Heart-Strutter.org » NaBloPoMo

What’s Wrong Now?

Brigitte — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 09:30:54 +0000

Ok. I might sound really apathetic typing this, but all of this hurts. A lot. Better to write it than leave it left unsaid. Though, I really would prefer to write this in my real journal (but then my hand would hurt…) /end stall

On Monday, my mother got into a car accident. Her car is completely crashed and not usable anymore. This whole weekend my mother insulted me saying I’m disgusting, and that there is no hope for us to ever love each other. She says she’s not my mother and I’m not her daughter. She says in a sarcastic way that she hopes I make something of myself, like she expects me not to. Car accident = Karma perhaps? Also, I’m still dealing with Sharon’s lies… but I have not heard a word from LaDonte King yet. I did not fucking punch her, but she’s accusing me and she filed a report with the campus police. Dude, I have two witnesses. She’s retarded if she thinks she can lie about something like that.

I’m slowly getting over all of this.

Despite what others say, I’m not a failure. I have nothing to prove to anyone. My life goes on.

I’m feeling rather detached at the moment so I have no problem typing this stuff up. It’s 1:30am and I have not done my math homework, but I think I’m going to do it after Japanese tomorrow as I’m hanging out in Program Board. It’s due by noon, and I only have one class tomorrow so I’ll hw during office hours. Hah. Hm, there’s also a quiz for Japanese tomorrow that I haven’t studied for yet. And my third math midterm is on Friday.

Today I cycled from hypomanic to apathetic. What will I be tomorrow, I wonder? Each day brings its own surprises. Awesome-ness. /sarcasm

My goal is to write a small one paragraph blog entry in Japanese by the end of Winter quarter. I shall seeeee. I love goals. They give me something to live for and something to strive towards.

Lalalala♥

And I don’t wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don’t want to talk about it
And I don’t want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don’t want to talk about it
Because I’m in love with you

Memories

Brigitte — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 19:06:42 +0000

I remember a time when I didn’t know how to cross the street. I remember walking home from middle school. I remember that one time when I was rollerskating on the sidewalk and I almost fell, but I managed to control the skates. I remember boasting about it afterward to my family. I remember talking about my exercise routine with Paula N. in the girl’s bathroom freshman year. I remember choreographing a ballet with Justine during 8th grade, to a Pocahontas song. I remember messing up during the actual performance because my arm got stuck on my dress while doing a table top, but I saved myself by pretending I knew what I was doing. I remember finding $20 inside a VHS box many years ago, and being extremely happy. I remember when I was still collecting $2 bills. I remember how mad my mom was when she almost ran me over because I was running across the street to go buy food. I remember waking up at 4:30am every morning to get to school junior year of high school. I remember sitting in my room one day, trying to make the decision whether or not to cut for the first time. I remember sitting in Meme’s car late one night, on the phone, crying a little. I remember getting dizzy every time I stood up because I was never hungry and rarely ate. I remember when that song played in the car, and as I was singing along, I just started crying and crying and Meme thought I was crying because I was leaving to college (but really it was because the song was about suicide). I remember my rocky friendship with my old best friend Deniece Horn. I remember writing fanfictions and having Carolina read them in Microbiology or US History, in 7th and 8th grade, respectively. I remember loving her drawings, and one time lent her my anime book so she could draw Sakura. I remember singing my own version of Don’t Cry For Me Argentina to our old family friend Manny. I remember having my desk by the entrance to our house on 6th avenue and everytime George got home My Chemical Romance was playing and he told me I need to get some new music (after which I never played MCR if I knew he was on his way home). I remember calling Paula M. after I finished reading Sister Carrie and just being blown away by the novel… I was quite speechless. I remember sleeping through most of summer before 11th grade. I remember camming with Elizabeth for 12 hours as we were doing our summer homework for AP English… and not sleeping for two days to finish it. I remember. I remember.

I don’t ever want to forgot, not even for one whole minute. What would I do if when I got old I forgot everything, and everyone that ever meant something?

I wonder what I would do if I got a case of advanced dementia or Alzheimer’s? Thinking about it, I would want to die. Were I in a hospital I would want to be taken off the feeding tube, the ventilator, the life support. I sort of just want to die sooner than later.

Hmhmhm.

Tape Recorder

Brigitte — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 09:22:11 +0000

I’ve had so many good ideas for blog entries, but never have enough time in the day to write them out. ARGHHHH. Whatever, I’m over it already.

I’m sleepy… and I smell like smoke.

Make Up Your Mind!

