May 2, 2009 by Brigitte
Reading about depression and bipolar disorder in my Abnormal Psychology textbook is getting me depressed. It’s showing the inevitability of the return of my symptoms despite being depression-free for a year. I’m trying to recall this past year and honestly it’s been wiped from my memory. I don’t remember the non-depression (the symptom-less good days). I don’t remember … anything. Every so often I suffer through these memory “resets” – and I’m pretty sure I’ve blogged about this at some point or other; though no one believes me. Events, places, people – they all seem so far away. It’s like all progress is lost. The decisions I made, I can’t remember why I made them. The place I am at today, I can’t remember how I got here. What happened this entire year? I just lost a year of my life. Should I be upset? No, I’m pretty apathetic.
I think some symptoms are coming back. And that’s why I’m realizing that my memory just reset. Everything and everyone agitates my fragile ever-changing mood. I don’t want to bother dealing with anyone. Friends are useless. Or at least that’s the mindset that I’m in, despite that statement not really honestly holding true.
I’m so tired. I need coffee every single day to function. Lethargy is a no-good drag. Ugh. I couldn’t even wake up on time to attend swim class for two weeks! I’m back on that though, because I loooove swimming class. It makes me feel so good, it brightens my day, and it’s giving me a bomb ass tan. (:
The fact that I can even write right now is a sign of the return of my symptoms. For the longest I couldn’t blog because I had nothing to say – I was symptom-less, I wasn’t memorizing all that I did. The memories are all gone now, and I wasn’t even able to capture any of it in a blog entry.
Here we go again.
Tags: bipolar, college, depression, friends, introspection
Categories: Life •
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January 26, 2009 by Brigitte
Shit! I haven’t blogged in a while. I am falling behind on the online life… argh! That’s never really happened before but I’m just taking a quick step back from the computer recently. No longer do I feel any urge to go on AIM and Windows Live Messenger. There really isn’t anyone to talk to on there that I don’t already talk to/see daily. So I just sort of don’t sign on. Also, on Aelyria I am about two months behind on posts (uhm oh wow…). Seriously, I even neglect my RSS feeds, and now my blog! AH. Hot mess, all right.
The days are seriously ZOOMING by. That’s actually kind of scary. I’m already in week 4 of winter quarter and there are only 11 weeks. In less than 6 months I’m going to be a third year at UC Santa Barbara. And in just a littttle over a month I’m going to be 20. Everything’s coming at me way too fast! Mind you, I’ve been waiting forever to be done with college, waiting forever to get into my 20s (which I’m actually really excited about!!!)… but now time seems to be coming at me faster.
[Philosophical Side note: I personally believe time's arrows travel <-- this way and not the commonly held view that they travel --> like that. UHM... FUCK I have a Philosophy of Time and Space class and it's totally tripping me out...]
You know, this domain hasn’t even had a layout change in a few months? And my other domain has never had a layout. Things are a hot busy mess online. And whereas before I didn’t care for facebook I’m on it a few times a week now as opposed to a few times a month. AH! Well it’s only natural since all my friends are on Facebook. *shrugs* Whatever.
Lately I hang out with my friends so much more. I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays but they are so insanely busy it’s ridiculous! On Tuesdays I go seven hours straight without a break! Not even time to eat… ): By the time I’m done for the day on Tuesdays I just want to shoot myself and be done with it. Wednesday seems to disappear all the time with me sleeping in and doing all the homework/reading for class due Thursday. The four-day weekends are long… but they also just disappear and slip away.
People do say time moves faster as you get older. Why? Oh wait… DNW to think atm! On Friday afternoon I was even looking online at philosophy lectures from other universities. Geez. As if my brain didn’t hurt ENOUGH during the week. Honestly, if you’re trying to figure out how/why everything material only exists in the mind (view called Idealism by Berkeley)… it just HURTS. Professor Holden even lets us out 15 minutes early because it’s way too much to take in and grasp…! The class is 75 minutes and by the hour mark I feel my brain wanting to explode. But uh doesn’t stop there… I have to go to Time/Space next. Lol… never thought I’d experience brain pain, but I am proven wrong.
