Heart-Strutter.org

Thus far I have written six essays on cannibalism, and I need to get to reading so I can start my seventh. And then I have to write a ten-page paper on cannibalism. At this point, cannibalism has lost all its meaning and I can hardly stand it. I at least get to quote Metric on my blog title, right? (: Haven’t listened to this song in a ~while~ except now I hear it’s all over the radio. Radio is stupid and way behind on the music scene.

Last night I had champagne, red wine, vodka, tequila, and beer. Lmfao… so I wait 21 years to drink right…? And soon as I turn there’s like a fucking platter of all the alcoholic drinks I can have right in front of me and I dive in. Not gonna lie, I experienced drunk-ness for the first time, but I didn’t do anything I wouldn’t have done sober. I already dance like no tomorrow without alcohol. So whatever.

High points: Mom and Aunt surprising me and treating myself and friends to dinner at Ca Dario downtown; Getting some CRAZY ass lapdances from Moonie, Sebastian, and David; I do recall Seb asking me, “do you like it?” while running my arm down his body (I couldn’t stop laughing); my fave lapdance was Moonie’s… awkward!; having a real talk with Sandy and Rona (I guess difference is… I actually talk when I drink — woah woah).

Low points: Working for six hours on my birthday; Crashing my aunt’s Mercedes in a tiny street just before work (urghhhhh); almost crying at work because I fucked up; borrowing my Mom’s BMW (it’s awful to drive… yeah, it’s convertible, but the steering wheel is really heavy/stiff and hard to move, the brakes are too sensitive [I barely press down and the car is practically stopped already], and being UNABLE to see anything because of the design of the car). Not many people would whine and complain about a BMW, but uhm… it’s very frustrating as a driver to switch cars like that (though I did mess up big time), and really disliking the way the new car drives.

Vegas with family, family friends, and friends this upcoming weekend!!!!! (; WOOT WOOT WOOT. SOOOO EXCITING.

TODAY… 8-hour work day. I hadn’t eaten breakfast when I got to work but I was still suprisingly in a good mood. And I went above and beyond for clients today. It was just a good-mood work day. But soon as I had to drive back home, I got in a bad mood because driving the BMW really absofreakinglutely frustrates me. So now I’m just grumpy… D:

There is way too much going on these days. I feel tense, like I work tomorrow or something and don’t have enough time, but I don’t work any more days this week. Thank god, because hw-galore.

Re-reading my entry, I realize I’m sort of sad… despite the excitement. ): I feel very… resigned to failure or something. Yadda yadda.

Niiight.

This upcoming week is going to be ridiculously busy. I feel that in order to remember all the things that I need to do, I should write them down. I am most certainly forgetful, and I can’t afford to forget anything this week.

• Tuesday morning/evening/depending with whom I switch shifts at work – TAILOR. ASAP. Or I won’t have a dress to wear Saturday night.
• Essay for English 103A due Thursday, March 4th.
• I have to go buy Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. And read it.
• Write an essay on Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, due Thursday, March 4th. (What a waste of time.)
• Write three short essays for Phil 150B, due Monday, March 8th. But ahead of time as I will have no time this weekend.
• Write a letter about Engl 50. Get signature. MUSTMUSTMUST. ASAPASAP. I keep forgetting… this is the most important thing.
• Ask Finaid how to return money I don’t need that I borrowed, for upcoming quarter.
• Go to EOP and show receipts for contact lenses, so I can get credited back.
• Switch shifts with either Trish or KK for Saturday. Find someone to cover my Sunday shift.
• Feel a little bit poorer because I will have less hours this week due to travel. Boooo.
• If time allows, make an appointment to take a very important test. SCHEDULED.
• Find a subleaser for my apartment, for the summer.
• Sign lease for house I’m renting for next year. Ensure that I have enough money to fund deposit.
• Remember to sleep, breathe, and drink water. I don’t drink enough water lately. D: I’ve been very dehydrated.
• Email/call Elizabeth… I got your email, girl. I’m getting to it. But your email requires time… we gotta talk. I’ll try to find time.
• Text Giselle. We’re getting out of touch. I know we’re trying… I’m sorry, it’s really my fault. ):
• Text/call Justine. Never got to tell her how much I appreciated her coming up to visit me, and how much fun I had.
• Ask Nefi what’s up. Lol… haaaaay girl.
• Remember to turn 21 on Monday. Srsly, such BUSY WORK just to remember this little tid bit. ughhh.

Not going to lie… I am a LITTLE stressed out about how I’m going to get all this stuff done in one week. My time is already severely limited as it is. I’m working on my birthday (I didn’t really bother to ask for the day off), and with everything that’s going on, I kind of wish it weren’t happening so soon… I’m TOO busy. It’s cramping my busy lifestyle, having a birthday. Vegas this weekend. Geezus, it just sounds like one more thing on my list of things to do rather than a celebration.

Too many essays. I am freaking OUT. Though I have to admit I’m pretty happy, because aside for one essay in Engl 103A, all my essays have gotten A’s or A+’s. (: Should I add on to my list, “don’t forget how to write”??? Seriously, it’s such WORK, but thank goodness it comes “easy” to me (not easy, but I do it well…. write, I mean). Oh goodness, but my writing on my blog is not at all indicative of how I WRITE. This is like scribble scrabble, yannoe? NOTES. Quick and dirty.

Let me get some sleep…!

Ned Shatzer, on the cover of Beauty Fashion magazine.