Brigitte — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 20:13:31 +0000

It’s so funny that the second I typed “I miss him” I realized Rob might think I was talking about someone else specifically, and that’s absolutely the only reason I wrote the second sentence (just because of him). Later I found in my inbox a comment from him. I just thought I’d throw out there that I moved on a long time ago. I’d like to apologize to him, and also to Rob, for being such a huge waste of time. Life goes on and everyone’s happier now so it doesn’t really matter.

Okayyy, so I went to the salon yesterday. Part 1 of 2 is complete. I’m still keeping my hair color a secret until I’m “done” and my hair is complete. Cassandra said I could go back on Tuesday to finish… but clearly, I don’t live here anymore so I have to wait until Saturday, which is a bummer, but one week will fly by. They have been at an alarming rate anyway.

I go back home today, sometime around 4pm or whenever Sandy comes to pick me up. I don’t want to go back to UCSB. I miss it… and my life over there, but still! home is home. My family is here (and the drama continues without me)… so I don’t know how to feel about this. It’s sort of like two timelines running parallel to each other and they’ll never meet, but I want them to merge into one line… but it won’t.

If I wasn’t on student government (aka involved, and in a position worth noting, especially for a freshman), then I would want to transfer to UCI or UCLA. Argh! The complications of college life. Lmao.

Anyway, I have laundry to finish and random shit to do before it’s time to leave. Peaceeee.

Let’s Face It

Brigitte — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 06:26:56 +0000

I miss him.

Wow, no one knows who I’m talking about.

Sh! …

Protected: What’s It Like?

Brigitte — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 06:46:00 +0000

Thanksgiving

Brigitte — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 01:34:54 +0000

To my Xanga readers, LJ readers, and blog readers: Happy Thanksgiving!

My family is going to start eating soon. I’m not hungry yet so I’m going to wait a while. Thanksgiving, this year, is at my Mom’s house. Last year it was at Auntie Elle’s condo (though she has a huge house now), and the year prior it was at my Auntie Maggie’s house (though Uncle George lives there now). The location just sort of changes every year to spread the mess that cooking makes. (:

OK, we’re currently watching a Celine Dion DVD in which she sings Christmas songs… and Rosie O’Donnell sings with her! Intense. Anyway, I don’t understand why my family is eating so early. Hm, I just had a Ferrero Rocher. Sweeeet. They’re a trademark of November and December for us.

This year our Thanksgiving is sort of split up… Meme, Maggie, Brian, and Midori are not spending the holiday with us. A family argument sort of split everyone up.

The thought just struck me… what are we going to do for Christmas?! We’ve never NOT been together for Christmas. And I somehow doubt the family issue will be resolved by Christmas. Fuck. I wonder which of the three adults (blood-related) I can ask about the situation for Christmas. George might just give me an annoyed look at not answer the question. He’ll say I don’t know in this annoyed tone. If I ask Elle she’ll get mad and say we’re just not going to spend time with them. I don’t even want to think how my Mom would react. Likely, she’d give me this super angry look and tell me now is not the time to talk about that stuff.

It’s funny how I just know how they’ll all react. If I want them all to be mildly annoyed at me I can test it out, but I think I rather not.

Okok they’re making me hungry even though I’m not hungry!

I feel NORMAL. In a POSITIVE way. Pills ftw!

Oh snaps!

Brigitte — Thu, 22 Nov 2007 08:28:07 +0000

The Town Hall Meeting I attended on Tuesday night was way intense. Members of AS discussed plans that will be taken into action that were not discussed with students and was solely an administrative decision. However, the students do not agree with the decision and we’re trying to find ways so that it cannot be implemented.

The idea is this: The minimum units a quarter you need to take will go from 12 to 15. Okay, at first it just sounds inconvenient, but there are just so many other factors that need to be taken into consideration. For one, the school would be making 10 million dollars more a year… but where these funds are being allocated are unknown. I’m so against this decision. The thing is that it’s already been passed, but won’t be implemented for another year. Still, though, it’s not fair to anyone.

Okay, so I’m in Program Board, but I really want to get involved in other parts of AS, too. I’m thinking maybe something like Finance Board or another really active committee. I don’t really know yet. I just want to get involved somehow and make a difference.

When David told me he felt like saving the world I was sort of shocked and kinda upset that he rather use his free time on NINE organizations instead of with his friends, but I think I understand the feeling now!!

While I don’t REALLY want to save the world, I want to somehow make a difference and just get involved in as many things I can that I feel strongly about. I think I’m going to graduate in three years and that third year is going to be spent studying abroad… so I have two years to make a change of some sort.