Another reason I suspect time is moving faster for me is because my thoughts lately, especially at night, have been racing NONSTOP. At one point I was trying to say four things at the same time and my roommate Rony just said, “What? Okay you’re saying too many things at the same time.” Then I realized I was cleaning at night, getting all OCD, shopping TOO much, and talking/thinking too fast. Ugh, so that’s why I’ve been too happy and yet still extra annoyed lately… (Hypomania????) But I swear it wasn’t always that. I’m pretty sure I was symptom-free for a good month or two. *Sigh* Can’t escape it! [I'm talking about my bipolar diagnosis]
Anyway.
Oh, I’ve been learning how to cook (somewhat)! Easy things, anyway. Skylar taught me how to make miso soup. Sandy taught me to make pupusas. And I learned how to make udon and (for the very first time) tried making pancakes!! (: It’s actually really fun to cook. Eating my own food is another matter, though. Once I know the process something went through to get cooked I don’t really feel like eating it anymore. Something about knowing the ingredients and just the process itself puts me off. =\ Not sure… I’ll try to get over it.
OH. Oh. Oh wow. Ugh… I’ve been getting all offended lately. GAH. Whatever. Over it. Been over it. I need to get over this shit like NOW. (UGH DAMNIT! When I use the word “now” it makes me think of a “moving now” and … my Time/Space class is messing with me!)
OKKKKK. Updation over. I haven’t written in my moleskine for a WHILE now. I should look into using it again because it is so fabulous. (:
Tags: bipolar, college, growing up, hypomania, Life, philosophy, school, time
Categories: Life •
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June 23, 2008 by Brigitte
I’m slightly perplexed by my lack of concern over the fact that a few nights ago I was seriously considering overdosing on a bunch of different pills.
And that is all.
Tags: apathy, bipolar, depression, introspection
Categories: Life •
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March 25, 2008 by Brigitte
Self-loathing.
Crazycrazy thoughts all over the place.
Tags: bipolar
Categories: Life •
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March 24, 2008 by Brigitte
What are the repercussions of staying off my medication? It feels strange to call it that; it’s a word I associate with pills someone takes when they are physically ill.
Strangely, I’m smiling up at the ceiling right now. A memory just came to mind. The walls to my bedroom used to be a dark purple color, and I remember sitting on the cold marble floor, with a blood-stained towel in my hand. My mother and I had just argued, and fought, I guess is the appropriate word. I think my lips were bleeding, or something like that. The pain was overwhelming, but not really in a physical way. And for all that pain, I couldn’t cry. And I couldn’t call anyone to explain in words what that moment in time felt like.
All I have are distant memories that don’t seem to belong to my life.
The puzzle pieces don’t fit. How did I become who I am now? There are such sharply contrasting memories in my mind. My mother, my brother, and I at Sea World for Easter three years ago. Days in which I sat in my room all alone, and in the dark, with a razor in my hand, cutting myself. Standing outside the house waiting for one of my aunts to pick me up because my mom kicked me out. Having a conversation with Brian at an iHop about what I’m going to do to improve my relationship with my mother. Showing Elizabeth and Jean a bruise my mother gave me, telling someone for the first time ever that I had problems. Sitting in my room with a knife in my hand at a very early age, thinking I could use that to slit my wrists. Getting strapped onto a gurney to be hospitalized. My US History teacher from 5th grade, Mrs. Bright, asking me why I used my mother’s last name instead of my father’s. Disneyland with the most amazing people in the world 11th grade. Shopping with Lisa and Jessika. Passing a note to Paula in Honors Bio that one day in 9th grade after she mentioned that she also web-designs. And right now, typing this entry with mixed feelings.
As stupid as this sounds, who am I?
I feel like here I am again, talking to myself. I’m not trying to make any points. And I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone. While there are questions I could ask myself, there are no answers. Yet again, another pointless entry.
Emotions. They really are weak. I’ve been having that thought for some days now. Perhaps for a while I thought they were alright, acceptable, maybe normal. But, no. My mentality really has not changed at all. Weakness is unacceptable. Except if I keep thinking about it, everything is weak.
I just don’t get it.
—————-
Now playing: Gatsbys American Dream – A Mind Of Metal And Wheels
via FoxyTunes
Tags: bipolar, introspection, memories
Categories: Life •
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