Heart-Strutter.org

To my Xanga readers, LJ readers, and blog readers: Happy Thanksgiving!

My family is going to start eating soon. I’m not hungry yet so I’m going to wait a while. Thanksgiving, this year, is at my Mom’s house. Last year it was at Auntie Elle’s condo (though she has a huge house now), and the year prior it was at my Auntie Maggie’s house (though Uncle George lives there now). The location just sort of changes every year to spread the mess that cooking makes. (:

OK, we’re currently watching a Celine Dion DVD in which she sings Christmas songs… and Rosie O’Donnell sings with her! Intense. Anyway, I don’t understand why my family is eating so early. Hm, I just had a Ferrero Rocher. Sweeeet. They’re a trademark of November and December for us.

This year our Thanksgiving is sort of split up… Meme, Maggie, Brian, and Midori are not spending the holiday with us. A family argument sort of split everyone up.

The thought just struck me… what are we going to do for Christmas?! We’ve never NOT been together for Christmas. And I somehow doubt the family issue will be resolved by Christmas. Fuck. I wonder which of the three adults (blood-related) I can ask about the situation for Christmas. George might just give me an annoyed look at not answer the question. He’ll say I don’t know in this annoyed tone. If I ask Elle she’ll get mad and say we’re just not going to spend time with them. I don’t even want to think how my Mom would react. Likely, she’d give me this super angry look and tell me now is not the time to talk about that stuff.

It’s funny how I just know how they’ll all react. If I want them all to be mildly annoyed at me I can test it out, but I think I rather not.

Okok they’re making me hungry even though I’m not hungry!

I feel NORMAL. In a POSITIVE way. Pills ftw!

To my Xanga readers, LJ readers, and blog readers: Happy Thanksgiving! My family is going to start eating soon. I'm not hungry yet so I'm going to wait a while. Thanksgiving, this year, is at my Mom's house. Last year it was at Auntie Elle's condo (though she has a huge house now), and the year prior it was at my Auntie Maggie's house (though Uncle George lives there now). The location just sort of changes every year to spread the mess that cooking makes. (: OK, we're currently watching a Celine Dion DVD in which she sings Christmas songs... and Rosie O'Donnell sings with her! Intense. Anyway, I don't understand why my family is eating so early. Hm, I just had a Ferrero Rocher. Sweeeet. They're a trademark of November and December for us. This year our Thanksgiving is sort of split up... Meme, Maggie, Brian, and Midori are not spending the holiday with us. A family argument sort of split everyone up. The thought just struck me... what are we going to do for Christmas?! We've never NOT been together for Christmas. And I somehow doubt the family issue will be resolved by Christmas. Fuck. I wonder which of the three adults (blood-related) I can ask about the situation for Christmas. George might just give me an annoyed look at not answer the question. He'll say I don't know in this annoyed tone. If I ask Elle she'll get mad and say we're just not going to spend time with them. I don't even want to think how my Mom would react. Likely, she'd give me this super angry look and tell me now is not the time to talk about that stuff. It's funny how I just know how they'll all react. If I want them all to be mildly annoyed at me I can test it out, but I think I rather not. Okok they're making me hungry even though I'm not hungry! I feel NORMAL. In a POSITIVE way. Pills ftw!

The Town Hall Meeting I attended on Tuesday night was way intense. Members of AS discussed plans that will be taken into action that were not discussed with students and was solely an administrative decision. However, the students do not agree with the decision and we’re trying to find ways so that it cannot be implemented.

The idea is this: The minimum units a quarter you need to take will go from 12 to 15. Okay, at first it just sounds inconvenient, but there are just so many other factors that need to be taken into consideration. For one, the school would be making 10 million dollars more a year… but where these funds are being allocated are unknown. I’m so against this decision. The thing is that it’s already been passed, but won’t be implemented for another year. Still, though, it’s not fair to anyone.

Okay, so I’m in Program Board, but I really want to get involved in other parts of AS, too. I’m thinking maybe something like Finance Board or another really active committee. I don’t really know yet. I just want to get involved somehow and make a difference.

When David told me he felt like saving the world I was sort of shocked and kinda upset that he rather use his free time on NINE organizations instead of with his friends, but I think I understand the feeling now!!

While I don’t REALLY want to save the world, I want to somehow make a difference and just get involved in as many things I can that I feel strongly about. I think I’m going to graduate in three years and that third year is going to be spent studying abroad… so I have two years to make a change of some sort.

PRESSURE. Feel it.