PRESSURE. Feel it.

My Heart Is A Liar

Brigitte — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 05:01:18 +0000

I want to gag. The words, the memories, the embraces, the caresses – they disgust me and I wish they had never happened. I recoil at the thought of him touching me. I remember the words he said, and the words I was very reluctant to say, but after several stares from my family, I choked them out. I regret the time, the emotions, everything. Just thinking about it makes me shudder … but only because I’m living in guilt. Constant guilt that I just can’t let go.

I most definitely prefer to be alone. Yet, my greatest fear is being lonely.

There’s a limit to my love. I love everyone so much. Just, I can’t, not in that way. But, it’s threatening to haunt me. I don’t want to go through this again. I already know. I already know. So why am I so foolishly thinking the same thoughts again? Different person, same situation. A vicious cycle.

I want to save the world.

Rock Your Body

Brigitte — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 00:12:25 +0000

Fuck, I’m sleepy. I could be in my room right now, sleeping, if I wasn’t planning to attend the meeting today from 5 to 8 PM for AS so that rules on campus aren’t changed. Time to try to make a difference. Though, I’m just so tired. And David upset me so now I hope I don’t see him there because I might ignore him or whatevz.

If I’m on anyone’s side, it’s my own; everyone in my group has some varied view of each other and no one is getting along… save for a few, and these sub-cliques are fucking annoying me.

David just called me, and yeah… I didn’t respond the way I would have liked. There was dislike and distrust in my head and I can’t stand feeling that way towards someone I used to call my friend for life/best friend. Times change.

Or maybe I’m just going through depression right now. I can’t wait until my Lamictal dose increases. I feel like shiiiiit.

aklsfhkasdfklahsfkahsdfkasf.

I HATE FLUCTUATING EMOTIONS. They’re way too far in range… from fucking hyper to I want to die. WTF.

In The Morning And Amazing…

Brigitte — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 10:08:45 +0000

2:01 AM. I woke up from my really long 4-hour nap just a short while ago. I had forgotten to clean my new ear piercings for the night so I did… only to find the cover for the left earring is gone. I searched all over the floor, but didn’t find anything. Clearly, the cartilage is still healing so there was no way I could take out the earring. Also, it’d look really gay to just have an earring on my right and not on my left. But anyway! I found another earring of mine and just used the cover for that on my left cartilage piercing. Sucks… I feel imbalanced because I know they’re not the same. Grr.

I set my alarm for 1:30AM so that I could wake up and finish Japanese homework. Uh… I’m still lagging on that because I thought I’d write on here. Though it’s pointless. I’m sad … what the fuck. Why did I just write I’m sad? I went to the paragraph above to add the “grr” and as I returned to this paragraph it said, “I’m sad” but now I don’t know why I would have typed that.

I already know what I want for Christmas. Or, one of the presents anyway. Diamond earrings. (: Four of them. Lol. It sort of just struck me that that’s what I really want this year. Hm, and if I don’t purchase one soon, a really ballin’ jacket. Last year I had my niiiice faux-fur Abercrombie jacket, but that’s so last year. (I’m kidding about that, btw, but I didn’t bring it to SB) Ah, I might buy these myself, but I realllllly want cute boots.

Ah! I’m lagging on starting my hw. WTFFFF.

Good morning America!

NRG ATK!

Brigitte — Sun, 18 Nov 2007 08:42:56 +0000

Okay, fuck… I’ve been super fucking hyper for a week now. Intensely so. I can’t sleep I’m so hyper. This is called hypomania. I start telling a story, and then I don’t remember why I was telling it or what my point is. Constant rambling. I can’t even think. Just talk. Pure talk.

I’m taking pills now. For bi-polar disorder. Lamictal. Though, I don’t think it’s working yet…. I’ve never been so fucking hyper and “happy” in my liiiiiiife.

So, anyway, I went to bed at 5am yesterday… and I smoked a cigarette for the first time ever. Lmao lmao lmao… it was fucking retarded. But whatever. I can now say I’ve done it.

Moving on.

Sandy, Rona, and I made two videos today. One of them is up on facebook. The other is inappropriate considering I started … humping Sandy. Lmaooo. Anywayz.

Should I take my sleeping pill? I should. Sandy is asleep already. Pills<3

Baiiii.

Protected: lulz. uplifting note to self.

Brigitte — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 20:01:44 +0000

Another Stage

Brigitte — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 19:29:38 +0000

So I’ve hit a hardcore stage of apathy. And I’m starting to panic, but as I do so I’m not doing anything to alleviate the problem. Yet, I feel really antsy right now, and very very very guilty.

