A Moment’s Wonderings

“It is when the feat weary and hope seems vain that the heartaches and the longings arise. Know, then, that for you is neither surfeit nor content. In your rocking chair, by your window dreaming, shall you long, alone. In your rocking chair, but your window, shall you dream such happiness as you may never feel.”

Sister Carrie, Theodore Dreiser

Have you ever wanted to cry and found that you couldn’t? You’re surrounded by people when the overwhelming feeling of tears borders your soul; or yet, even worse, when you are all alone–rejoicing at the fact and somehow pitying yourself from it all the same–and your tears may cascade as well as from any waterfall, but you are incapable of dropping a single solitary tear or cry. The sentiment lingers, but nothing to show for it. I feel so beset with emotion whilst I ponder over all my predicaments. There is so much I wish to express but doubt that it would be understood by even a most sympathetic spirit. It is with courage that I even dare write this. But that self-same courage fails me when I need it most.

This is no bluff, I assure you. As I sat yesterday in a restaurant with my family and some of our friendly relations, by the window, I stared out at nothing with thoughts swirling in my mind. I ate my food silently, only once my attention being caught by something that one of our relations said. Had it not been that she sat next to me, I would not have even caught it. I spoke quickly and excitedly–surprising myself at my Spanish–and explained the parallels between what was going on in her, and undoubtedly in my, life with the novel I was currently reading. A small bit of insight I betrayed of myself to her. I hastily finished what I was sayign and turned once more to look out the window to think over the new developments. Feeling as though no one could truly understand my situation–or my train of thought, least of all–I did not wish to pursue a conversation with someone that would feel even the slightest bit as I did. A fit of despair rose in me and I felt myself becoming claustrophobic; I was stuck in my seat with seven other people around me and nowhere to go and nothing to say–as if I would. I could not escape what I soon grow weary of. I was becoming aware of the social aspects of my life: and oh, what a life it is!

i wish to rearrange my life and my experiences in a new order. Oh, oh! Why do things hapen as they do? If only it could be reversed much as the mirror plays its tricks on us (where we see ourselves the same, but it’s actually backwards). My body shakes in anticipation at what I write. I feel as though I may reach a point which you may understand but with my unwillingness to explain what is truly bothering me, you shan’t receive one or any. Prior to my social enlightenment or entrapment as it were, if I did not want to attend a gathering it was merely because I did not want to go; now I realize that it is as if I do not make a showing there must be some reason to it all and if not, word soon spreads like flames at my insolent behavior. Why must we speak to anyone at all? Can I not just sleep my life away? I have come to know that in my sleep my thoughts follow me. But that is not always the case so I am not reluctant to slumber; however, when natural time comes to awaken the full force of my thoughts come flooding in. Damn the broken damn upon this river. Again, entrapment advances. I see no way out.

My mind is undecided: one moment I think it best to live happily and make friends and keep up my relations while another moment I think it wise to stay alone forever; which is best? I’m trying to let you know that I’m better off on my own. Still I am hesitant to be alone; it is what I fear the most. But all the people I care to keep on calling on have long gone and perhaps I only considered them important in my past. It may be that I once held people at a higher esteem and my memory recalls them as important. With a clear head, though, I can come to the realization that they are most likely no different than the people in my life now. Whatever happened to them, and what of them, and them? Do they ever think of me and what has become of me? Most likely not; the more likely they are content with their lives and going on day by day, leaving the people they once knew behind. I can think of many examples of people that behave like the latter mentioned. Of course, names will remain only in my thoughts. I know perfectly well which category I fit in, me being the one writing this and all. I hae not yet forgotten a face. Everyone is important. Consider everyone valuable. I’ve learned that although at first glance one may not seem to strike a match with someone, you might become closer to them than anyone else.

My thoughts do have an unexplainable continuity… one probably not comprehended by any but myself; and that’s alright. I do believe that I can write forever only because I can think on and on and on. I must find a place to stop and rest or make it seem as though I have.


Sunday Fun

I awoke bright and early in order to get ready to go to the circus. At 9.15am mom drove me to Uncle George’s house (well, my house). Got there at about 10am. From there, we drove to Joel’s house and helped him move some furniture. Haha, I take too much credit; George helped Joel move the furniture while I sat with Georgito. After all that we walked across the street to Staple Center. The day prior, George had told me that we had pretty good seats, but I wasn’t really paying attention. To my surprise we sat on the first row. (: Our seats were the absolute best. I enjoyed it so much! The clowns, and the cute asian acrobats all came to shake our hands. -giggles- It was quite fun. The show began at 11.30 and ended at near 2.00pm. George, Georgito, and I went back to Joel’s place and thanked him for the tickets. Joel had purchased three tickets and gave them to George. Fun~ My brother did not want to go so too bad for him.

Laura and her husband drove from Utah for the weekend to come visit us. So they finally arrived in town and we went out to lunch with them.


