Memorial Day Weekend.

I’m mildly hesitant to write this post mostly because I’m in a surprisingly good mood. Good moods cloud my judgement to perceive my world almost as much as bad moods. The former, though, usually turns into recapitulation (lists and such) whereas the latter gifts me with analysis.

At present I am inside a cafe in Eagle Rock with David. He’s finishing an essay for his masters and I am for the most part alternating between reading and watching lectures. (Funny… reading/lectures/writing – all educational type activities)

David is perhaps the only person in this whole world that gives me a ~good~ case of mild anxiety. I think he understands the power of potential and what might possibly fulfill my otherwise “basic” life.

I say (aloud) there is very little to fear in life. Even at the worst of times I don’t have it all that bad to give much weight to real worldly fears such as starvation, poverty, etc. etc. As for otherworldly fears such as ghosts/unreal things – I dismiss those without a second thought. But I am scared from time to time.

I have, for several years, been too scared to consider seriously the idea of grad school. The fear? The application. It’s the first roadblock and also the first step in the process beyond intention. If I cannot get beyond the first step I cannot continue to pass any other hurdle along the road to finishing a higher education.

It’s funny because I have very little doubts as to whether grad school would suit me. Forming arguments, theses, pages upon pages of analyses… these are the things I enjoy doing. But I have never seriously considered entering this space I feel I would thrive in because of that roadblock. I don’t know what it is about applications that give me such pause. Maybe they are unnecessarily tedious. Or they’re a confrontation with my credentials and whether some external factor considers those credentials sufficient to grant me access.

This is an issue for me… it comes from my serious disbelief in authority or this idea that someone else can dictate anything about me. My point is – I want x and don’t think it should come down to anyone else but myself as to whether or not I should do x. Basically if I feel I have the potential to accomplish x then I should be allowed to do x. I fully see the problem with this (thinking myself ever-so deserving) but then Shakespeare’s, “Why then the world’s mine oyster/Which I with sword will open” comes to mind.

What can I say, I hold this idea of high self-worth but low actual-worth. Meaning I am content with how I am but don’t think anyone else would be content with me. Or phrased in terms of education: I think I can accomplish the work required of grad school, but will the powers that be think so, too? I immediately think no regardless of my self-created worth. And so: fear. Roadblock.

But David is insistent that I should apply. AFTER ALL, no harm in trying. Except: the work required to complete applications. It seems dreadful for something that isn’t guaranteed. #lazy


On this beautiful long weekend I spent time with da book club, with Ketta darling and her boo, my friend DL and David as well. My family had a BBQ yesterday. Book club and I had another board game night. I went to the beach with Ketta. Went to church, too. Family brunch this morning at our fave Pacific Dining Car.

All the list has been checked: outdoor time, family time, social time, educational time, reading time, movie time. Etcetera.

So I am mostly happy. And only mostly because despite the whole list being checked I naturally am still in a state of emotional flux.

Just as I wished I accomplished a great many things this weekend. And for that I am glad.

I finished reading The Sheltering Sky this weekend. I don’t really want to talk about it very much (at least not yet)… but it’s certainly joined the ranks amongst my favorite books. I started The Night Circus and Marooned in Realtime. I just started a new Coursera class: The Diversity of Exoplanets.

There are so many great and wonderful things coming up. I just gotta stay emotionally stable. Even what at first begins as simply going through the motions soon turns into enjoyment. 🙂

A boring recapitulation but I think it would only be sincere to include the happy times as well as the miserable times.

I’ve been mixing thrills in the right key
but I don’t feel right in my skin

A lot of the people that really know me are aware of the fact that I dream of becoming a well-established adult and I simply cannot wait to grow older. There isn’t much satisfaction in remaining a late-teen in college. Alright, that’s not entirely true, but for the most part it is.

It feels like I’m going to be in school for more years than I care to even count. Yet, they’re going by too quickly. My first year of college is over in a matter of days. It was in part a success with plenty of failures in between but in any case it’s just about over. It seems like just a bit ago I was in FSSP during the summer and very excited to begin college life at UC Santa Barbara and now … I’ve been here for a whole year.

To recap I was in hall council during FSSP, had many Sunday dinners with Toby, explored all of campus at night with David, had a roommate at one point, joined AS Program Board, started taking medication for bipolar disorder, planned Extravaganza for months, did poorly winter quarter, made new friends, saw Twitter gain popularity, learned so much about myself, grew as a person (and regressed in a few other ways), and just so much more.

So yes, the process of growing up is rewarding, but I just want to be accomplished already. Not to say that I mind the work that it takes to get to that point because that’s not why I want to skip out on my youth. Am I writing in circles? It just seems that I’ll be so much happier when I’m older and I want to leave all the misery behind.

There’s nothing more exciting to me than attending meetings, the thought of wearing business attire, making “executive” decisions, changing the lives of others, and so on. I can’t help but feel like a useless child. And I don’t want to be useless. I want to be taken seriously (but no, I don’t take myself too seriously).

If my family has any curse it’s living too damn long. There’s just too much stretch of time left to live and endless possibilities. So by living forever and ever I feel like I won’t ever feel accomplished because I’ll always have X amount of years to live. And the future just seems so much brighter.

This is conflicting, and it doesn’t even matter because there isn’t a damn thing I can do. Also, I might not have made myself very clear… but since when have I been coherent?