I awoke this morning prepared to go to class, but come time for me to leave, I had absolutely no motivation to go anywhere. This apathy is somewhat like seclusion, except I’ve been talking to people a lot lately. At crazy hours. Well, not thaaat crazy, just not typical talking times…

So I got back home last night at 12:20 and Elizabeth and I had agreed to talk on the phone about a particular subject, which then turned into several topics (happiness, loneliness, random topics of a “profound” nature), and finally at 2am I said we both have to wake up early so we should just talk later. And oh, we shall.

The night before that it was Twinkie, but we talked longer than Elizabeth and I did, and until later (earlier?). Though I’m glad we talked it sucks so badly that 1. he’s in ze future time and 2. I’m talkative at retarded hours.

I’m seriously having some sleeping issues and it’s starting to annoy me. I mean, Monday morning I didn’t sleep until 4am… wtf. Sadly I wake up really early so sometime this week I’m just going to pass out from sheer exhaustion.

I do this every once in a while – turn apathetic. They’re like mental days of rest, except I just feel on edge and anxious and panicky all day long because I am fully aware that I’m not being responsible. It’s srsly keeeeeling me.

I feel like wringing my hands to show some sign of stress or worry, but currently it’s more a problem of … I can’t breathe. This overwhelming sensation is more than I can take.

Fuuuuck. I am glad for appointments. I need structure. I need to stay on track.

I can talk the talk, but I’m not fucking walking. Feeeeeel the stress.

!

Brigitte — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 08:10:07 +0000

Friday: Facing New York, Cursive

Saturday: The Almost, The Starting Line, Paramore

Sunday: Sick Puppies, Evanescence

I watched four movies today. Ballin’.

On a completely different note: I feel like throwing up.

Loneliness Epidemic

Brigitte — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 04:55:38 +0000

This is rapidly spreading… and one too many people lately have come to me announcing they’re lonely. Why? Why? Why? Why is everyone so lonely? Rather than make this an emotional post about myself, I just want to make a tiny observation. In a world full of technology, is it doing more harm than good? I mean, honestly, groups of my friends can sit in a room or eating together and we’re all texting someone else. Where is the human contact? The talking? The connections? If not texting, a roomful of laptops. We suffer from loneliness because we’re all disconnected the more “connected” to technology we get. Some of my conversations are based solely on texts from my iPhone, but I don’t know how I can consider them conversations at all. I mean, I never once expressed myself vocally. Words stay shut.

Anyway, enough mumbling about loneliness.

Yesterday, Brendon, and Jared came in here so we could play Halo 3. Geez, I played for 2 hours, and for a genre of video-game that I have never played, that’s a long time. In all we all played for some three hours. Afterwards I did my math hw (ughhh). I ordered Freebirds and Sharon, Rona, Jared, and I watched Amelie, which ended at 1 am. Funnnn.

Jared was in my room today from 2:30 to 6… playing Oblivion. Lmao, fuuuck, I so wanted to be alone today, but then he was here and so I invited Rona over and it was a fun chatty evening. Now I’m just watching Hostel 2, which is ehhh lol really hilarious.

Anyway, I didn’t blog yesterday but ehhh…. well whateverz.

Off to my bed I go to enjoy the movie more comfortably.

For What It’s Worth

Brigitte — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 06:55:01 +0000

I’m sitting on my bed, laptop on my knees, and listening to music from my desktop. Desperately I want to cry, or prove my depression to myself. Perhaps I just want to get rid of all the negativity that’s accumulating inside. Please say you’ve loved me all along. Why must I be needy right now, of all times?

Tomorrow I have my Japanese midterm, but I’m honestly just hoping I know the material well enough that I don’t have to exert myself tonight and just sleep slightly earlier than usual. Monday really is my busiest nonstop day. Tuesdays, even though I only have one class, are no shorter. There’s just too much going on every single day. I’m glad for this upcoming three-day weekend in which I won’t have to suffer through my normal hectic Monday. [:

Complaints of violins become my only friends.

Why is it that I can make others laugh so easily, and yet the thoughts I have within are all depressing and only serve to make me miserable?

Life isn’t worth living.

Art of First Impressions

Brigitte — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 07:45:11 +0000

I’m glad for the time change, though it gets dark much too early now. It does a lot to screw with the mind. At 6pm it felt like 9 or 10 (it was super dark…).