Can’t recall when it was . . . maybe last night or the night before that, but I dreamt that I was at a new school (it was sort of like Audubon, but not), and Daniel was there. Gahhh!! Why did I dream of him? It’s been so long since I’ve even seen him! I can’t imagine why I’d still like the guy. But there he was and I was trying my bestest to get him to notice me but he didn’t even like me in my dream. What a terrible dream it was!! Even in my dreams, Daniel won’t like me. Haha . . . so sad. I do wonder why he described someone an awful lot like me when asked whom he liked. I can wonder forever and ever why things went so horribly wrong.

I called Ryan todayy; I called a few days ago, but he was too slow in answering the phone. I left a message and said I would call back. Er–well I wanted to wait until the weekend to call. He asked why it took me so long to call him back. Haha what a soft guy. c[; I swear his voice seemed so different. Then again it has been so long since I last spoke with him that I may have forgotten what his voice sounded like. Ehh . . . I’m such a sucker for guys’ voices; I love them. And on the phone you focus on listening to their voice; I instantly melt. [;

I’m going to the circus tomorrow with my uncle George and his son, Georgito. © I don’t recall ever going to a circus . . .

Layout Info

I love the simplicity of this layout! I still am not happy with the arrangement of the layout, but what to do, eh? [: I took this picture myself while on a tour of Catalina Island. After so obviously flipping the picture, I added a few touches here and there and now you have the layout before you! It is version thirty two . . . wow; so many layouts. Layout production was slower back in my early blogging days, but I make sure to continually update them. [: At least the next two layouts will also be of pictures that I have taken and edited slightly. Ooh is this a trend to watch out for? Hehe. Anyway, continuing, the original image was nothing extraordinary at all; I really spiffy-ed it up. ;] lol. And, like I said, I don’t think this arrangement does it much justice. I considered putting clouds at the bottom of the table. ya know, the clouds usually being here at the top, but then I realized that not many people would scroll all the way to the bottom anyway. -sigh- I added borders and the gradient bg for some added style but something is miiiissing. hahah.

Apathy Resurfaces

“I’m not crazy ’cause I take the right pills everyday.”

What do you do when you’re bored? What do you do when you’re depressed? What do you do when you’re unhappy?

Here’s what I do:

1. Listen to one of two playlists:
A. My Soul Is Dying
01. Cold – Stupid Girl
02. Blindside – Pitiful
03. Smile Empty Soul – Bottom of a Bottle
04. Jimmy Eat World – Bleed American
05. A.F.I. – The Leaving Song Pt. 2
06. Jimmy Eat World – Hear You Me
07. Something Corporate – I Want to Save You
08. Papa Roach – Last Resort
09. Crossfade – Cold
10. Jimmy Eat World – Sweetness
11. Sum 41 – We’re All to Blame
12. Sum 41 – Still Waiting
13. Papa Roach – Scars
14. Linkin Park – A Place For My Head
15. No Doubt – Don’t Speak
16. Jimmy Eat World – Pain
17. Blindside – Eye Of The Storm
18. The Ataris – In This Diary
19. Sugarcult – Pretty Girl (The Way)
20. Hawthorne Heights – Ohio Is For Lovers
21. Sum 41 – Pieces
22. The Living End – Prisoner of Society
23. Relient K – Forward Motion
B. .hack//SIGN OSTs
2. Stare at my computer monitor and either a) think (with music on) or b) go through old layouts.
3. Sleep. This is Ryan’s way of coping with problems and I find it to be really effective. Time goes much quicker in this way. But then, when I wake up it all comes back. I’m glad it’s summer because this has been messing with my sleeping schedule. On Saturday, the 9th of July, I slept for 5 hours in the day and then 8 hours at night. On Sunday, I just felt like falling back to sleep at any moment. It’s getting to the point where I can sleep anytime even if I’m not tired or sleepy. Then, last night or rather, this morning (14th), I slept from 5.40-7.40am. You’d think two hours wouldn’t be enough, but here I am — not even sleepy. But I want to go to bed right now and get my day over with. The days seem longer when you want them to finish.
4. Read. This is the least helpful, oddly enough. I start reading, but the entire time I’m thinking. So then I have to reread what I “read.” Sometimes I manage to get greatly interested and time passes quickly and I read lots. But eventually my thoughts sneak back in.

If you haven’t read the README (click on the yellow warning sign on the sidebar), you should know that I’m not stating why I’m unhappy for a reason. Don’t ask. I hate talking about myself . . . well, if I don’t mention it: I don’t want to talk about it. It’d probably be considered stupid or even immature.

Sarah’s Friend: lol.. i feel sorry for you tho… ppl go to you for their problems… but you don’t get your say in any of yours… *coughs* sarah mentioned it when i mentioned you yesterday… *secretly hopes that nothing bad will happen to him for revealing that he possesses such knowledge*

Me: yeah everyone does come to me. I’ve just accepted the fact and moved on. Maybe I like keeping my problems to myself. Why would anyone care about my shit? Simple as that.