The Town Hall Meeting I attended on Tuesday night was way intense. Members of AS discussed plans that will be taken into action that were not discussed with students and was solely an administrative decision. However, the students do not agree with the decision and we're trying to find ways so that it cannot be implemented. The idea is this: The minimum units a quarter you need to take will go from 12 to 15. Okay, at first it just sounds inconvenient, but there are just so many other factors that need to be taken into consideration. For one, the school would be making 10 million dollars more a year... but where these funds are being allocated are unknown. I'm so against this decision. The thing is that it's already been passed, but won't be implemented for another year. Still, though, it's not fair to anyone. Okay, so I'm in Program Board, but I really want to get involved in other parts of AS, too. I'm thinking maybe something like Finance Board or another really active committee. I don't really know yet. I just want to get involved somehow and make a difference. When David told me he felt like saving the world I was sort of shocked and kinda upset that he rather use his free time on NINE organizations instead of with his friends, but I think I understand the feeling now!! While I don't REALLY want to save the world, I want to somehow make a difference and just get involved in as many things I can that I feel strongly about. I think I'm going to graduate in three years and that third year is going to be spent studying abroad... so I have two years to make a change of some sort. PRESSURE. Feel it.

I want to gag. The words, the memories, the embraces, the caresses – they disgust me and I wish they had never happened. I recoil at the thought of him touching me. I remember the words he said, and the words I was very reluctant to say, but after several stares from my family, I choked them out. I regret the time, the emotions, everything. Just thinking about it makes me shudder … but only because I’m living in guilt. Constant guilt that I just can’t let go.

I most definitely prefer to be alone. Yet, my greatest fear is being lonely.

There’s a limit to my love. I love everyone so much. Just, I can’t, not in that way. But, it’s threatening to haunt me. I don’t want to go through this again. I already know. I already know. So why am I so foolishly thinking the same thoughts again? Different person, same situation. A vicious cycle.

I want to save the world.

I want to gag. The words, the memories, the embraces, the caresses - they disgust me and I wish they had never happened. I recoil at the thought of him touching me. I remember the words he said, and the words I was very reluctant to say, but after several stares from my family, I choked them out. I regret the time, the emotions, everything. Just thinking about it makes me shudder ... but only because I'm living in guilt. Constant guilt that I just can't let go. I most definitely prefer to be alone. Yet, my greatest fear is being lonely. There's a limit to my love. I love everyone so much. Just, I can't, not in that way. But, it's threatening to haunt me. I don't want to go through this again. I already know. I already know. So why am I so foolishly thinking the same thoughts again? Different person, same situation. A vicious cycle. I want to save the world.

Fuck, I’m sleepy. I could be in my room right now, sleeping, if I wasn’t planning to attend the meeting today from 5 to 8 PM for AS so that rules on campus aren’t changed. Time to try to make a difference. Though, I’m just so tired. And David upset me so now I hope I don’t see him there because I might ignore him or whatevz.

If I’m on anyone’s side, it’s my own; everyone in my group has some varied view of each other and no one is getting along… save for a few, and these sub-cliques are fucking annoying me.

David just called me, and yeah… I didn’t respond the way I would have liked. There was dislike and distrust in my head and I can’t stand feeling that way towards someone I used to call my friend for life/best friend. Times change.

Or maybe I’m just going through depression right now. I can’t wait until my Lamictal dose increases. I feel like shiiiiit.

aklsfhkasdfklahsfkahsdfkasf.

I HATE FLUCTUATING EMOTIONS. They’re way too far in range… from fucking hyper to I want to die. WTF.

Fuck, I'm sleepy. I could be in my room right now, sleeping, if I wasn't planning to attend the meeting today from 5 to 8 PM for AS so that rules on campus aren't changed. Time to try to make a difference. Though, I'm just so tired. And David upset me so now I hope I don't see him there because I might ignore him or whatevz. If I'm on anyone's side, it's my own; everyone in my group has some varied view of each other and no one is getting along... save for a few, and these sub-cliques are fucking annoying me. David just called me, and yeah... I didn't respond the way I would have liked. There was dislike and distrust in my head and I can't stand feeling that way towards someone I used to call my friend for life/best friend. Times change. Or maybe I'm just going through depression right now. I can't wait until my Lamictal dose increases. I feel like shiiiiit. aklsfhkasdfklahsfkahsdfkasf. I HATE FLUCTUATING EMOTIONS. They're way too far in range... from fucking hyper to I want to die. WTF.