauer, translated by Thomas Bailey Saunders.