Tagbipolar

Face is light and cocaine white.

First step: self-awareness. HELLO. There’s a problem. HELLO. I’ve had a problem.

My guess is this whole hypomanic episode began sometime in late November when my mood started to shift from radiant and happy to irritated. It’s actually around the time I started making horrible decisions. Careless inattention to the future effects of my actions.

I’m going to fucking null and void everything from late November to now.

I’ve also been saying for months, “No more alcohol” and I have yet to succeed… whereas in 2011 I stopped drinking for about 8-9 months without a single problem. This inability to control my willpower is unlike me. My willpower is my strength. I can challenge myself to ANYTHING and I can follow through. But I’ve been setting a goal for myself for months and somehow… just not really going through with it, at all. So something within me shifted.

I haven’t been in complete control of my decision-making.

I know better. And I know that I know better.

Letting myself fall to the influence of others is also unlike me.

GOAL: be more conscious of whatthefuck you’re doing before acting.

Specifics are incredibly hard to reveal to myself right now. But I literally PUT MYSELF IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION without thinking it through. And the consequences ARE/COULD BE/MIGHT HAVE BEEN bad. Like really bad. And in the moment I just didn’t even give a fuck.

I’ve also said some really stupid shit as of late. REALLY STUPID. Things I can’t possibly mean. Things I know I don’t mean. But in my hypomanic state, they seem real. Seemed real? It’s hard to know if I’m still in the aforementioned state.

Fucking christ, though. I honestly cannot believe the stupid shit I’ve done recently. Nowhere in my mind do my recent actions fit in with the person that I am.

What I really need right now is a friend. Not lovers. Friends. I don’t know when my needs changed. In fact… they shouldn’t change. I always and forever need support, stability, and good friends. Lovers don’t give you anything – they just take, take, take – until you’re left shattered in pieces trying to figure out where it all went wrong and why you’re left feeling so broken and incomplete.

Love will never be in my future. So I don’t know why, for a minute, I expected it. Want nothing. Expect nothing. Depend on nothing.

Maybe I just got confused by the sudden surge of people in my life, by the sudden confidence falsely created by my hypomanic episode.

I’m still learning. I’m still learning. Lesson learned.

Loneliness is the worst emotion and perhaps my most frequent as well.

Reactivated

Reading about depression and bipolar disorder in my Abnormal Psychology textbook is getting me depressed. It’s showing the inevitability of the return of my symptoms despite being depression-free for a year. I’m trying to recall this past year and honestly it’s been wiped from my memory. I don’t remember the non-depression (the symptom-less good days). I don’t remember … anything. Every so often I suffer through these memory “resets” – and I’m pretty sure I’ve blogged about this at some point or other; though no one believes me. Events, places, people – they all seem so far away. It’s like all progress is lost. The decisions I made, I can’t remember why I made them. The place I am at today, I can’t remember how I got here. What happened this entire year? I just lost a year of my life. Should I be upset? No, I’m pretty apathetic.

I think some symptoms are coming back. And that’s why I’m realizing that my memory just reset. Everything and everyone agitates my fragile ever-changing mood. I don’t want to bother dealing with anyone. Friends are useless. Or at least that’s the mindset that I’m in, despite that statement not really honestly holding true.

I’m so tired. I need coffee every single day to function. Lethargy is a no-good drag. Ugh. I couldn’t even wake up on time to attend swim class for two weeks! I’m back on that though, because I loooove swimming class. It makes me feel so good, it brightens my day, and it’s giving me a bomb ass tan. (:

The fact that I can even write right now is a sign of the return of my symptoms. For the longest I couldn’t blog because I had nothing to say – I was symptom-less, I wasn’t memorizing all that I did. The memories are all gone now, and I wasn’t even able to capture any of it in a blog entry.

Here we go again.

Wait Time

Shit! I haven’t blogged in a while. I am falling behind on the online life… argh! That’s never really happened before but I’m just taking a quick step back from the computer recently. No longer do I feel any urge to go on AIM and Windows Live Messenger. There really isn’t anyone to talk to on there that I don’t already talk to/see daily. So I just sort of don’t sign on. Also, on Aelyria I am about two months behind on posts (uhm oh wow…). Seriously, I even neglect my RSS feeds, and now my blog! AH. Hot mess, all right.

The days are seriously ZOOMING by. That’s actually kind of scary. I’m already in week 4 of winter quarter and there are only 11 weeks. In less than 6 months I’m going to be a third year at UC Santa Barbara. And in just a littttle over a month I’m going to be 20. Everything’s coming at me way too fast! Mind you, I’ve been waiting forever to be done with college, waiting forever to get into my 20s (which I’m actually really excited about!!!)… but now time seems to be coming at me faster.

[Philosophical Side note: I personally believe time’s arrows travel <– this way and not the commonly held view that they travel –> like that. UHM… FUCK I have a Philosophy of Time and Space class and it’s totally tripping me out…]

You know, this domain hasn’t even had a layout change in a few months? And my other domain has never had a layout. Things are a hot busy mess online. And whereas before I didn’t care for facebook I’m on it a few times a week now as opposed to a few times a month. AH! Well it’s only natural since all my friends are on Facebook. *shrugs* Whatever.

Lately I hang out with my friends so much more. I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays but they are so insanely busy it’s ridiculous! On Tuesdays I go seven hours straight without a break! Not even time to eat… ): By the time I’m done for the day on Tuesdays I just want to shoot myself and be done with it. Wednesday seems to disappear all the time with me sleeping in and doing all the homework/reading for class due Thursday. The four-day weekends are long… but they also just disappear and slip away.

People do say time moves faster as you get older. Why? Oh wait… DNW to think atm! On Friday afternoon I was even looking online at philosophy lectures from other universities. Geez. As if my brain didn’t hurt ENOUGH during the week. Honestly, if you’re trying to figure out how/why everything material only exists in the mind (view called Idealism by Berkeley)… it just HURTS. Professor Holden even lets us out 15 minutes early because it’s way too much to take in and grasp…! The class is 75 minutes and by the hour mark I feel my brain wanting to explode. But uh doesn’t stop there… I have to go to Time/Space next. Lol… never thought I’d experience brain pain, but I am proven wrong.

Another reason I suspect time is moving faster for me is because my thoughts lately, especially at night, have been racing NONSTOP. At one point I was trying to say four things at the same time and my roommate Rony just said, “What? Okay you’re saying too many things at the same time.” Then I realized I was cleaning at night, getting all OCD, shopping TOO much, and talking/thinking too fast. Ugh, so that’s why I’ve been too happy and yet still extra annoyed lately… (Hypomania????) But I swear it wasn’t always that. I’m pretty sure I was symptom-free for a good month or two. *Sigh* Can’t escape it! [I’m talking about my bipolar diagnosis]

Anyway.

Oh, I’ve been learning how to cook (somewhat)! Easy things, anyway. Skylar taught me how to make miso soup. Sandy taught me to make pupusas. And I learned how to make udon and (for the very first time) tried making pancakes!! (: It’s actually really fun to cook. Eating my own food is another matter, though. Once I know the process something went through to get cooked I don’t really feel like eating it anymore. Something about knowing the ingredients and just the process itself puts me off. =\ Not sure… I’ll try to get over it.

OH. Oh. Oh wow. Ugh… I’ve been getting all offended lately. GAH. Whatever. Over it. Been over it. I need to get over this shit like NOW. (UGH DAMNIT! When I use the word “now” it makes me think of a “moving now” and … my Time/Space class is messing with me!)

OKKKKK. Updation over. I haven’t written in my moleskine for a WHILE now. I should look into using it again because it is so fabulous. (: