Desperately in need of some caffeine, or I could just go to sleep. I am incredibly tired, even after taking a four-hour long nap earlier today. Ugh, and I have my linguistics final tomorrow… but at least it’s in the afternoon. In the morning I’m definitely going to have to pack up all my shit. Packing/unpacking is a never-ending routine, and I hate it.

Shoutout: I love Victorialee<3

Note to self: Don’t let it affect you. Walk it off, walk it off! Just like everybody else, it fades. There is no reason to ever get upset. No reason whatsoever.

I want to stop taking my pills. Truthfully and honestly, I really miss being depressed. I cannot stand normalcy; it’s disgusting. Last night I told Rona she should be happy that she’s… well, happy. You know, it’s the normal/healthy thing… but I did warn her that I’m master hypocrite so she can take my words for what they are or for what I really mean. Not being depressed means not being able to think. Mindless happy people are stupid.

I’m sure there are a million thoughts I could write down, but none are coming to mind. I just can’t think anymore. Underneath it all I still hate myself and the world and I am not really reallllyyy happy, at all. Pills feel like suppression. They’re just disabling my ability to think negatively; I’m trapped. This, I can’t walk off. Arghhh.

I miss playing DDR.

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Now playing: Madonna - Like a Prayer
via FoxyTunes

Taking another small break from cleaning my room.

Mother and I have been speaking on the daily on the phone. It’s so weird! I’m not used to talking to my mother in a calm manner. Strange-ness. Perhaps since I’ve been productive lately and all that I’m in a better mood and idk.

But anyway, I’m writing because I’m crashing…. slowly. ): I suddenly feel sad, hurt, and I just want to isolate myself from the world. There’s this strange feeling of betrayal, from many people. And not much has changed from the last entry to right now, except my state of mind. I could just list the people and the things… but that’s gay.

Ugh, well back to cleaning my room.

I love that song by Madonna. The title also just feels appropriate.

Yesterday was a horrible day between my mother and I. Today it’s not as bad… I don’t understand. I just have my moods, I guess. But so does she? I mean, it was 4am and she woke up and started saying I’m crazy for still being up and awake. Well, I mean, what the hell? Sometimes I just can’t sleep… and I wake up at the same time as she does, practically (maybe an hour or so after), so what’s the big deal? My sleeping patterns are completely different from hers, but she even said so herself this morning that she needs to control every aspect of what’s going on in her house. Blahblahblah. I didn’t really give a shit and I refused to go to sleep until I felt like it (which was just shortly after our argument, making it a waste of breath to argue, but I wasn’t going to give in). Times like that I just don’t think, my mind blanks, and I don’t really give a shit about anything.

Today I feel slightly more productive and I’m trying to help Mom clean around the house. Fuck… I hate being so … weird.

Being weird makes me wish I didn’t have friends. I find I feel this way a lot of the time. Not everyone knows about my crazy behind-closed-doors life, but there’s a certain weight I carry around with me at all times just because I’ve been through “things”… whatever. Sometimes this past of mine makes me rather inconsiderate. Most times I’m understanding and I’ll listen when people want to vent about their problems, and even suggest a few things from a neutral point of view. Ugh, but then other times it annoys me because some people have such pointless small issues that I feel it’s not even worth worrying about. Times like those I feel exasperated and want to just… scream aloud that their lives are great compared to mine so they ought to stop complaining. Eh… tragedy is relative. I’m just blinded sometimes.

My mindset is just so messed up a lot of the time. Because of it I just don’t want anyone to have to deal with me. Shit, I don’t even want to deal with myself.

Lol, lots of my entries lately have been solely about thoughts and not at all about what I’ve been doing. Different style of entries. They like to take turns.

I’m doing well on my 101 in 1001 so far. I’ve been taking photos every day and blogging every day as well. So far so good!! I’m trying to get Rona to start a list, too, for several reasons. For one, it’s one of my goals to get someone else to do this with me, but also because… I personally feel she can benefit from making a list like this. Even though I’ve already started mine, if we finish around the same time (in 2.75 years) we’re going to have to constantly remind each other about the list and not lose hope. (:

La la la la la.

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Now playing: 50 Cent - Just A Little Bit
via FoxyTunes