I awoke at 9am this morning and woke up Rona so we could go down to eat breakfast. By the time we got down it was already noon. We brought Nefertiti along with us. There, we met up with Sam and he sat with us. While I thought it was going to be a fun and random breakfast (at lunch time) it turned into an emo conversation about me. Idk why, but Sam always likes to ask about my past, and/or why I’m depressed. He makes too much logical sense (that’s usually totally my job, but I guess I need someone to show me the logic in my illogical thoughts, too). Anyway, I was convinced into sharing a part of my “life story” for which I felt extremely bad.

The only reason I’m so closed off about myself is because I hate boring other people with ridiculous details or emotions pertaining to myself. In any case I shared a mini-story (without all the emo details) about myself… and I felt really bad because it felt like I brought the mood way down. I apologized a few times, and Sam told me it was okay, and that I didn’t need to worry. Something he said really hit me, “You’ll never be close to someone if you don’t open up.” I’m so concerned about never finding anyone to be truly close to, but I don’t make any effort. Ugh, idk. As I typed that I felt disgusted at even daring to think of sharing any part of myself (I feel so bad). Ahh, just wayyyy too fucked up in the head.

Anyway, afterward, Rona, Nefertiti, and I went to State St. and met up with David. Rona and David made appointments to get their hair cut at 4pm, so we had a bit over two hours to kill. Rona didn’t have her ears pierced so we walked over to Claire’s. Alright, so I got impulsive again (which might get me srsly hurt one day, but that’s another matter)… and I got the top of my ears pierced, on the cartilage. XD; Here’s a picture (click for bigger):

Alright, kinda weird because I’ve been showing off random body parts on my blog. Hahah, I’m so weird.

Anyway, after I got my ears pierced Rona finally felt brave enough to get her ears pierced. (: By going first I showed her that it was relatively painless to get a hole in your ear. loool. By the time we got our ears pierced and walked around to Jamba slash Coldstone it was time to get Rona’s hair cut!! (: Click to see larger pics:

Before RONA:

After RONA:

Nefertiti and I went to Rite Aid, but upon finding nothing, decided to go to Kmart (iiiick…. but Santa Barbara has no Target, methinks, which annoys me). We chose lots of new things for Rona (face wash, new hairbrush, comb, and lots more)!! We straightened her hair and all that jazz. I really seriously hope she has higher self-esteem and loves her new look. ^_^ I love Rona, and she’s very pretty so she deserves to feel super special! :] She doesn’t wear makeup, but she’s wanted to for a while so we picked out a good brown eyeliner for her and etc. (: Aww, I wish I had taken a picture of her earrings because they’re so cute! :]

Wow, I have so many new routines… I have to clean my lip piercing and my new ear piercings. So intense!!

Alright, apart from this entry, I’m still very depressed. I’m seriously starting to worry about myself. I fear I’m going to start cutting again or have thoughts of suicide. As it is I really rather just die… but I don’t know why! Lately, I’ve been very impulsive… in a scary way. What if I impulsively make a decision that’s really harmful? =\ What do I do?!

Right now I just feel very panicky. And tense. And stressed. And just like I’m dying inside.

Waste your time with me. Please, I need you.

Speak Low

Brigitte — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 06:32:14 +0000

Admitting emotions is difficult for me, but I’m trying my best to speak.

Metamorphosis

Brigitte — Fri, 02 Nov 2007 22:08:16 +0000

It’s funny how much I don’t feel a part of anything. Or at the very least I can only connect to one person at a time, but not the group as a whole. It’s like not being able to connect the dots. I feel. Ew. Wait, I feel? Ugh, emotions are disgusting. I hate feeling. I hate being real. Anyway, I feel like a little child that people just take pity on. I’m not prepared to face the world.

I can’t help anyone because … well, because I am a child. How am I expected to understand all these “adult” problems that everyone’s going through right now? Useless. Futile attempts at being the person that understands everyone. And I do, but I don’t think they believe me.

1 talks shit about 2 to me. 2 talks shit about 1 to 3. And 3 talks shit about both 1 and 2 to me. And I sit here listening to them all and I don’t know how to react. A bunch of talk. Bullshit. I can’t stand this. Desperately I want to say something to them… tell them to just shut the fuck up because it really isn’t funny anymore.

When did 1 develop OCD? Since when did 2 develop an addiction to attention in the form of providing sexual favors? When did everyone change? I stopped talking to them all for a month and I come back to unpleasantness that I don’t know how to deal with because I’m still a child at heart. And it hurts.

I hate people. I hate myself. I hate the whole fucking world. There’s a sense of security in separation. And I don’t even want to partake in anything. Sometimes I just want to walk into the ocean and go so far out that I can no longer swim, to drown.

Drown myself in this.