Heart-Strutter.org

Just finished listening to the new Saves The Day album, “Daybreak.”

I was depressed before… and nothing changed in the last 40 minutes. It is so so so tempting to listen to uplifting music. But at the same time all music is kinda putting me in a sad mood. So let me not taint upbeat music with this crappy mood.

Living alone is hard. I’m here for 5-6 waking hours every day. The rest of the time I’m asleep while here. But even the few hours is torture and a half. I’m talking like I drove behind a slow car to get home that’s how much I’m avoiding coming here. There’s nothing wrong with my place. In fact I love my apartment. I love the area I live in. I just can’t stand the ALONE part. There is no one to talk to these days.

The people I work with range from mid-30s to 60s. There is nothing to talk about with them… we have nothing in common. So it sustains me… but only just barely. Just barely. And as I’m driving home I feel myself dreading coming home to the emptiness. I just want to… share how my day went. Or chit chat. You know, HUMAN COMMUNICATION. I’m not asking for very much.

Can we just laugh about the commercial on TV that makes little to no sense?

But even that is a luxury.

Loneliness wears people down.

Never thought I would be saying this, but I miss college. There were people my age everywhere. I mean, we were the majority. Real life is full of people younger and older than me. I never can seem to find people my age.

What kills me is that I was there for you when you felt like there was no one for you. Now that I feel like this where are you? Where are you now?

Music of the day: Saves the Day’s “Daybreak,” Thrice’s “Major/Minor,” and Anthony Green live recordings.

Just finished listening to the new Saves The Day album, “Daybreak.” I was depressed before… and nothing changed in the last 40 minutes. It is so so so tempting to...

There are some new needs in my life to maintain my happiness.

For starters, there is a serious lack of conversation in my life on the things that matter to me, the things I enjoy. These days I enjoy obscure, or foreign films that fall into very specific categories and elicit very specific emotions out of me. I enjoy listening to music far more indie than ever before… again, obscure. And I also enjoy fashion and beauty. I’m no longer in that “makeup community” – considering I no longer work at Sephora, no longer have time to do my makeup every day to the extent that I used to. But… it still interests me. And FASHION. Watching the fashion shows live on my computer monitor is as close as I’m going to get… but there is no one to converse with about it.

Imagine having great news that you just want to share… and no one is interested. That is sort of how it is. I think most of the people I know see fashion as … going to the nearest store and picking clothes that fits/is cost effective/looks pretty.

My ideas on these things are just so very different.

I cannot have conversations with myself. That’s pathetic.

Twitter is currently sustaining my life force. It’s like being involved in the hustle and bustle of what is going on in New York right now: Fashion Week. I need consistent and constant conversation, the feeling that there are things going on all around. Instead I’m here at my desk, at work, where things do not interest me. And there is no one to share my excitement with about what I thought of the fashion shows from this morning.

I mean it’s not just fashion. I watch a film, and thazzit. No one gives a damn because they’ve never seen it, don’t want to see it, or just never will.

When I say things like, “my friends aren’t into x, y, z” I start to realize I don’t even have all that many friends to approach about my interests anyway.

When did it become so hard to find someone with which I have something in common? How did I get the friends I have now? What pulled us together? And why can’t I gravitate towards people that are into the same things I am into? Why is that so difficult?

I love my friends, I would never give them up. But at some point I have to wonder, when am I going to be able to share my interests with someone? And the only reason I need consistent and constant conversation is because I’ve been so starved of it for so long now.

Shit, I graduated in December and since then… hardly any of my friends are/were around because I graduated early. So I had my family for all of these months but I mean come on… family is amazing to hang out with, spend time with, etc. but I cannot talk to them in quite the same way as I do friends.

So, I’m suffering. Yes, I’m getting my daily minimum of human interaction (at work) so I think that keeps me from falling into massive depression. But I get home and I fill up my time with the most mind-numbing bullshit. Anything to fill the void, anything to pass the time, anything to avoid feeling the very slow passing of time. Smoking helps.

All of this sounds so … sad. Not even depressing. Just sad.

So what am I going to do about it? Shit, I mean, what is there to do?

There are some new needs in my life to maintain my happiness. For starters, there is a serious lack of conversation in my life on the things that matter to...

I just feel so hurt.

I never meant to cause you pain
My burden is the weight of a feather
I never meant to lead you on
I only meant to please me, however

When will I get over this? I’ve reached new and exciting stages of my life and I should appreciate them instead of dwelling.

“and in the middle of most nights when I can’t sleep, I still replay you.”

I’m torturing myself. I see that now. And I can smack my forehead all I like, sigh in extreme exasperation, walk around my apartment… none of it will do me any good. What KILLS me is that none of it was a figment of my imagination. There are countless words and instances… FUCK. Even screaming into my pillow does nothing.

Letting go of the best thing in your life and never getting it back… now that’s painful.

Can a heart break over and over again with every line I read?

I can’t live my life like this. I can’t live life, period, until I get over this. I can’t live my daily life doing this, either. But it’s even better than playing back a memory. It is the memory in itself encapsulated.

I just feel so hurt. I never meant to cause you pain My burden is the weight of a feather I never meant to lead you on I only meant...

Experiment.

I spent my Thursday in Los Angeles, downtown and La Brea. You know, to see how I would feel living nearby.

The vibe is definitely infinitely different. Some car nearly hit me as I was exiting the freeway because they changed their mind about exiting the freeway instead of sucking it up and getting off and then back on the freeway. That was off-putting. The traffic sucked, too, as did all the street lights and the endless stream of pedestrians. Once I reached The Grove and the surrounding area things got better, though. I spotted a celebrity (Analeigh Tipton), got to experience two Alexander Wang bags in one room (one mine, one belonging to someone nearby), and experienced some good fashion. People were wearing heels! How revolutionary.

LA has everything. It meets my fashion expectations.

But taking the very very very long scenic route through downtown was pretty intense. Pretty, but intense.

Everything felt so impacted and it was weird seeing a really great place to eat right beside a cheap store. It confused my senses.

OK that’s not to say I live out in the middle of nowhere… but when testing the waters to see if LA proper was for me, I just was not feeling it in quite the same way as when I know I’m just hanging out there.

By the end of the evening, I was so glad to be getting onto my very familiar freeway (where going 75-80 mph is the norm due to minimal traffic) and coming HOME to brand new palm trees in front of my apartment, the comfort of knowing the ocean is a mere walk away, etc. Missing LBC never felt so good.

Experiment. I spent my Thursday in Los Angeles, downtown and La Brea. You know, to see how I would feel living nearby. The vibe is definitely infinitely different. Some car...