Hypomania: A Likely Culprit

I feel rather good about myself today. Imperfections and all. You know, acceptance. I like myself as a human today. Considering this, I am going to take this opportunity to identify 20 things I like about myself. This is one of my 101 Goals in 1001 Days and it’s about time this simple task was completed.

  1. I like how pretty and pink my lips are.
  2. I like how virtuous I am (and having a personal moral code and sticking to it).
  3. I like the variety that is my music taste.
  4. I like being so logical about other people’s problems, yet being able to empathize.
  5. I like being so petite.
  6. I like that I’m a Pisces (traits that supposedly come with the package – if you believe in that stuff).
  7. I like the fact that I’m such a good listener. I appreciate this quality in myself a lot.
  8. I like the way I dance.
  9. I like my photography skills (even though there is room for improvement still of course).
  10. I like being able to be really funny/silly and profound/serious; makes me very approachable for anything.
  11. I like how cutesy I am (in all respects).
  12. I like the fact that I make a lot of goals to live my life, AND follow through with them.
  13. I like being bipolar – it adds some kind of depth somehow somewhere to my personality.
  14. I like the way I accept being wrong, or accepting when I’ve made mistakes.
  15. I like being able to feel as much as I do.
  16. I like the way I do my makeup (I got skillz!).
  17. I like it that I give people compliments all the time (and yes, I am sincere about it).
  18. I like the way I’m growing up (maturing and the way I’m turning out as an adult).
  19. I like having the ability to change people’s lives (for the better, I hope).
  20. I like being so introspective and extrospective (also, being very observant).
Continue Reading

So Insecure

To begin my entry I’m going to mention that I have completed another goal from my 101 in 1001. Ryan took it upon himself to read my goals and upon returning from away on AIM he told me that he wants to make a list as well. I’m glad to have inspired him to make his life just that much better. I’m also glad to have him back in my life, so to speak. He’s finished with school and he’s finally online! Honestly, it felt like we hadn’t spoken for half a year. Ryan makes me happy. ♥

Yesterday I started reading Kay Redfield Jamison’s memoir An Unquiet Mind. I’m more than halfway done already, and I have mixed feelings about the “quality” of the book. The beginning feels much too rushed. It’s like she’s quickly summarizing bits and pieces of her childhood through her college years. I was particularly interested in her life while attending UCLA, yet she mentioned but fragments of those years. Jamison introduces struggles such as failing many classes, not being able to attend lectures due to depression and in the next paragraph she’s married and planning to attend grad school. I fail to see how she got through it… and it honestly sounds more like she started during her adolescence so she feels obligated to continue in a linear timeline (but often fails).

Perhaps it’s because I’m in college right now that I add weight to the importance of that time period, and I’m just a lot more curious. I definitely wanted more from the beginning of the memoir. Mm, but at times she gives too much… ironically enough… but not about the things I want to read. She’s much too descriptive! If it were a regular novel, suuuure I’d care what color their robes were, but for a memoir I couldn’t care less. If Jamison suffers from bipolar disorder, I figure she’d discuss more of her emotional states, but when she does, they’re completely separate from the “story” and it’s italicized. Should not the emotions be part of the story and not added in here and there?

There’s also the problem with the fact that she’s written this much too long after having experienced it. A lot of it sounds so distant, like she can’t really relate to the pain she felt way back when. Some of this does take place in the 70s mind you, so it’s pointless to blame the memory of an aging adult. Honestly though, some bits seem too forced, like she’s trying to emulate that emotion from long ago, which really doesn’t make me empathize with her at all.

Eh, but I still like the memoir. Especially towards the middle, it gets much more interesting and the memories are a lot more poignant. Everything is suddenly much more exciting and I can feel the enthusiasm Jamison must have felt writing it; the prose just gets better. And my favorite part is that often I find myself nodding and agreeing all while dying inside that yes, I feel that way, too.

Hopefully I will be able to finish this tonight depending on the amount of time I have and level of energy after spending some time with my bestie Rona.

Some days I wonder if my life will ever be worth writing about.

Continue Reading

Lost Causes

I’ve been feeling this strange high lately. I don’t know if it’s hypomania, over-productivity, or just a normal-ish good feeling. I accomplish a lot in one day, but by night time when I get back to my dorm the homework awaits and I’m just so exhausted, it’s hard to concentrate. I’m already very sleepy, but I can’t sleep. I have to finish cleaning my room. I started at like 4, but I had to stop at 5:30 to leave to go to the second Program Board meeting of the week. We’ve begun planning for Extravaganza ’08! (: Oh-so-exciting!! Oh, yes, anyway (I’m rambling)… I have to study for my Japanese quiz tomorrow. At least my class is at noon, meaning I can leave like at 11:25-ish tomorrow morning. Idk, I rearranged most of the furniture in this room yet again… it looks longer now somehow. I moved stuff around for tomorrow, and I’m not sure if I’ll keep it like this, or move it back to the way it was.

Hello alone.

I’m seriously semi-happy for once! (: Taking care of yourself does wonders. More energy to do things (during the day), an elevated mood, and etc. I’m just wondering if it’s real… I mean, it could be hypomania, and that’s what I’m extremely afraid of right now.

Dreams we talked about. (My 101 goals in 1001 days are going extremely well)

Continue Reading

Daily Goals

Some of my 101 goals involve daily activities. It’s definitely getting hard to do so as I get busier and busier, but so long as I remember and make an effort to accomplish these things I should be fine.

I think I’ll just post photos onto the 365 blog and call this my blog for the day.

Well, shit.. I have so much to talk about, but I’m exhausted. Just exhausted.

Continue Reading