Ben Hill, Tommy Hilfiger S/S 2009 campaign

I love classic, handsome men. But rugged. And guys with facial hair and plaid shirts. BRB FANNING MYSELF! Might add more pictures as time allows. MAJOR TIME CRUNCH. SCHOOL! WORK! AHHHHHH.

I just want to jot down a few things.

• I fell asleep 20 minutes before midnight on New Year’s Eve.
• I fell asleep because I’ve been sick forever, and had a sinus headache. Mom gave me Benadryl. I completely knocked out.
• Supposedly, Mom tried waking me up at midnight, but I have no recollection of this.
• One of my aunts passed around money in a circle until the money ran out, to all those awake.
• So, I missed out.
• For the first time in my life, I think I got pink eye. Maybe? It was caused by contact irritation and then me poking my contacts. D:
• It went away in 2 days.
• I still went to work because I don’t think it was the contagious kind and there were no signs of my eye ailment except for pain.
• Cherry l/l and Howl l/s = major compliments.
• I asked a professor to let me enroll in a graduate level course in which she would be accepting only 4 undergrads.
• She let me enroll…! Simultaneously excited and scared.
• The reading list is aaaaamazing! But there are like 10 novels. A novel a week… brb panicking!
• I did not watch 150 movies last year… which is a bummer. I only got to 130.
• This year will be the 4th year in a row I’m going to attempt 150 movies. 2 of those 3 years I made and surpassed the 150 mark.
• Alas, at this crucial end-of-year winter break time I have 2 jobs so movies took a back seat for a while.
• Foreign movies are so my cup of tea.
• I just finished watching Hors de prix and now I’m watching How To Marry A Millionaire (Marilyn Monroe). Trend? Hah!
• During break I started so many blog entries and hardly published any of them.
• I’m so excited to turn 21 so I can ~finally~ try wine!
• I have never had any alcohol!!!
• Personally, I need something to look forward to in life or else I feel restless.
• I try to get my hair colored every 3 months, but for 2 years I didn’t have any dark hair color.
• Last week Tuesday I got my hair a very dark chocolate brown with slight reddish undertones that are barely detectable except under the sun.
• Ever since I was a young gal I really enjoyed watching Channel 18 where they would air Bollywood music videos and Asian dramas.
• Today, many many years later from those days, I am ~so~ into Bollywood movies! Asian movies! French movies!
• Foreign is so so so much better.
• For my 21st birthday I’m going to Paris! (:

So much for a few…! This entry took me several days to write just because I can very rarely sit down without multi-tasking. Then time runs out and I go do something else before finishing any entry.

My resolution for this year — and it’s actually going to be pretty tough — is to stop antagonizing people! And perhaps try to get back into the blog scene. I miss habitually reading people’s blogs and keeping up with the online community. Unfortunately I did not watch 150 movies this past year so I have to step up my game this year and get ahead so by the end of 2010 I don’t have to scramble.

Exciting stuff coming this way for 2010!

Take a sip, and keep it classy! Exude positive energy!! (:

1 am. I need to sleep. Work ALL day tomorrow. At both Lush and Sephora. 11am to 11:30pm. Honestly, I have no idea why I agreed to pick up the Lush shift. I almost picked up a shift tonight, after having worked for 7 days in a row. I was sick for about 3 weeks, from lack of rest. It took every ounce of strength to say no to today’s shift. I needed a day off. To relax, watch movies, meditate, etc. Impulsively, I will say yes to everything.

It’s too late to take a bubble bath. I get so much reading done when I take baths. That’s the only way I can ~focus~ instead of multi-tasking every which way with the 20+ tabs I have open, with far too many mental notes.

Leonardo Favio has been my jaaaam for over a week now. His music was from the 60s/70s, Argentinian singer. Just listen.

Contradicting statements:

• I wish people were still emotional enough to warrant carrying handkerchiefs with them.
• Emotions are weak.
• I feel like crying for everyone that’s ever been sad, for everyone that’s ever had it rough, for everyone that’s ever been lonely.
• I can’t cry.

No matter what, I don’t want to be emotionally vulnerable. Already I told Sebastian too much about how I feel.

Sometimes I don’t know if I suppress my emotions or if I just don’t have any. The former seems the likely culprit. For so long I have told myself that it is not okay to let anyone or anything affect me that I automatically try to suppress every emotion. And then when finally I allow myself to feel, I feel so much I can’t even breathe. Anger, love, sympathy, caring, hate. I feel them so intensely it hurts.

I’m finally over __. What’s funny is that CBD had to replace __ in order for me to be over the latter.

When someone asks me how I’m doing, I never go into details. And yet I get upset when people blab on and on about themselves and don’t let me speak, as if I would share anything even if they did ask. I always get upset no one gives enough of a fuck to ask for details. If you ask, I’ll answer. But, no one asks anything at all. I think that’s where I get my mentality that “no one cares.” It’s difficult enough for me to “open up” – I get so uncomfortable even just thinking about it. No one even knows. (I’ve made no progress.)

“You can’t even tell me what’s under the stupid tarp.”

I can’t.

My mouth seals shut and I get so hesitant.

People always assume I’m okay, that I’m strong, that I’m ~so~ prepared and fearless, that nothing can bring me down. Look closer, please. It’s all a facade. I’ve never been so weak, so scared.

I start to say what I mean, what I feel, and then I can’t. No one cares.

Why am I such a contradictory hypocrite?

Nobody’s here with me.